Dead Religions

The Cleveland Indians are now 4-8 in the month of September after the Texas Ranger smacked around the Tribe’ best starter, Justin Masterson, then put some put down some hurt on the Indians’ September call-ups in the bullpen. Asdrubal “Grumpy” Cabrera continued his brutal slump — if he were a horse, he’s have been destroyed by now. The eternal optimist, Manny Acta, continues to bat Cabrera in the three hole. “We’re toast,” snapped Acta after the game. “What difference does it make where I bat him? Why don’t you focus on that team that lost to the Bengals this weekend because they don’t know how to properly exit a defensive huddle?”

Carlos Santana passed Cabrera in OPS tonight after hitting a double and two home runs. “Is anyone really surprised?” asked Santana. “His OPS has dropped over 50 points since he accosted me in the dugout. The baseball gods are just. All Star, my ass.”

Meanwhile, Matt LaPorta said, “Hey, I am back! Where is my parade?”

Aaron Gleeman, the internet god who was a co-founder of The Hardball Times when he was a kid living with his parents, just wrote a positive review of the soon to be released Moneyball. I wasn’t invited to the advance screening because the studio heads obviously don’t remember me from The Wildly Popular Other Blog, but Gleeman was.

I met Gleeman at SABR 41 — I sat next to him at lunch one day and discussed the 1995-96 Indians with him. Sometimes when you meet someone you have admired for a long time, you are disappointed when that guy turns out to be a dick. This wasn’t the case at all with Gleeman — he was one of the most laid back characters I’ve ever met. The guy has a soft spot for beer also — not the raging alcoholic soft spot, but the appreciation of a sustained buzz. For that reason, I respect his take on Brad Pitt’s new vehicle. Of course, if he is wrong, then he will an unwilling guest on my upcoming reality TV show when we crash his show.

Hollywood hasn’t produced a good baseball movie for a long time, so hopefully Gleeman is correct. I have a good feeling about this one though.

Speaking of The Hardball Times, Steve Treder recently embarked on an interesting project Countermanding the Colavito Curse. Treder is a cool cat I met at SABR also.

Still morose from the Browns – I feel like I was at the barricades in Les Mis and the little kid just died — that little kid was my innocence.

Eli Manning rushing TD. I have Manning in one of my leagues. My fantasy teams give me more love than the Browns. Powell says the Brrowns not calling time out was almost as a creative way to lose an opener as the Helmet Game.

Black47 just left the tap on the keg running. I think he has an audition for the Browns defense.

Bobby is at the Chargers game. I hope he is suffering — he is a kick in the ass when he is in pain.

Phillip Rivers is yelling at one of his coaches. Intensity or jackassery?

Just re-iced the beer in the bar sink — the surface froze over, just like Lake Erie in March. Starting to lose the Browns’ induced depression. Rivers INT in the Red Zone. That had to hurt, Bobby.

Mike Scoiscia no longer has a chin. His neck ate it.

I am counting the commericilas that illustrate the terrorists are winning. Powell told me this was futile because the Browns’ stupid loss was an indication that the American Way has not changed.

UPS — terrorists are winning. What is with the symbolism in the new Burger Kimg commercials? The Bud Light Browns’ commericial with the guy getting spanked trying to jump over the line of scrimmage is a very accurate metaphor about pain. My pain.

The Redskins could be the new cool. Chargers win; Bobby will be insufferable. The good news is the wife just gave the thumbs up for the upgrade of the TV over the jacuzzi. There will be an eight minute preview of the X-Factor after the game, so we have that going for us.

We just found out Bobby was the designated driver at the Chargers game. He is on the way from the game. This will be epic.

The Harbaugh era is off to a good start in San Francisco. Alex Smith is reborn (Colt McCoy isn’t). Stanford hasn’t missed a beat though. How about them Irish last night?

Powell just confessed he went to a Daughtery concert. He said it was like being at Spanky’s back in the day. I think the terrorists are winning.

SHOTS!

Night game now. Powell sarcastically said Des Bryant is better than Lynn Swann. After that catch, maybe that isn’t a stretch.

