I Begin Planning for Wichita

Dear Katie Woods [Director of Marketing & Community Engagement; Wichita Wind Surge]:

Hey Gurl! Imagine my surprise when I was perusing the Wind Surge’s front office page as planning for my stadium visits for the 2022 season, and saw your name. Once upon a time, in a galaxy, far, far away in 2019, you ensured that a Lancaster Viento shirt made to my doors in Redlands, CA before Opening Day in an effort that I can still only describe as absolutely heroic,  and should be the standard of service throughout Minor League Baseball. Unfortunately, many teams still employ the Pony Express to deliver their merchandise.

Anyway, it is wonderful that your are still in THE BIZ, and working for the team that is at the very top of my parks to visit next season. Riverfront Stadium looks absolutely gorgeous. I would have made it there this summer if not for a little side gig with the Eugene Emeralds. I also did make it to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Stockton Ports, Salt Lake City Bees, Lake Elsinore Storm, and of course my beloved Inland Empire 66ers. I refuse to go to a Rancho Cucamonga Quakes games until the baseball gods release hellfire from the sky to thoroughly scour the place.

I am not sure exactly when my travels will bring me to Wichita, but I would project July. I do have some questions about your stadium guide that I hope you can answer to alleviate the burdens of travel planning.

  1. I see you have a service dog only policy, and I applaud that. However, I recently acquired a Komodo dragon to keep the groupies at bay after my spike in popularity in Eugene. Does your organization make exceptions for these noble steeds? If not, could I hire security officers to keep the screaming masses away from me — officers with tasers?
  2. I see that Riverfront Stadium is a cashless stadium which limits peasants, Do you take Applebee’s gift cards. I keep receiving those damn things as presents, and I refuse to go back after the disaster in Salt Lake City after the Bees’ game.
  3. I see players and coaches are not allowed to sign autographs? What about me though? Not all my fans are savages, and it think it would be unduly harsh for my fans to be denied my autograph.
  4. It says all banners and signs are prohibited. I must ask you, Katie, are not t-shirts essentially a banner?
  5. I see that baby formula is allowed in the park. My good traveling companion, Bongwater, might be with me on this trip, and he suffers from the Benjamin Button Disease. His case is pretty advanced, and his doctor has prescribed him a formula of Fireball and Rumchata. I usually have to have a nip to ensure it has not been poisoned by an ex-lover. I assume this will not be a problem. Will Bongwater be able to be able to purchase a child’s ticket?
  6. Your guide states that “Any rebroadcast or reproduction of the game or event without the express written consent of the Wichita Wind Surge is prohibited.” Do you really have the manpower to enforce that?
  7. It is suggested lost children should contact Wichita Wind Surge Representative if they become lost? Are we just throwing STRANGER DANGER out the window?
  8. I see no noisemakers are allowed. Are xylophones considered noisemakers? Asking for a friend in Eugene.

I have any more questions but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] informed me he quits reading my missives after a certain world count, so I will hold off on further questions. I look forward from hearing from you in the very near future.

Your friend in baseball, 


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