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Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

It is hard to believe that there are just sixteen home dates left for the Eugene Emeralds. It seems like just last week we were talking about producing our reality television show, and now summer is waning, and we have no video that I am aware of. Now, we are in the EVERY PROMOTION COUNTS part of the season.

Let’s talk about those promotions, shall we? Since this is the final stretch, every night should be a double promotion night to draw wider group of fans. For instance. Reggae Night should also be Speed Metal Night. I believe kids these days call this a mashup. Anyway, the left field side can be the Reggae side while the right field side is the Speed Metal side. Once beer sales are cut off, both sides can run across the outfield from their respective sides with medieval weapons and meet in the middle. The side with the most still standing wins free tacos at Jack in the Box.

The next night is Sluggo’s Birthday, which fine, mascot costumes get older each year. The celebration should be paired with Conceal and Carry Night where responsible gun owners can come to the park and have some target practice in the back parking lot. The following night is Thirsty Thursday and One Hit Wonder Night. I think your organization needs to dial in their definition of One Hit Wonders as The Knack also had a hit with “Good Girls Don’t (But I Do)” and A-Ha’s “The Sun Always Shines on TV” is immortal. I would say couple this with Dead Celebrity Night so fans can look back a dead bands and dead stars. Half price vodka drinks would help give this night a POP. 

Friday is Family 4-Pack Night which should be mashed with Singles and Swingers Night. Saturday Night is Soup or Hero Night… I could go on, but you get the point. I must say, I was a little hurt that I was not invited to be a local superhero after all Eugene and I have been through together, but I do not do well with puns, so it is probably for the best I am not in attendance that night. It is also the California Earthquake Authority Earthquake Preparedness Night at Rancho Cucamong Quakes who play at what used to be known as the Epicenter, which promises to be a rockin’ good time. Feel free to post images of my likenesses all over PK Park though.

By now, I am sure you have heard that there will be an Arizona Fall League this year, which means the Holy Pilgrimages to Phoenix can resume again. I strongly suggest that Allan Benavides [General Manager] have a front office pow wow in the desert. Fortunately, your organization would have an experienced guide to take you from stadium to stadium while showing you the nuances of the mean streets of Scottsdale. Of course, if you think your colleagues would just slow you down, you could fly solo and ride with my crew.

Hey, if you want that exclusive interview that sheds light on what make Bads85 tick, you best move quickly. Other club like the Wichita Wind Surge are sniffing around. Perhaps I can even send you the questions because I know you are a busy man, and I am a giver.

Did you know the Everett AquaSox stole my Copa de Diversion identity? By birthright, I can demand to be called El Conquistador. I rarely make that demand because it seems a bit narcissistic to do so, but the Everett organization insists upon calling themselvesLos Conquistadores, even though their little frog identity has conquered nothing in its existence.  

The time is growing late. I am contemplating a drive to Modesto as tomorrow is Wally the Walnut Bobblhead Night at the Nut’s place. We can make fun of Modesto for many reasons, but their mascots are bad ass, and Shelley the Pistachio is smokin’ hot.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Lucy Vinis [Mayor; Eugene, Oregon]:

The word on the street is you have not responded to my missives is because you are miffed that I came to your fair city without giving you the proper time to make plans to meet my acquaintance. I seriously doubt that is true as you are a consummate professional and understand that the life of a minor league road warrior sometimes makes long term planning impossible. Sometimes the call of the road requires immediate action. Sometimes you just have to race to a far away town in the middle of the night.

I know it had to be very disappointing for you to know I was in town, but our busy social calendars did not allow us to meet. I mean, I could have invited you to hang out with much of the Ems’ front office staff at The Cooler, but we had the August promotion schedule to discuss, but I was remiss in not inviting you.. However, last call comes early on that side of the river, so I thought it best not to request your presence at that time. Hey, what is your definition of a One Hit Wonder? I bet it is different than the Ems, who think The Knack were a one hit wonder with “My Sharona” even though they had an #11 hit with “Good Girls Don’t.” I ask because Thursday, August 5th is “One Hit Wonder Night” at PK Park.