Raging argument — who is fatter, Rex Ryan or Mike Scioscia?

Instead of having Ice Cube promote their product, Coors’ Light market campaign should be, “You can drink thirty of these in one day, plus a few shots. Your dumb friends will think you are a god.”

Blocking seems to be a problem in Week One. Quote me on that. It will be a topic on Dan Patrick’s show.

Bobby is here. SHOTS! I just droppes a Browns’ shot glass; it shattered. One step closer to being free!

Powell just said McCoy is Matt LaPorta. Powell needs to open his heart a bit more. Matt LaPorta is Brady Quinn.

Deion Sanders? Comfortable with his manhoood, or trying to escape from the closet?
Same question for Chris Berman.

Sanchez sacked. I smell OT.

NO OT. Romo has blue lips.

SHOTS! Game over. Back to Baseball.

Pretty large crew here today — have the NFL Red Zone on the new HDTV. Raul is complaing he won’t see his Chiefs that much on that channel. I told him he would probably see the Chiefs’ defense a great deal. On cue, Chiefs’ turnover on the kickoff.

Browns are off to a penalty filled start to the season. Glad things have not changed with the new coach. Free Eric Mangini!

Browns go down 3-0 and are eliminated from the playoffs.

Black47 is in eighteen fantasy football leagues. That is perhaps a bit excessive.

Bengals, on their second drive are manhandling the Browns. Let the pain known as the 2011 season commence. Maybe the current Browns can move to Los Angeles, and the city of Cleveland can get another expansion team. One can hope.

Powell is very down on Colt McCoy — says he throws like a girl. So far, Powell looks to be correct. David Gerrard anyone?

13-0 Bengals — a moral victory for the Browns. TD pass from McCoy, 13-7. Powell still not impressed, says the pass had too much air under it, but the Browns are back in it.

The Colts’ fall from grace look to be steep and immediate. Maybe drafting Pierre Chacon for my fantasy team was not such a good idea.

This NFL Red Zone channel is civilization’s greatest invention.

Long pass, off balance throw from McCoy. Does he still throw like a girl, Powell?

Raul’s Chiefs are having a bad day. His fantasy team is doing well though. At what point does one start loving their fantasy team more than laundry? In the Chiefs’ case, I would bet sooner than later.

The All State commerical with the ref on a pass of destruction out of the stadium is hysterical.

Browns have ten penalties in the first half. I bet Indians’ closer Chris Perez has something to say about that.

At halftime, my sphincter informed me that there is a very high possibility that I will shit my pants today.

Powell said that he should have moved to Baltimore when the Browns did. And changed his name also.

The poor, poor Pittsburgh Steelers are getting crushed. Omar Epps is so upset on the sidleine that he might not reurn to House.

Seventeen unanswered points for the Browns — not nearly enough. Pain is still in the forecast.

Vick did something special, but no replay on the RZ channel because it went to the Chiefs’ game. Raul is in agony.

Cribbs with the big play on special teams after the offense trips on its dick. Replay overturns it. Browns are the slowest game of the day because of people like Marvin Lewis.

Monsters of the Midway banner in Chicago — that is so 1985.

Browns now have four sacks, and I am tired of the Miller Lite Man Up commericals. It is light beer that you are drinking, you pussies. Have some Jim Beam and STFU.

SHOTS! First of the season. Bengals’ Green is displaying very poor sportsmanship on the sidelines. Have some Miller Lite, Pussy. Share it with your injured teammate who is holding up the game.

Browns are going to blow this game. The Irish guy punting needs to go back to his bog and take the offensive play caller with him.

Suddenly, Green is not such a pussy as the entire defense falls asleep. Why no defensive timeout? Retards. Suddenly, I am in not such a good move anymore. I need to make fun of Raul to feel better.

I smell overtime. Greg Little just took out Cribbs on the punt return. Pure genius — don’t score to0 quickly. Oh wait, Colt McCoy is the QB — no late game drives because he thinks offensive linemen are passing targets on fourth down. The familiar pain is back.

