Dear Alex Stimsom [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds}:

Recently I have been inundated with fan mail from Eugene Emeralds’ fans, almost certainly a result of the immense popularity of my missives that your organization has been posting on its website. Normally, I do not answer fan mail because groupies are nothing but trouble, but since Ems’ fans have begun occupying a special place in my heart, I did take the time to respond, and thought I should share some exchanges with you.

Dear Bads85,When will Emeralds’ August Promotion Schedule be released?   — Jodi in Gresham

Jodi,I do not officially work with the promotions department, so I cannot answer that at this time. I am sure it will be out very soon, maybe even this week while the team is on the road. I hope soon because proper planning is essential for a baseball road trip. August 5th at the latest.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Do you have any idea when the Emeralds’ August Promotion Schedule be released? If any Carolina League organization had waited this long to release their promotion schedule, you would have written more words than Tolstoy about it.   — Ryan in Myrtle Beach

Ryan,

You are correct, but the Carolina League does not have to contend with Governor Brown. Now that COVID restrictions have loosened, and now that PK Park can be filled to capacity (fans willing), I think things will change. Oh, in case you did not get the memo, the Carolina League is no more.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Are you as funny in person as you are in your writing?  I would hate to meet you and be disappointed that your real person voice is weaker that your narrative voice.  — Levi in Springfield

Levi,

Funnier. And even better looking. I don’t think we are ever going to meet though. Be strong, Buckaroo. 

  —Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Will beer prices ever come down at minor league baseball stadiums? They have been rising at an alarming rate in the past couple of years. Will a Beer Boycott be necessary to get the MilLB owners’ attention?  — Richard in Astoria

Dick,

Beer prices are the result of supply and demand. As long as people keep paying stadium prices for beer, the prices will not change. Boycotts are usually the last refuge of impotent scoundrels though. I would suggest just ordering beers and walking away from the beer stand without paying. Still tip your server though. 

 —Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Why do you have such animosity for our beloved Sluggo?  — Lisa in Eugene

Lisa,Because Squatch is the logical choice for the Emeralds’ mascot. He is strong, virtuous, and matches the mystique of the Pacific Northwest. Sluggo looks like the kid who stands by the keg at fraternity parties and get punched in the gut when someone’s date needs a beer. But other than that, I have a deep affection for Sluggo. He is fun at social gatherings.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Do the Emeralds ever feel they have to stay ahead of the Portland Pickles?  — Dillon the Pickle

Dillon,

The Portland who?   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

What is your favorite memory of the Northwest League?  — Wild Nights in Everett

Wild Nights,

All of them, except those in Salem and Boise.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

Is Thirsty Thursday dying?  — Concerned in The Dino

Concerned,

Not ion my watch. However, Thirsty Thursdays need more love and attention from MiLB organizations. These night are not automatic large draws in the Pandemic’s twilight. Fans need to be reacquainted with their past love to remember why they fell for Thirsty Thursdays in the place.   

—Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Bads85,

What makes you think you are qualified to write about baseball front offices when you have never worked a day in a MiLB front office?  -Sports Management Degree in Rancho Cucamonga

Sports Management,

I wrote a report on PT Barnum in middle school. Plus, you know, rock ’n roll.   

—Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Bads85,Is there any schedule to when your missives will be published on the Ems’ website? Honestly, they appear with the consistency of a fruit fly whose flight path crossed a meth lab.  — Larry in Hagerstown

Larry,

We have our best minds on that.   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85

Bads85,

Did you know the Boise Hawks have released their August promotion schedule, even though they no longer have a MLB Affiliation.  — Liz in Boise

Liz,

Yes, which is why Boise is on my Pacific Northwest road trip this summer. Good things happen to those who plan ahead!   

—Your friend in baseball,             

Bads85