Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Congratulations. Your organization will be a destination the most radical MiLB road trip of the 2021 season. Wednesday Night after the NHL Expansion Draft, my buddy, Hockey Analyst (HA) and I will being chasing the midnight sun to make it to Thirsty Thursday in Eugene. Somewhere in the Emerald Valley, we plan on getting a couple of rounds of golf in, then head to the Ems’ game Friday night, then race back down to California Burrito Night on Saturday Night at San Manuel Stadium, the home of the Inland Empire 66ers. Yes, it is a savage life I lead, but someone has to live it.
We were a bit concerned that your organization would not be airing the NHL Draft on Friday Night because it is Princess Night at PK Park. However, Media Relations Guru Alex Stimson came up with brilliant solution — tie the NHL Draft into the Disney movie Frozen, and BOOM, we can have the best of both worlds. Let’s face it, Princess Nights have become a bit overdone on the MiLB circuit, especially since young girls should be raised to be independent masters of their own destiny instead of waiting for fairly tale endings to happen to them. However, a Princess Night that is also Hockey Night? That has Golden Bobblehead potential. Put Sluggo in hockey jersey, and let Mulan violently cross check him on the outfield boards. Instant PRIMAL SCREAMS! Letting Anne Culhanne [Director go Community Relations] lay out Chris Bowers [Corporate America] would probably go a long way to help your front office morale.
Your PA Dude can give live updates of the draft by playing a byte from “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?”, then announce the draft selection. Hey, did you know the 66ers had to quilt playing that song at San Manuel Stadium because the fans would sing “Do You Want to Punch a Nazi?” Best fans in MiLB, they are. If your bar just beyond first base does not have a television to air the draft, I can provide one. After all, if I can get a xylophone through security, a 55 inch TV should be no problem.
We could do Princess and Hockey Etiquette trivia questions. Sure Little Susie might know proper way to to excuse herself from the table to go to the bathroom at Belle’s dinner party, but does she know not to cross the red line during warms up? Have Danny Cowley [Graphic Design [Graphic Designer and Game Operator] put some hockey helmets on the Disney Princesses, and plaster their pictures all over the park. I probably do not have to tell you, but nothing says Princess and Hockey Night at the Ballpark quite like reduced beer specials and half priced shots.
I know this is all coming at you pretty fast, especially the part that Bads85 is really coming back to Eugene, but if we move quickly on this, we will be legends. Well, we already are, but this is the type of stuff that future MiLB executives will talk about with hushed reverence. @Bensbiz should be notified of these exciting events, starting with my courageous dash through the night to get to Grateful Dead Night to the blood curling screams from little princesses filled with hockey blood lust for perhaps the first time. This should also give you time to get my Emeralds’ business cards printed. It should be near the top of your Monday To Do list, right behind “Order the “Eugene: Baseball City” t-shirts.
I am sure you you have many questions, like, “What is Bads85 going to wear? What I should I wear? What type of madman drives 916.7 miles for a MiLB game on a non giveaway night? Who is this guy that is willing to complete post midnight dash with Bads85? Will we have enough beer on hand to accommodate this duo?”
I will have you know that Hockey Analyst (HA) is a grizzled California League veteran who traveled with me to visit the Myrtle Beach Pelicans and has witnessed the tight ship Ryan Moore [President] runs there. HA possesses a Down East Collard Greens’ hat, the alter identity of the mighty Wood Ducks. Quite simply, he is the man Holden Caulfield warned us about. Or Captain Ahab. Or Atticus Finch. I sometimes confuse all those guys. All I know is Hell often comes with him on his journeys. Make sure the kegs are full, and do not show any fear, or be alarmed if we shout, “Call me Ishmael!” at people walking past us.
Anyway, once again, I am making the extra effort to put the Ems’ on the national map because I am a giver.
Your friend in baseball,