Cedric Benson TD. I have him in my fantasy league. YES! Eat shit, Browns. If you are too stupid to a call a defensive timeout, my loyalties lie with my fantasy team. Plus, the Bengals scored too quickly. TD, onside kick, back in business. Cleveland Browns’ Stadium is almost empty — where did all the pussies go? To drink Miller Lite?

Lions win. Detroit is a better city than Cleveland because Colt McCoy is not a leader of men.

SHOTS! TO EASE OUR PAIN!

I took a bit of a break this week from writing about the Cleveland Indians because there are only so many ways on can write humorously about them losing. However, Chris Perez’s performance in the bottom of the tenth yesterday was comedic genius, a tribute to the master of slapstick, Joe Borowski. Perez further pushed the funny bone envelope when he blamed home plate umpire Ed Hickox for the Tribe walking eleven batters. “I think it had something to do with the umpiring,” said Perez. “Sometimes you’ll see one reliever struggle, but not all five.” Meanwhile, the White Sox walked one batter all game and struck out fifteen.

Remember Me?

The Indians hitters are averaging about eight strikeouts a game this season, meaning they strike out more than any other team in the American League. Now that Matt LaPorta is back with the team, they should not relinquish their grasp on the strikeout title. Meanwhile, the Indians are eleven games behind the Tigers, so the Tribe has the Tigers right where they want them.

Cleveland mayor Frank Jackson announced a week of mourning for the city following the Indians’ loss on Labor Day and commanded churches to ring their bells for a week as a death knell for the Tribe. “Their deadline acquisition was better than ours today,” said the mayor. “I don’t even like baseball, but my city is sad. Plus, the Browns start action this week, and that is a much higher level of pain. Let the bells ring for innocence lost!”

“Oh, screw Mayor Frank,” said a local priest from Our Lady of the Perpetual Black Eye, who wanted to remain anonymous. “Another fire hydrant blew up downtown, and that shyster wants to grandstand. Hey, Mayor, it is Labor Day, and there are no jobs except for that casino Devil’s work! Ring this, Mayor.”

Tigers’ pitcher Doug Fister struck out thirteen Indians on the to a 4-2 victory. “I am not a strike out pitcher,” said Fister. “I have a career K/9 IP of 5.2, but those guys are really bad. I wish I could pitch against them all the time.”

Manager Manny Acta was not happy after the game. “Look, our best cut of the day, other than the Fukudome homer, was when Asdrubal Cabrera chucked his bat after striking out with the bases loaded,” said a surly Acta. “That guy is really grumpy. He need to get laid. He is hitting .245/.320/.425 since the All Star Break. The carriage has turned into a pumpkin, plus I don’t like his bushy hair. We need a team barber.”

Friday results: +100.
Season total: +1728

Today’s Picks: Indians (Jimenez) -125 over Tigers
Dodgers (Kuroda) -125 over Nats
Cubs/Reds over 6.5

Tigers are up a touchdown over the White Sox. Bobby is dancing on the Indians’ grave. He also is ragging on D-3 football because I went to a University of Redlands tailgate yersterday. Bobby is just a bitter Notre Dame fan.

The Reeser is with us tonight — he is the guy on our reality TV show that didn’t know what he got himself into. Bobby and he are sharing college war stories. They used to drink at the same bars at the same time, but didn’t know each other then. Likely story — I smell a lover’s tryst.

Reeser says his shot days are behind him. I call bullshit. Reeser and Bobby are arguing over the merits of Reggie Bush. This will not end well, but I will be entertained.

Reeser wants me to put a chipping green in the back yard — on the hill — chip from the side lawn over the concrete patio. My wife was going for it until Bobby suggested we use a strippers’ pole for the pen.

This baseball game is so bad we might watch NASCAR. Versus is having a Point Break marathon though — “You crossed the line. People trusted you and they died. You gotta’ go down.”

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh is on. Bobby is stoked. It sounds like Reeser just had a huge wet fart. They couldn’t make this movie today. Chris Ford as the antagonist. Who knew he had such acting chops?

Tigers have a two touchdown lead now — almost a TD an a FG now. The Tigers’ bats will be tired for the Indians’ series.

