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Seattle pitching coach Carl Willis mooned the Tribe faithful at Progressive Field tonight after the Mariners beat the hell out of the Cleveland Indians in the second game of a double header. “I am sure I am going to get fined for that, but those people gave me a lot of grief when I was here. I know what most of those people are married to; that was the best piece of ass they’ve seen for a long time.”

Mariners’ manager Eric Wedge started drinking in the dugout early in the first game and was absolutely smashed the the post game press conference after the second game. “We would have won both games if not for Choo. I love that guy, but all those fans who brought their dogs to the ballpark better have been careful, otherwise their pet could be in a Choo stew by now.”

Shin-Soo Choo, whose Sluggling Percentage is still under .400, despite a double, triple and two homeruns today, was not amused with Wedge’s remarks. “That is one bitter drunk,” snapped Choo. “He has turned into a fat Geddy Lee. Every time he opens he mouth, it is, ‘Screech, screech, screech’.”

Kosuke Fukudome was crestfallen by the loss. “The city is an endless source of wonder. A promotion to bring dogs to the ballpark? Brilliant! Any city that would bring their dogs to watch us play deserves a champion. Too bad Asdrubal Cabrera chose this time to fall into a slump. Too bad our pitching is not any good anymore. Too bad I jumped when I didn’t have to. Too bad Lou Marson is on this team.”

Yesterday: -190 because the Cards couldn’t score for Carpenter.

Season total: -565

Today’s Picks:

Colorado -1500 to win 1000. Alex White continues his march to Cooperstown against the Astros. Sure money. There was an earthquake in Colorado today when White came off the DL just to make sure everyone knew it was Alex White time.

Reds (Cueto) -145 over Marlins.
Rangers (Lewis) -160 over the Red Sox.
White Sox (Buehrle) +140 over Angels.
Brewers/Pirates over 8.5

Seattle Mariners’ manager Eric Wedge urinated on the Cleveland Indians’ freshly dug grave tonight after his team beat the Tribe for the first time with him at the helm. “I won’t lie to you; that felt really good,” said Wedge after he took a long pull from a bottle of Jim Beam. “Let’s just say my relationship with this city isn’t like that Adele song. This wasn’t a bittersweet reunion. I was glad to get out of here before my soul was crushed. This place made me real sad.”

“There won’t being any red ferns growing on their [Indians’] grave,” Wedge continued after a belch. “God called all the angels home from this place a long time ago. Old Dan and Little Ann are dead, dead, dead.”

Wedge might not have had his little triumph if Chris Perez hadn’t had another meltdown in the ninth, hitting two batters and making an error on a bunt. “I didn’t care where the ball was going,” said a defiant Perez. “I was just trying to kill people. Dead men tell no tales. From henceforth, I want to be called ‘Steve the Pirate’.”

Yesterday: +75. Season total -375.

Today’s Picks: Cardinals (Carpenter) -190 over Dodgers
Cubs (Dempster) +125 over Braves
Rangers (Wilson) -145 over Red Sox

Ubaldo Jimenez’s most recent masterpiece will undoubtedly spawn all sorts of grass root movements calling for Cleveland Indians’ GM Chris Antonetti’s Ichabod Crane looking head. With Alex White scheduled to start for the Colorado Rockies on Tuesday, one has to wonder just the hell Antonetti was thinking. If White was that close to coming back, why the need to make a reckless move? It wasn’t like Jimenez could carry the team to the playoffs, even if he was pitching well.

“I thought I was Kevin Malone,” said a humbled Antonetti, “except with Johnny Depp type looks and sabermetric smarts. I thought I was making the big splash that would save Cleveland. The fans would adore me, women would throw themselves at my feet, and I would be given my own display in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. Instead, I am just a dumbass. I suppose I am more like Malone than I thought.”

Meanwhile, Manny Acta had another stupid quote after the game, acting as if Jimenez’s decrease in velocity wasn’t a concern because Josh Tomlin only hits about 87 or 88 MPH on the gun. Bouncing Baby Jesus on a pogo stick, Acta, Tomlin is a mediocre pitcher posting a 96 ERA+ this season while giving up twenty-three homeruns. Secondly, Tomlin is a finesse who relies on pinpoint control and changing speeds to survive. Jimenez is supposed to be a power pitcher — a drop in velocity is an alarming thing, not something that should be shrugged off, even if you are just trying to protect your player.

