Dear Ms. Lucy Vinis [Mayor; Eugene, Oregon]:
Greetings from Minor League Baseball’s greatest, almost official ambassador. You might have heard that I have recently fallen in love with your fair city because of my intimate relationship with the Eugene Emeralds. I recently awarded them my prestigious Best Fan Experience of 2021 Award, which is pretty heady stuff, especially since they beat out the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, which set the industry bar for excellence.
As you have most certainly heard, the Emeralds need a new stadium for a myriad of reasons, mainly because the current college stadium in which they play no longer suits their needs. If they do not find a new place to call home, Major League Baseball will force the Emeralds to move elsewhere to a community that is willing to build them a new stadium, and the fair city of Eugene will lose the beloved Emeralds and a little piece of its soul.
As a mayor who certainly understands the pulse of her city, I know you understand what a blow that would be to the city’s psyche. Eugene is many things, an iconic college town, a great place to raise a family, a hippy commune, a one stop, cannabis shop location, a hobo refuge, but is also a baseball town. Baseball is part of the fabric of the city
Sigh. Ms. Lucy, allow me to be candid. I closed The Cooler last night and found my traveling companion walking the streets barefoot because he locked himself out of the hotel. I am too hung over this morning to be a cliché’ generator. Eugene needs the Emeralds. I can wax poetic until a zombie Shoeless Joe Jackson wanders out of a hemp farm to play catch with some terrified sons with complex daddy issues, but at this time, what the Ems and the city of Eugene needs is action and commitment. I implore you to flex some of your mighty political muscle to help the Ems begin their stadium quest in the proper direction.
As the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of MiLB, I do have some clout myself, and I will see what I can do to ensure what I can do to see the new stadium is named after you. “Ms. Lucy Vinis Field” has a very nice ring to it, don’t you think? You are at the junction your political career when you need to start thinking about your legacy. Having a stadium named after you would an impressive feather in your cap. Or beret. Or whatever fashionable headwear you choose.
I know they are more pressing issues facing the city, but those require difficult solutions. Keeping the Ems in town does not. Help them secure a stadium. You should attend the Emeralds’ game tonight to experience why the Ems are important to the city. Let your political shield down, and allow the minor league baseball experience to permeate your soul. I will be there, and can answer any philosophical questions you might have to the best of my ability. I am sure if your staff calls the front office right now, the Ems could arrange for you to sit in the comfort of a luxury suite. Be sure to tell them that Bads85 will be joining you. I will be playing golf at the Eugene Country Club today, but I promise I will freshen up before the game, just for you. I will be departing for Southern California right after the game because tomorrow is California Burrito Night at San Manuel Stadium, and I cannot miss that because it is the social event of the year.
Your friend in baseball
Bads85
Dead Religions 