Have you come out on record about how you feel about our beloved Eugene Emeralds playing at PK Park, which is very unsuited for High A Ball. Oh, it is a beautiful but quaint college stadium, but High A Baseball is so, so much more than college ball, which still uses aluminum bats. Pk Park does not even have a freshly squeezed lemonade stand, a staple of any full season park. You might be thinking, “Bads85, I never drink lemonade at a ballpark because of BEER!”, and while I understand that sentiment, perhaps you might like to mix some bourbon with some freshly squeezed lemonade on a warm evening. Or vodka. Lots of vodka. But I digress. Your constituents would be relieved to hear that you would like to see the Emeralds playing in the park they and your fair city deserves.

I would suggest having a press conference sooner than later, maybe on August 3rd at Reggae Night at the Ems’ current stadium. Standing right next to that large inflatable of Sluggo would offer great photo opportunities, but speaking from the bar in right field would put you closer to the hard working people of Eugene. Plus, you could point to the inadequate team store, something that will not be an issue at the new stadium. I probably do not have to tell you this, but you would also be closer to the alcohol, which makes getting a post presser drink that much easier. Always ask for a double a stadium bar, Ms. Mayor. Trust me on this.

Hey, I just had a flash of brilliance. This occurs frequently with me, and I really have no control over it, but when it happens, I know to roll with it. As you well know, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Minor League Baseball. The restricting laws of physics prevent me from being more than one place or not, so if I am at say, San Manuel Stadium, I cannot be in Eugene. However, I can delegate my ambassadorship privileges to others, so I decree you are the official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Eugene in my absence. This means you can go to the games on Thursdays, wave to people, and drink $3.00 tallboys while extolling the joys of minor league baseball and the needs for a new Emeralds’ stadium. Contact the Ems; front office for additional details. Do not hold your breath on receiving your official business card though. I am still waiting on mine.

I eagerly way your response. Remember, the positive externalities generated by a MiLB team may also result in non-pecuniary effects such as community pride, happiness, and increased morale. In short, and MiLB team can make people feel good about where they live. Get the message to the people, Thirty Thursday Ambassador in Absentia.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Katie Woods [Director of Marketing & Community Engagement; Wichita Wind Surge]:

Hey Gurl! Imagine my surprise when I was perusing the Wind Surge’s front office page as planning for my stadium visits for the 2022 season, and saw your name. Once upon a time, in a galaxy, far, far away in 2019, you ensured that a Lancaster Viento shirt made to my doors in Redlands, CA before Opening Day in an effort that I can still only describe as absolutely heroic,  and should be the standard of service throughout Minor League Baseball. Unfortunately, many teams still employ the Pony Express to deliver their merchandise.

Anyway, it is wonderful that your are still in THE BIZ, and working for the team that is at the very top of my parks to visit next season. Riverfront Stadium looks absolutely gorgeous. I would have made it there this summer if not for a little side gig with the Eugene Emeralds. I also did make it to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Stockton Ports, Salt Lake City Bees, Lake Elsinore Storm, and of course my beloved Inland Empire 66ers. I refuse to go to a Rancho Cucamonga Quakes games until the baseball gods release hellfire from the sky to thoroughly scour the place.

I am not sure exactly when my travels will bring me to Wichita, but I would project July. I do have some questions about your stadium guide that I hope you can answer to alleviate the burdens of travel planning.