Shots!

No, I am not touching college football. Yet.

Yesterday +290; Season total: +1628

Today’s Pics: Rangers (Lewis) + 140 over Boston
Brewers (Narveson) -130 over Astros
Tigers/WhiteSox over 9.0 for 100
Indians/Royals over 8.5 for 100
Rangers/Red Sox over 9.0 for 100

Just Raul and I tonight — Bobby is at work. What type of man works at the start of a holiday weekend? A patriot! Bobby the Patriot.

Some sick bastard put an empty bottle of vodka in my freezer. High hopes are now crushed. I bet it was the Patriot. Raul and I are going to have to run to Rite Aid. It is wonderful living in a state where you can buy vodka at the drug store.

Just returned from a vodka and food run. Hoagies, chips, and a new flavor of vodka. Could be another epic night. On the way, I nominated Planetary (Go!) as the theme music for our reality show. Raul says My Chemical Romance is club music. I’d like to know what clubs he is going to.

I will probably end Raul’s fantasy season this week. He needs a win to stay in the playoff hunt, but he is playing me, and I am crushing him. Carlos Beltran, on my team, just went yard. Another part of Raul’s soul just died. Because I am a compassionate guy, I laugh at his pain, but will allow one of the TVs to be on the U.S. soccer game (it beats listening to the Giants announcers). Unfortunately, tennis went long, and I was forced to endure those weirdos for a bit, which sent me into a homicidal rage. My neighbors hate me.

Raul is into All State soccer commercials. Thank god he isn’t a blood nephew. Soccer has started, which means it is time for:

Shots!

Raul says I am being mean about his fantasy team, like making fun of a guy in a wheelchair. I told him to get up and walk — he could if he really wanted to.

The Angels are wearing retro jerseys tonight. They are choking away their playoff chances like the Angels of old also.

Baylor looks to be in one hell of a game with TCU. Sigh, I have soccer on one TV, and the Angels on the other. Perhaps I should utilize the remote.

Baylor just scored too quickly. Baylor survived that blunder for what the announcer called a signatiure upset win (Holy Repetition, Batman). Wow, a signature upset win before Labor Day. What is a non-signature upset win?

Peter Bourjos almost made a great catch. Kenny Loftom would have had it.

On one TV, Redlands’ hero Landon Donovan is playing. On the other screen, Redlands’ disappointment Tyler Chatwood has been sent to the showers.

Raul is upset at the U.S. soccer team at halftime. Jingoistic fucker.

How many commercials does Joe Mauer have? They are all bad, as are the ESPN Monday Night Football promos.

White Americans should not say, “Nil” any more than they should say, “Lorry.” If we expand the pitch, nil lorries could pass.

Angels have a mini-rally going, which means a pitching change, which means a Dodge Ram commercial. If Joe Mauer didn’t spend so much time fighting dandruff, he’d drive a Dodge Ram.

Eric Wedge’s Mariners are getting crushed. Maybe he should have taken that Orioles’ job.

Angels’ rally dies, now the Twins have something going. Rodney’s hat is askew. I hope Bobby is swamped at work.

I bet the U.S. soccer team would be much better if Ochocinco and T.O. were on the team. I wouldn’t care, but at least those asshats wouldn’t be on Sportscenter as much.

U.S. is now down ONE to NOTHING. Raul just told me this is a friendly, not a qualifier. Fuck me. I was starting to have emotional investment to a soccer friendly. It is time to take stock of my life.

Shots!

Once our reality show takes off (any day now), and I have enough money to buy the Angels, I am going to put Mike Scoiscia on a diet. Once he loses fifty pounds, I will call him in and say, “You lost fifty pounds, and you are still a fat fuck. You are fired. Turn in your stapler and any other office supplies in your desk.” I will then trade Jered Weaver to the Indians for Jarad Head.

I don’t think Carlos Zambrano will ever have his number retired at Wrigley Field. Of course, none of the other pusbags on the current Cubs will either.

The U.S. soccer team just lost to a third world nation. Landon Donovan turned into Tyler Chatwood.

Shots!