Dead Religions

The Cleveland Indians’ paid attendance increased by 446,000 last year, the largest increase in the majors. Of course, the teams at the top had little room for growth, and the Indians didn’t crack two million in attendance, but the team certainly staved off contraction or relocation — for now.

The Los Angeles Dodgers experienced the largest drop in paid attendance with 627,000. That doesn’t include no-shows, which were extremely high. Good job, McCourt, you asshole.

Here is a table for all teams: http://bizofbaseball.com/FinalMLBAttendance2011.htm

Meanwhile, Tampa couldn’t even sell out their playoff game today, and the team was sent into the cold winter, which might be the last for many of the blue hairs who reside there. The Rays also had a huge decrease in attendance, dropping over 300,000 in paid attendance. The Rays would look good in the Inland Empire — just change the name to the I.E. Foreclosures, put them in Ontario or Rancho, and let the Indian casinos sponsor the team.

Breakfast of Champions today — White Castles, Lucky Charms, and Coors Light. Family is off doing some 5K race; I am here getting busy.

Browns opening drive stalls — imagine that. Defense holds; Browns winning the battle of field position. Long completion for McCoy — kick the FG now so something bad doesn’t happen — like Crbbs trying to run an option. Morons.

Dawson FG; but now Browns no longer have the field position advantage. Tangled tradeoffs like these are what makes the NFL great. Shit, kickoff out of bounds. Your daddy’s Cleveland Browns are in the house.

The Yanks have Burnett at 16.5 million a year for two more years. The Red Sox still have Lackey at 15.25/year for three more years. The White Sox have a whole lot of ugly on the books for a long time.

http://mlbcontracts.blogspot.com/2005/01/chicago-white-sox.html

Chris Johnson gets his first 25 of the 200 yards he will rush for today. Tenneesse knocking on the door. Tennesse not waiting for Grandma to answer — 7-3 Titans. Suddenly the weather man changes his forecast for NE Ohio: pain with a whole lot of misery is back.

Cowboys go for it on fourth and goal. Denied. Take the FG in that situation.

Hardesty driving the Browns. Kick the FG now before something bad happens, like a McCoy fumble. 7-6 Titans.

My brother brought an LA Times this morning. Plaschke’s headline has something to do with Roger Maris’s 61 home run season being largely forgotten. No wonder print media is dead.

80 yrd TD for Titans — to a TE. Improved Browns defense my ass.

McCoy needs nine yards; throwns for five. Browns punt to take command of the battle for field position. Moral victories are needed at this point, as are SHOTS!

False start Browns. You have to love this team for its predictably.

Eric Metcalf just lost his punt return record — another black eye for Cleveland.

Fourth and one, and the Browns go for it. Nice pitch. That might have worked in a high school game, but not in the NFL. What the hell?

Matt Cassell is getting into a shouting match with his coach. I am sure they will resolve things and turn their season around after that frank exchange of emotion.

The replay booth hurts the Browns. 3rd and 21, so Browns throw a pass in their backfield to maintain their dominance in the battle of field position. Nate Washinton erases that. This Browns defense isn’t very good. The Browns cheat and still can’t stop the TD. Hope and Faith just took the last train out of C-Town. Halftime is mercifully here.

You know, if there were a Sonic in town, I would not be dealing with the aftermath of Lucky Charms and White Castle.

Call it a hunch, but I don’t think Marv Albert is enjoying his stay in Cleveland.

Browns defense holds opening drive of the seconf half, setting up the crazy, second half comeback hijinks. Happy Feet McCoy didn’t get the memo at halftime about the comeback. Three and out. David Garrard, where art though? With a bye week coming up, you can learn this basic offense, and perhaps McCoy could be traded for Brady Quinn.

The Volkswagon Elton John commercial is sort of amusing, but I don’t want to buy their cars, nor do I want to put Elton John on my iPod.

Where are the sacks today? 24-6. That all changes now.

Romo makes a costly boo-boo. Cowboy fans should be worried.

The All Pro White Running Back appears to be in someone’s dog house. Meanwhile, his replacement drops a pass. McCoy with the dumbest INT in the history of the NFL. Powell was correct all along. Free Quinn from Denver! Lose the remainder of the schedule to get that Stanford kid. Pettition to play in the bye week to get an additional loss. Better yet, let this team move to Los Angeles and try the expansion thing again.

Vikings are getting crushed. Thankfully, they aren’t on the Browns’ schedule, lest they screw up the Browns’ draft next year.