1. I see you have a service dog only policy, and I applaud that. However, I recently acquired a Komodo dragon to keep the groupies at bay after my spike in popularity in Eugene. Does your organization make exceptions for these noble steeds? If not, could I hire security officers to keep the screaming masses away from me — officers with tasers?
2. I see that Riverfront Stadium is a cashless stadium which limits peasants, Do you take Applebee’s gift cards. I keep receiving those damn things as presents, and I refuse to go back after the disaster in Salt Lake City after the Bees’ game.
3. I see players and coaches are not allowed to sign autographs? What about me though? Not all my fans are savages, and it think it would be unduly harsh for my fans to be denied my autograph.
4. It says all banners and signs are prohibited. I must ask you, Katie, are not t-shirts essentially a banner?
5. I see that baby formula is allowed in the park. My good traveling companion, Bongwater, might be with me on this trip, and he suffers from the Benjamin Button Disease. His case is pretty advanced, and his doctor has prescribed him a formula of Fireball and Rumchata. I usually have to have a nip to ensure it has not been poisoned by an ex-lover. I assume this will not be a problem. Will Bongwater be able to be able to purchase a child’s ticket?
6. Your guide states that “Any rebroadcast or reproduction of the game or event without the express written consent of the Wichita Wind Surge is prohibited.” Do you really have the manpower to enforce that?
7. It is suggested lost children should contact Wichita Wind Surge Representative if they become lost? Are we just throwing STRANGER DANGER out the window?
8. I see no noisemakers are allowed. Are xylophones considered noisemakers? Asking for a friend in Eugene.

I have any more questions but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] informed me he quits reading my missives after a certain world count, so I will hold off on further questions. I look forward from hearing from you in the very near future.

Your friend in baseball, 

Bads85

Dear Wichita Wind Surge,

Hello….

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Congratulations. Your organization will be a destination the most radical MiLB road trip of the 2021 season. Wednesday Night after the NHL Expansion Draft, my buddy, Hockey Analyst (HA) and I will being chasing the midnight sun to make it to Thirsty Thursday in Eugene. Somewhere in the Emerald Valley, we plan on getting a couple of rounds of golf in, then head to the Ems’ game Friday night, then race back down to California Burrito Night on Saturday Night at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. Yes, it is a savage life I lead, but someone has to live it.

We were a bit concerned that your organization would not be airing the NHL Draft on Friday Night because it is Princess Night at PK Park. However, Media Relations Guru Alex Stimson came up with brilliant solution — tie the NHL Draft into the Disney movie Frozen, and BOOM, we can have the best of both worlds. Let’s face it, Princess Nights have become a bit overdone on the MiLB circuit, especially since young girls should be raised to be independent masters of their own destiny instead of waiting for fairly tale endings to happen to them. However, a Princess Night that is also Hockey Night? That has Golden Bobblehead potential. Put Sluggo in hockey jersey, and let Mulan violently cross check him on the outfield boards. Instant PRIMAL SCREAMS! Letting Anne Culhanne [Director go Community Relations] lay out Chris Bowers [Corporate America] would probably go a long way to help your front office morale.

Your PA Dude can give live updates of the draft by playing a byte from “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?”, then announce the draft selection. Hey, did you know the 66ers had to quilt playing that song at San Manuel Stadium because the fans would sing “Do You Want to Punch a Nazi?” Best fans in MiLB, they are. If your bar just beyond first base does not have a television to air the draft, I can provide one. After all, if I can get a xylophone through security, a 55 inch TV should be no problem. 

We could do Princess and Hockey Etiquette trivia questions. Sure Little Susie might know proper way to to excuse herself from the table to go to the bathroom at Belle’s dinner party, but does she know not to cross the red line during warms up? Have Danny Cowley [Graphic Design [Graphic Designer and Game Operator] put some hockey helmets on the Disney Princesses, and plaster their pictures all over the park. I probably do not have to tell you, but nothing says Princess and Hockey Night at the Ballpark quite like reduced beer specials and half priced shots. 

I know this is all coming at you pretty fast, especially the part that Bads85 is really coming back to Eugene, but if we move quickly on this, we will be legends. Well, we already are, but this is the type of stuff that future MiLB executives will talk about with hushed reverence. @Bensbiz should be notified of these exciting events, starting with my courageous dash through the night to get to Grateful Dead Night to the blood curling screams from little princesses filled with hockey blood lust for perhaps the first time. This should also give you time to get my Emeralds’ business cards printed. It should be near the top of your Monday To Do list, right behind “Order the “Eugene: Baseball City” t-shirts.