The good baseball news from this weekend is that I clinched first place in my division in fantasy baseball. Unlike the Indians, that team gives back.

Powell brought up Vladimir Guerrero’s HOF case is the comments section. Let’s expand on that, but let’s preface by looking at the first ballot HOFers in the last twenty years — seventeen in all. The chronological list, along with career Wins Above Replacement (WAR) includes:

Tom Seaver (105.3)
Reggie Jackson (74.6)
Steve Carlton (84.4)
Mike Schmidt (108.3)
George Brett (85.0)
Nolan Ryan (84.8)
Robin Yount (76.9)
Kirby Puckett (44.8)
Dave Winfield (59.7)
Ozzie Smith (64.6)
Eddie Murray (66.7)
Dennis Eckersley (58.7)
Paul Molitor (74.8)
Wade Boggs (89.0)
Tony Gwynn (68.4)
Cal Ripken Jr. (89.9)
Rickey Henderson (113.1)

As of now, Guerrero is at 58.7 Career WAR. It is very important to note that WAR is just the opening of a HOF case, not the final argument. Career value is just one part, albeit large, of a HOF case. Peak value is another large component, and Guerrero had an excellent peak. However, other than Puckett, Winfield, and Eckersley, Guerrero is dwarfed by those other first ballot HOFers. Eckersley went in to Cooperstown primarily as a reliever, so he probably shouldn’t be included in the conversation. Puckett was a peak candidate, plus he received sympathy credit because of the Dennis Martinez fastball to the head that coincided with the premature end to his career. Winfield was extremely popular with the media — I don’t think Guerrero has had that popularity, although he is well received by the scribes.

Now let’s look at some recent HOF candidates that were not first ballot HOFers — Roberto Alomar (65.3), Barry Larkin (68.9), and Jeff Bagwell (79.9). Alomar went in on the second ballot, and Larkin and Bagwell should go in very soon. However, they had more career value than Guerrero, but weren’t first ballot guys. Alomar was hurt by the spitting incident — some voters refused to vote for him the first time around as a punishment. Bagwell might have received steroid backlash, even though he was never linked to steroids. Larkin’s career was greatly underappreciated because he played in Cincinnati and his injuries.

The key argument for Guerrero is his peak — his career value alone is not a slam dunk HOF case (Kenny Lofton (65.3) accrued significant more Career WAR than Guerrero so far). However, Guerrero’s five best seasons of WAR totaled to 33.8, which is excellent. That peak, combined with his career value, makes him a very strong HOF candidate.

I seriously doubt Guerrero will be a first ballot HOFer. By time he is eligible to be on the ballot, there will probably be a huge backlog of players on the ballot, which will take votes from Guerrero. While his peak was excellent, I don’t know if that will impress the voters enough to put him in on the first ballot. He did win an MVP though and made nine All Star teams, which certainly bolsters his case. Plus, Guerrero’s career isn’t over yet. If he finds some gas left in the tanks, and has a couple of more good seasons, perhaps that will influence the voters to put him in the first time. However, if he languishes for a couple of seasons before hanging up his spikes, that could negatively influence the voters.

Yesterday — a wash. Season total remains -450.

Today’ Picks:

Brewers (Gallardo) -140 vs. Mets
Rangers (Holland) -125 vs. White Sox
Pirates/Reds over 8.5

Li’l Bobby, the Beloved Nephew (Raul), and I just returned home from a minor league game in Old Berdoo. The running topic of conversation was that if I had a Twitter account, the entire world could know instantly of our hilarity. I am suspicious of that type of technology, but these eggheads think it would be a swell idea to get our reality TV show rolling.

Highlights of game in Berdoo: Bobby took my son on a bathroom run. While in the public bathroom, a mentally challenged adult shat himself while his pants were at his ankles at a stand up urinal. Later when trying to re-tell the story, my boy said, “Dad, what do you call a guy with those funny, crossed eyes, and bad teeth? Oh, wait, I remember — somebody from Pittsburgh!”

