Dear Lucy Vinis [Mayor; Eugene, Oregon]:
The word on the street is you have not responded to my missives is because you are miffed that I came to your fair city without giving you the proper time to make plans to meet my acquaintance. I seriously doubt that is true as you are a consummate professional and understand that the life of a minor league road warrior sometimes makes long term planning impossible. Sometimes the call of the road requires immediate action. Sometimes you just have to race to a far away town in the middle of the night.
I know it had to be very disappointing for you to know I was in town, but our busy social calendars did not allow us to meet. I mean, I could have invited you to hang out with much of the Ems’ front office staff at The Cooler, but we had the August promotion schedule to discuss, but I was remiss in not inviting you.. However, last call comes early on that side of the river, so I thought it best not to request your presence at that time. Hey, what is your definition of a One Hit Wonder? I bet it is different than the Ems, who think The Knack were a one hit wonder with “My Sharona” even though they had an #11 hit with “Good Girls Don’t.” I ask because Thursday, August 5th is “One Hit Wonder Night” at PK Park.
Have you come out on record about how you feel about our beloved Eugene Emeralds playing at PK Park, which is very unsuited for High A Ball. Oh, it is a beautiful but quaint college stadium, but High A Baseball is so, so much more than college ball, which still uses aluminum bats. Pk Park does not even have a freshly squeezed lemonade stand, a staple of any full season park. You might be thinking, “Bads85, I never drink lemonade at a ballpark because of BEER!”, and while I understand that sentiment, perhaps you might like to mix some bourbon with some freshly squeezed lemonade on a warm evening. Or vodka. Lots of vodka. But I digress. Your constituents would be relieved to hear that you would like to see the Emeralds playing in the park they and your fair city deserves.
I would suggest having a press conference sooner than later, maybe on August 3rd at Reggae Night at the Ems’ current stadium. Standing right next to that large inflatable of Sluggo would offer great photo opportunities, but speaking from the bar in right field would put you closer to the hard working people of Eugene. Plus, you could point to the inadequate team store, something that will not be an issue at the new stadium. I probably do not have to tell you this, but you would also be closer to the alcohol, which makes getting a post presser drink that much easier. Always ask for a double a stadium bar, Ms. Mayor. Trust me on this.
Hey, I just had a flash of brilliance. This occurs frequently with me, and I really have no control over it, but when it happens, I know to roll with it. As you well know, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Minor League Baseball. The restricting laws of physics prevent me from being more than one place or not, so if I am at say, San Manuel Stadium, I cannot be in Eugene. However, I can delegate my ambassadorship privileges to others, so I decree you are the official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Eugene in my absence. This means you can go to the games on Thursdays, wave to people, and drink $3.00 tallboys while extolling the joys of minor league baseball and the needs for a new Emeralds’ stadium. Contact the Ems; front office for additional details. Do not hold your breath on receiving your official business card though. I am still waiting on mine.
I eagerly way your response. Remember, the positive externalities generated by a MiLB team may also result in non-pecuniary effects such as community pride, happiness, and increased morale. In short, and MiLB team can make people feel good about where they live. Get the message to the people, Thirty Thursday Ambassador in Absentia.
Your friend in baseball,