I am sure you you have many questions, like, “What is Bads85 going to wear? What I should I wear? What type of madman drives 916.7 miles for a MiLB game on a non giveaway night? Who is this guy that is willing to complete post midnight dash with Bads85? Will we have enough beer on hand to accommodate this duo?”

I will have you know that Hockey Analyst (HA) is a grizzled California League veteran who traveled with me to visit the Myrtle Beach Pelicans and has witnessed the tight ship Ryan Moore [President] runs there. HA possesses a Down East Collard Greens’ hat, the alter identity of the mighty Wood Ducks. Quite simply, he is the man Holden Caulfield warned us about. Or Captain Ahab. Or Atticus Finch. I sometimes confuse all those guys. All I know is Hell often comes with him on his journeys. Make sure the kegs are full, and do not show any fear, or be alarmed if we shout, “Call me Ishmael!” at people walking past us.

Anyway, once again, I am making the extra effort to put the Ems’ on the national map because I am a giver. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Eugene Emeralds’ Staff [Eugene Emeralds; High A West]:

Thank you for your hospitality when I visited your park on July 6th. I know many of you are wondering when I am going to return, and the answer could be much sooner than you think. In fact, if certain requirements are met on your end, I could be there next week for Thirsty Thursday and Grateful Dead Night. Yes, it could be said that I have a list of demands, but demand has such a negative connotation, so let’s just say I have traveling requirements that must be fulfilled before Alaska Airlines lets me on the plane. 

I will probably be coming solo because Eugene really is not exactly a tourist attraction that my compadres are hot to visit while the Pacific Northwest is sweltering. As a result, I need drinking companions after the games. That is it. That is all I really need. I mean, be able to hold your liquor and not embarrass our party, but being minor league employees, you should be able to do that. If not, please know your slovenly behavior will be posted on various social media outlets by your co-workers.

Just so you know, Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] does not really read my missives, so he does not really have to be in the loop if you do not want him to be. He can worry about his shiny new stadium while we concern ourselves cold draft beer and SHOTS! while discussing the reality television show that Allan seems to be hesitant to promote. We can also design and order some killer merch while he panders to city council people. Or, if he is that father figure/mentor type boss who his staff adores, we can bring him along, although it would be nice if he had his hair trimmed before we hit the town. 

Just to be clear, I do not even need the Emeralds’ staff to hang with. You can point me towards fans, gas station attendants, firemen, whatever. Just no professors as the ivory walls of academia give me the hives, and I have worked too hard on this figure to break out. No pervs either, please. Maybe you could have a contest with a dating game format where the lucky winner gets to go drinking with Bads85. The contestants are asked questions, and awkwardness and hilarity ensues. If we do go out as a group, does anyone know Mayor Lucy Vinis well enough to invite her to come along? 

You might be asking, “Bads85, where will you be staying this trip?” Well, I am open to any suggestions from the Inn at Fifth to somebody’s couch. I would like to avoid the tent encampment underneath the freeway ramps because my back just is not what it used to be. I do know a killer bed & breakfast we can sneak in for some free morning grub. They love me there, just like every other establishment I visited in town, except for the Tap and Growler which tried to kill me by putting too much ice in my adult beverage. They were cheap though, so I had three.

I am sure you are also asking yourself, “What type of loser hops on a plane by himself to catch the second half of a home stand in MiLB, especially on California Burrito Weekend for the 66ers at San Manuel Stadium?” I must say, I am asking myself the same question. I barely know you people. Statistically speaking, one of you is an axe murderer. Your team plays in a college stadium (for now). California Burrito Weekend is the biggest weekend of the year since the 66ers lost the sponsor for Zombie Apocalypse Night (times are tough when the blood bank dumps you), and I am usually a celebrity judge for the burrito throw down. I do not have a good answer as to why I would venture to Eugene on my own other that I am on one hell of a roll right now, and Bull Durham told me to respect the streak.