Shots!

Bobby just noted that the Vikings coach has no eybrows. How can you have the respect of your team if you have no eyebrows?

Red Lobster commercial on — Bobby doesn’t understand why I hate Red Lobster — Bobby was raised on beens, tortillas, and butter. “We didn’t have microwaves, so we warmed the tortillas on a skillet while throwing some butter on them. When we were really good, Mom put bologna on them — we called them roll-ups.” Forty-five minute debate between Raul, Bobby, and my wife about who grew up the poorest (all were upper middle class).

Raul just said Jamaal Wilkes can type faster than me.

Jamal(spelled T-R-A-V-I-S) Witherspoon made his High A debut at Berdoo. He smashed a HR in his first plate appearance, so we thought he might be good. He isn’t.

Brady Quinn must hate being behind Tim Tebow on the Broncos’ depth chart.

What is up with A.J Burnett’s hair? It is more fucked up than Fernando Rodney’s hat.

Shots!

We think Raul has a fat fetish. He has photos of fat women from the game on his phone. His defense is “You’ve never been to Sea World and taken pictures of Shamoo?” Raul is now trying to argue that sleeping with a fat chick is the same thing as masturbating to a fat chick (it most certainly isn’t). Now he is saying that you aren’t a real man unless you slept with a midget. Bobby just told a story about bringing Chewbacca home. 45 minutes later, I am pretty sure Raul has slept with trannies.

Shots!

Los Angeles Dodgers’ GM Ned Colletti’s name has surfaced as a candidate for the Cubs’ GM position now that genius Jim Hendry was sent packing. Colletti deflected those questions, saying, “Look, I escaped from that organization with my life years ago; I have no intention of going back. Things might be a mess here in Los Angeles, but the Cubs are the Cubs, plus their fans are unwashed.”

Frank and Ned --- Before Things Went South

When told of the rumors, Frank McCourt replied, “Really? God, I hope he leaves; it will save me the PR hit from firing him. I am sure these rumors are just media speculation since Colletti grew up in that flyover town — not even the Cubs would want Colletti. However, a man can dream. Sometimes I dream about Tweeter. Sometimes I dream about Jan. Sometimes I don’t dream about nothing but the Monkey Man.”

When told of McCourt’s comments, Collett replied, “Well, fuck him. He is just mad about the Trayvon Robinson deal. He is too busy suing his lawyer to realize that Robinson has struck out sixteen times times in the Bigs while only walking once. Ron Barajas won’t be around forever. I did the right thing! Maybe I will go to Chicago. They have an ample minor league system to plunder. I bet I could get Orlando Cabrera real cheap.”

Local Cleveland politics must be rubbing off on Indians’ manager Manny Acta because his vernacular now sounds as if he is running for office. When asked about the Indians’ upcoming oversaturated schedule, Acta unleashed this golden quote (I can’t even make up something like this), “This is our job. We work, at the max, eight months a year. The guy that works in a factory has to go in every single day, including Christmas. This is what guys train for in the off-season and spring training.”

Putting aside factories and Cleveland no longer have a blessed bond, Acta is referring to guys like this:

Yeah, Ironman there looks like a well oiled, labor machine — a paragon of Modern Labor. If Modern Labor can punch the clock every day, then those poor, spoiled ballplayers can certainly play eighteen games in sixteen days to finish the season. If Modern Labor can lift its chins from its morning bowl of pasta to make it to the line, then the spoiled Indians should be able to come up with some clutch hits when the chips are down. If Modern Labor can work on Christmas (getting triple time), then those softie ballplayers can at least do their share to ease the burden of living in the post-industrial world by reaching deep down to bring home a championship. Modern Labor has the proper Will To Win; why don’t the ballplayers?

Acta just royally pissed off the Baseball Gods and the Water Nymph of Lake Erie with this sappy nonsense — mark the calendar, this is the day the 2011 Indians died. The weather forecast for the next six weeks in Northeast Ohio is pain, lots of it. The Tribe’s loss last night against the Tigers, coupled with the Browns’ pre-season loss was just the opening of the flood gates. When the water finally resides, all that will be left is Don McClean sitting on a statue in the ruined Public Square, singing that damn song for eternity.