Dear Eugene Emeralds’ Staff [Eugene Emeralds; High A West]:
Thank you for your hospitality when I visited your park on July 6th. I know many of you are wondering when I am going to return, and the answer could be much sooner than you think. In fact, if certain requirements are met on your end, I could be there next week for Thirsty Thursday and Grateful Dead Night. Yes, it could be said that I have a list of demands, but demand has such a negative connotation, so let’s just say I have traveling requirements that must be fulfilled before Alaska Airlines lets me on the plane.
I will probably be coming solo because Eugene really is not exactly a tourist attraction that my compadres are hot to visit while the Pacific Northwest is sweltering. As a result, I need drinking companions after the games. That is it. That is all I really need. I mean, be able to hold your liquor and not embarrass our party, but being minor league employees, you should be able to do that. If not, please know your slovenly behavior will be posted on various social media outlets by your co-workers.
Just so you know, Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] does not really read my missives, so he does not really have to be in the loop if you do not want him to be. He can worry about his shiny new stadium while we concern ourselves cold draft beer and SHOTS! while discussing the reality television show that Allan seems to be hesitant to promote. We can also design and order some killer merch while he panders to city council people. Or, if he is that father figure/mentor type boss who his staff adores, we can bring him along, although it would be nice if he had his hair trimmed before we hit the town.
Just to be clear, I do not even need the Emeralds’ staff to hang with. You can point me towards fans, gas station attendants, firemen, whatever. Just no professors as the ivory walls of academia give me the hives, and I have worked too hard on this figure to break out. No pervs either, please. Maybe you could have a contest with a dating game format where the lucky winner gets to go drinking with Bads85. The contestants are asked questions, and awkwardness and hilarity ensues. If we do go out as a group, does anyone know Mayor Lucy Vinis well enough to invite her to come along?
You might be asking, “Bads85, where will you be staying this trip?” Well, I am open to any suggestions from the Inn at Fifth to somebody’s couch. I would like to avoid the tent encampment underneath the freeway ramps because my back just is not what it used to be. I do know a killer bed & breakfast we can sneak in for some free morning grub. They love me there, just like every other establishment I visited in town, except for the Tap and Growler which tried to kill me by putting too much ice in my adult beverage. They were cheap though, so I had three.
I am sure you are also asking yourself, “What type of loser hops on a plane by himself to catch the second half of a home stand in MiLB, especially on California Burrito Weekend for the 66ers at San Manuel Stadium?” I must say, I am asking myself the same question. I barely know you people. Statistically speaking, one of you is an axe murderer. Your team plays in a college stadium (for now). California Burrito Weekend is the biggest weekend of the year since the 66ers lost the sponsor for Zombie Apocalypse Night (times are tough when the blood bank dumps you), and I am usually a celebrity judge for the burrito throw down. I do not have a good answer as to why I would venture to Eugene on my own other that I am on one hell of a roll right now, and Bull Durham told me to respect the streak.
The more adventurous of you might be thinking, “Just where we going drinking? I have standards that I will not ignore just so you can drink cheap Pabst Blue Ribbon and stuff your face with glorious chicken wings.” I will defer to your judgment in this, although I would prefer we avoid any place where drinks are served with tiny umbrellas because those things can poke your eye out. Some of you might be concerned about just what the hell we are going to talk about. Well, we can start with proper mascot protocol and go from there.
Your friend in baseball,