Cleveland mayor Frank Jackson announced a week of mourning for the city following the Indians’ loss on Labor Day and commanded churches to ring their bells for a week as a death knell for the Tribe. “Their deadline acquisition was better than ours today,” said the mayor. “I don’t even like baseball, but my city is sad. Plus, the Browns start action this week, and that is a much higher level of pain. Let the bells ring for innocence lost!”
“Oh, screw Mayor Frank,” said a local priest from Our Lady of the Perpetual Black Eye, who wanted to remain anonymous. “Another fire hydrant blew up downtown, and that shyster wants to grandstand. Hey, Mayor, it is Labor Day, and there are no jobs except for that casino Devil’s work! Ring this, Mayor.”
Tigers’ pitcher Doug Fister struck out thirteen Indians on the to a 4-2 victory. “I am not a strike out pitcher,” said Fister. “I have a career K/9 IP of 5.2, but those guys are really bad. I wish I could pitch against them all the time.”
Manager Manny Acta was not happy after the game. “Look, our best cut of the day, other than the Fukudome homer, was when Asdrubal Cabrera chucked his bat after striking out with the bases loaded,” said a surly Acta. “That guy is really grumpy. He need to get laid. He is hitting .245/.320/.425 since the All Star Break. The carriage has turned into a pumpkin, plus I don’t like his bushy hair. We need a team barber.”
Dead Religions 