Friday Night Drunks (Labor Day Weekend Edition)

Just Raul and I tonight — Bobby is at work. What type of man works at the start of a holiday weekend? A patriot! Bobby the Patriot.

Some sick bastard put an empty bottle of vodka in my freezer. High hopes are now crushed. I bet it was the Patriot. Raul and I are going to have to run to Rite Aid. It is wonderful living in a state where you can buy vodka at the drug store.

Just returned from a vodka and food run. Hoagies, chips, and a new flavor of vodka. Could be another epic night. On the way, I nominated Planetary (Go!) as the theme music for our reality show. Raul says My Chemical Romance is club music. I’d like to know what clubs he is going to.

I will probably end Raul’s fantasy season this week. He needs a win to stay in the playoff hunt, but he is playing me, and I am crushing him. Carlos Beltran, on my team, just went yard. Another part of Raul’s soul just died. Because I am a compassionate guy, I laugh at his pain, but will allow one of the TVs to be on the U.S. soccer game (it beats listening to the Giants announcers). Unfortunately, tennis went long, and I was forced to endure those weirdos for a bit, which sent me into a homicidal rage. My neighbors hate me.

Raul is into All State soccer commercials. Thank god he isn’t a blood nephew. Soccer has started, which means it is time for:


Raul says I am being mean about his fantasy team, like making fun of a guy in a wheelchair. I told him to get up and walk — he could if he really wanted to.

The Angels are wearing retro jerseys tonight. They are choking away their playoff chances like the Angels of old also.

Baylor looks to be in one hell of a game with TCU. Sigh, I have soccer on one TV, and the Angels on the other. Perhaps I should utilize the remote.

Baylor just scored too quickly. Baylor survived that blunder for what the announcer called a signatiure upset win (Holy Repetition, Batman). Wow, a signature upset win before Labor Day. What is a non-signature upset win?

Peter Bourjos almost made a great catch. Kenny Loftom would have had it.

On one TV, Redlands’ hero Landon Donovan is playing. On the other screen, Redlands’ disappointment Tyler Chatwood has been sent to the showers.

Raul is upset at the U.S. soccer team at halftime. Jingoistic fucker.

How many commercials does Joe Mauer have? They are all bad, as are the ESPN Monday Night Football promos.

White Americans should not say, “Nil” any more than they should say, “Lorry.” If we expand the pitch, nil lorries could pass.

Angels have a mini-rally going, which means a pitching change, which means a Dodge Ram commercial. If Joe Mauer didn’t spend so much time fighting dandruff, he’d drive a Dodge Ram.

Eric Wedge’s Mariners are getting crushed. Maybe he should have taken that Orioles’ job.

Angels’ rally dies, now the Twins have something going. Rodney’s hat is askew. I hope Bobby is swamped at work.

I bet the U.S. soccer team would be much better if Ochocinco and T.O. were on the team. I wouldn’t care, but at least those asshats wouldn’t be on Sportscenter as much.

U.S. is now down ONE to NOTHING. Raul just told me this is a friendly, not a qualifier. Fuck me. I was starting to have emotional investment to a soccer friendly. It is time to take stock of my life.


Once our reality show takes off (any day now), and I have enough money to buy the Angels, I am going to put Mike Scoiscia on a diet. Once he loses fifty pounds, I will call him in and say, “You lost fifty pounds, and you are still a fat fuck. You are fired. Turn in your stapler and any other office supplies in your desk.” I will then trade Jered Weaver to the Indians for Jarad Head.

I don’t think Carlos Zambrano will ever have his number retired at Wrigley Field. Of course, none of the other pusbags on the current Cubs will either.

The U.S. soccer team just lost to a third world nation. Landon Donovan turned into Tyler Chatwood.


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