The more adventurous of you might be thinking, “Just where we going drinking? I have standards that I will not ignore just so you can drink cheap Pabst Blue Ribbon and stuff your face with glorious chicken wings.” I will defer to your judgment in this, although I would prefer we avoid any place where drinks are served with tiny umbrellas because those things can poke your eye out. Some of you might be concerned about just what the hell we are going to talk about. Well, we can start with proper mascot protocol and go from there.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Oregon]:

I assume things have settled down a bit since my triumphant arrival in Eugene last week. I know you miss me, and the feeling is mutual, but be strong. I will be back soon. Perhaps mothers of Eugene finally feel it is safe to allow their children to leave the house now that Bads85 is far from the state of Oregon. Or maybe not. Perhaps the hobos grow bolder now that I have left. Whatever the case, please let everyone know that while I am physically far away, spiritually I am right there with the great city of Eugene.

You see, Allan, the most important thing I learned on my trip is that Eugene is a baseball city, not just a track town, a hippy commune, or a college mecca. Oh, it is all those, but is a baseball city. Every bar I went visited (and I visited many) had baseball on with patrons ardently watching. These people were willing to engage with a stranger like me in conversation (although, let’s be honest, I am very pleasing to the eyes). People wear baseball gear around town in their every day life. An established road warrior like myself recognizes immediately when he is in a baseball city, and the ice of my first Moscow Mule had yet to touch my lips when I realized I was home.

Have you ordered the Eugene: Baseball City shirts like I suggested last week? If not, I would strongly you suggest you put me on charge of the Emeralds’ marketing department. We need to start solidifying the Ems’ brand. Some dude in the Birkenstock store in Boise thought my Ems’ shirt was the logo of a MLS team. A woman at Capitol Reef National Park told me she was from Oregon and thought Squatch was the Hillsboro Hops mascot. To be fair, this woman had been in the sun for a while, and had probably started hitting the rum early on the trail. Still, the Ems’ logo should be something everyone in America recognizes. We need to be America’s plucky sweetheart. I can make that happen if you turn me loose. Eugene: Baseball City would be a great name for the reality television show, In fact, I am going to go ahead and begin informing other organizations that we are producing a show with this title.

Hey, did your staff tell you that I finally purchased an Ems’ uniform? Your team shop probably had a record night when I was there. Unfortunately, I did not realize my new uniform has a Cubs’ logo sewed onto that. Maybe we can rectify that next time I am in town, which might be Grateful Dead Night. Will there be special themed shirts available for purchase that night? When will you have a Lynyrd Skynyrd Night, complete with a tribute band? Maybe some taco trucks just because tacos are so great?

Did you hear your former organization, the Lake Elsinore is having a Rated R Night in conjunction with a Thirty Dollar All You Can Drink Night. I am sure that will end well, just the type of promotion that can save the season. I just might go to that because train wrecks are kind of my bag. I almost caused one at Smith’s Ballpark in Salt Lake City earlier this week. 

You use, they have this kids’s train that goes back and forth across the outfield walkway, and the conductor is mad with power. I was there on a dollar hot dog, family night, which as you know, can quickly turn into a trip to the darkest corners of Hell. By the fifth inning, the line for the train had turned into some Lord of the Flies nonsense, and that line was right by the bar in left field. I reached the point where I needed an Icee for the vodka in my flask because those kids were not settling down anytime soon. Anyway, I did not intentionally step in front of the train, and the old hag driving the train completely overreacted with that tug on the steering wheel (and should certainly be drug tested). I doubt any wheels really came off the ground, so those little kids shrieking were just being dramatic because they do not get enough attention from their neglectful parents. The Icee was wonderful though — not the gunky type of Icee where the flavor gets unevenly sucked out of the ice like you get from a poorly maintained machine at 7-11. This Icee was the good stuff. The Ems’ new stadium need an Icee machine of this quality.

