Seattle Mariners’ manager Eric Wedge urinated on the Cleveland Indians’ freshly dug grave tonight after his team beat the Tribe for the first time with him at the helm. “I won’t lie to you; that felt really good,” said Wedge after he took a long pull from a bottle of Jim Beam. “Let’s just say my relationship with this city isn’t like that Adele song. This wasn’t a bittersweet reunion. I was glad to get out of here before my soul was crushed. This place made me real sad.”
“There won’t being any red ferns growing on their [Indians’] grave,” Wedge continued after a belch. “God called all the angels home from this place a long time ago. Old Dan and Little Ann are dead, dead, dead.”
Wedge might not have had his little triumph if Chris Perez hadn’t had another meltdown in the ninth, hitting two batters and making an error on a bunt. “I didn’t care where the ball was going,” said a defiant Perez. “I was just trying to kill people. Dead men tell no tales. From henceforth, I want to be called ‘Steve the Pirate’.”
Dead Religions 
I’m sure that there have been relief pitchers who have had worse innings, but I can’t think of any right now. I am suspicious. Are they drinking in the bullpen now?