Alex and I Discuss Promotions and Stolen Birthrights

Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

It is hard to believe that there are just sixteen home dates left for the Eugene Emeralds. It seems like just last week we were talking about producing our reality television show, and now summer is waning, and we have no video that I am aware of. Now, we are in the EVERY PROMOTION COUNTS part of the season.

Let’s talk about those promotions, shall we? Since this is the final stretch, every night should be a double promotion night to draw wider group of fans. For instance. Reggae Night should also be Speed Metal Night. I believe kids these days call this a mashup. Anyway, the left field side can be the Reggae side while the right field side is the Speed Metal side. Once beer sales are cut off, both sides can run across the outfield from their respective sides with medieval weapons and meet in the middle. The side with the most still standing wins free tacos at Jack in the Box.

The next night is Sluggo’s Birthday, which fine, mascot costumes get older each year. The celebration should be paired with Conceal and Carry Night where responsible gun owners can come to the park and have some target practice in the back parking lot. The following night is Thirsty Thursday and One Hit Wonder Night. I think your organization needs to dial in their definition of One Hit Wonders as The Knack also had a hit with “Good Girls Don’t (But I Do)” and A-Ha’s “The Sun Always Shines on TV” is immortal. I would say couple this with Dead Celebrity Night so fans can look back a dead bands and dead stars. Half price vodka drinks would help give this night a POP. 

Friday is Family 4-Pack Night which should be mashed with Singles and Swingers Night. Saturday Night is Soup or Hero Night… I could go on, but you get the point. I must say, I was a little hurt that I was not invited to be a local superhero after all Eugene and I have been through together, but I do not do well with puns, so it is probably for the best I am not in attendance that night. It is also the California Earthquake Authority Earthquake Preparedness Night at Rancho Cucamong Quakes who play at what used to be known as the Epicenter, which promises to be a rockin’ good time. Feel free to post images of my likenesses all over PK Park though.

By now, I am sure you have heard that there will be an Arizona Fall League this year, which means the Holy Pilgrimages to Phoenix can resume again. I strongly suggest that Allan Benavides [General Manager] have a front office pow wow in the desert. Fortunately, your organization would have an experienced guide to take you from stadium to stadium while showing you the nuances of the mean streets of Scottsdale. Of course, if you think your colleagues would just slow you down, you could fly solo and ride with my crew.

Hey, if you want that exclusive interview that sheds light on what make Bads85 tick, you best move quickly. Other club like the Wichita Wind Surge are sniffing around. Perhaps I can even send you the questions because I know you are a busy man, and I am a giver.

Did you know the Everett AquaSox stole my Copa de Diversion identity? By birthright, I can demand to be called El Conquistador. I rarely make that demand because it seems a bit narcissistic to do so, but the Everett organization insists upon calling themselvesLos Conquistadores, even though their little frog identity has conquered nothing in its existence.  

The time is growing late. I am contemplating a drive to Modesto as tomorrow is Wally the Walnut Bobblhead Night at the Nut’s place. We can make fun of Modesto for many reasons, but their mascots are bad ass, and Shelley the Pistachio is smokin’ hot.

Your friend in baseball,


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