Anyway, I know you are a busy man who does not read most of my missives, so I will address the things I saw at PK Park with your minions so they can make adjustments on the fly and not have to bother you.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Alex Stimsom [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds}:

Recently I have been inundated with fan mail from Eugene Emeralds’ fans, almost certainly a result of the immense popularity of my missives that your organization has been posting on its website. Normally, I do not answer fan mail because groupies are nothing but trouble, but since Ems’ fans have begun occupying a special place in my heart, I did take the time to respond, and thought I should share some exchanges with you.

Dear Bads85,When will Emeralds’ August Promotion Schedule be released?   — Jodi in Gresham

Jodi,I do not officially work with the promotions department, so I cannot answer that at this time. I am sure it will be out very soon, maybe even this week while the team is on the road. I hope soon because proper planning is essential for a baseball road trip. August 5th at the latest.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Do you have any idea when the Emeralds’ August Promotion Schedule be released? If any Carolina League organization had waited this long to release their promotion schedule, you would have written more words than Tolstoy about it.   — Ryan in Myrtle Beach

Ryan,

You are correct, but the Carolina League does not have to contend with Governor Brown. Now that COVID restrictions have loosened, and now that PK Park can be filled to capacity (fans willing), I think things will change. Oh, in case you did not get the memo, the Carolina League is no more.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Are you as funny in person as you are in your writing?  I would hate to meet you and be disappointed that your real person voice is weaker that your narrative voice.  — Levi in Springfield

Levi,

Funnier. And even better looking. I don’t think we are ever going to meet though. Be strong, Buckaroo. 

  —Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Will beer prices ever come down at minor league baseball stadiums? They have been rising at an alarming rate in the past couple of years. Will a Beer Boycott be necessary to get the MilLB owners’ attention?  — Richard in Astoria

Dick,

Beer prices are the result of supply and demand. As long as people keep paying stadium prices for beer, the prices will not change. Boycotts are usually the last refuge of impotent scoundrels though. I would suggest just ordering beers and walking away from the beer stand without paying. Still tip your server though. 

 —Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Why do you have such animosity for our beloved Sluggo?  — Lisa in Eugene

Lisa,Because Squatch is the logical choice for the Emeralds’ mascot. He is strong, virtuous, and matches the mystique of the Pacific Northwest. Sluggo looks like the kid who stands by the keg at fraternity parties and get punched in the gut when someone’s date needs a beer. But other than that, I have a deep affection for Sluggo. He is fun at social gatherings.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Do the Emeralds ever feel they have to stay ahead of the Portland Pickles?  — Dillon the Pickle

Dillon,

The Portland who?   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

What is your favorite memory of the Northwest League?  — Wild Nights in Everett

Wild Nights,

All of them, except those in Salem and Boise.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Is Thirsty Thursday dying?  — Concerned in The Dino

Concerned,

Not ion my watch. However, Thirsty Thursdays need more love and attention from MiLB organizations. These night are not automatic large draws in the Pandemic’s twilight. Fans need to be reacquainted with their past love to remember why they fell for Thirsty Thursdays in the place.   

—Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

What makes you think you are qualified to write about baseball front offices when you have never worked a day in a MiLB front office?  -Sports Management Degree in Rancho Cucamonga

Sports Management,

I wrote a report on PT Barnum in middle school. Plus, you know, rock ’n roll.   

—Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Is there any schedule to when your missives will be published on the Ems’ website? Honestly, they appear with the consistency of a fruit fly whose flight path crossed a meth lab.  — Larry in Hagerstown

Larry,

We have our best minds on that.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Bads85,

Did you know the Boise Hawks have released their August promotion schedule, even though they no longer have a MLB Affiliation.  — Liz in Boise

Liz,

Yes, which is why Boise is on my Pacific Northwest road trip this summer. Good things happen to those who plan ahead!   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85