McCoy TD pass, this time to his own teammate. Browns pick off Hasselback. Could it be happening? Of course not — 3rd and nine and McCoy dumps a swing pass in the backfield that Hardesty drops. Free Hillis!

Comebacks happening across the NFL, but not in Cleveland. Things are so bad in Cleveland that Hassleback’s day is done.

Steelers lose, which is almost as good as the Browns winning. McCoy just went over 300 yards, proving that stats don’t always tell the entire story. Hardesty drops another fucking pass. why is this guy still in the backfield. Did Hillis get caught banging a coach’s wife?

Dalton is bringing the Bengals back. I dropped him as my fantasy backup because I am shrewd like that.

Here come the Lions. No lead is safe when Romo is the QB. Shots!

Did the guy who designed the Anthrax tour merchandise create the Diamondbacks jerseys — “Try to make them look bad ass, but you have to use red!” Sigh, It was a sad day when periwinkle and its derivatives were run out of baseball. Yes, I just went there.

If I hear this “Written In The Stars” every commercial break of the baseball games, the liquor run to the grocery store will result in a homicide spree. The herd does need some thinning, and liquor is my friend.

Carlos Santana accrued more B-Ref WAR (3.9) than Asdrubal Cabrera (3.7). Miquel Cabrera (7.9), Alex Avila (5.4), and Jhonny Peralta (4.4) had more than those two, who led the Indians’ position players.

Tim Belcher quit as the Indians pitching coach so he can finally get on with the business of tracking down Chan Ho Park to finish things. Once he takes care of Park, he is going to find Nicole’s true killer.

There were 199 ejections in Major League Baseball this year — 98 managers, 88 players, and 13 coaches. 101 of those ejections were for arguing balls and strikes. The Rays had the most ejections (14) while the Reds had the least (2). Manny Acta was the last ejection of the season — I guess he was worried about missing his flight to his cruise.

The 2011 Indians’ starting rotation was about as impotent as an old dude in an erectile dysfunction commercial before he popped his boner pill so he could nail his wife when the rain opened up on their barbecue. Popping a pill in hopes of getting lucky later is no way to go through life, just as trotting out a slew of replacement level pitchers to start a game is not a bright way to start a game. However, GM Chris Antonetti gave Manny Acta a handful of Cialis, and said, “Get us to the tubs in the sunset, Big Boy.”

Let’s take a look at the Wins Above Replacement the Indians received for their starters:

B-Ref Wins Above Replacement
Masterson — 4.0
Tomlin — 1.8
Carrasco — 0.5
Gomez — 0.2
White — 0.2
Jimenez — -0.4
Huff — -0.6
Talbot — -0.6
McCallister -0.6
Carmona — -1.5

Total — 3.0

Some of you might be thinking, “Dammit, J.P., not another acronym coupled with a hard on analogy. What the hell do those numbers mean? How about a little context here?”

Well, anything over 6.0 WAR for a season is usually ticket to the CY Young Award discussion. Masterson’s 4.0 WAR doesn’t even put him in the top ten in the AL this year, but it is very solid for a number two pitcher. Tomlin’s 1.8 WAR puts him right with Felipe Paulino and Luke Hochevar of the Royals. As a staff, the Indians starters rated dead last in the AL in WAR.

Here are the playoff teams*:

Rangers — 17.4
Yankees — 17.3
Rays — 15.3
Tigers — 14.0

* some estimations with players who were both reliever and starters

Here are the rest*:

A’s — 18.0
WSox — 15.5
Mariners — 12.8
Angels — 11.2
Red Sox — 10.7
Blue Jays — 10.0
Twins — 7.6
Royals — 4.8
O’s — 4.0

The Indians bullpen combined for 5.0 WAR, which illustrated just how limp dicked the Indians starting rotation was.

Who I want to do well in the baseball post season, and who I think will do well are two different entities. For instance, I want the Tampa Rays to win the World Series, but I don’t think they will get past the Texas Rangers, even though they are up 6-0 as I am writing this. I want the New York Yankees to sweep the Detroit Tigers in such a lopsided affair that Pizza Pizza Boy spends foolishly in the offseason in a vain attempt to chase the past. After all, any team financed by the pizza that welfare people shun is predicated on nothing good. Little Caesar’s is the middle class opiate — for five bucks, you can pick up something hot and bland that will fool your kids into thinking they are actually eating pizza. Fuck Little Caeser’s and fuck the Detroit Tigers. However, I think they will beat the Yankees because Joe Girardi is a rockhead who, instead of managing his team, will be too busy complaining about a perceived miscarriage of justice that robbed NYC of its dignity. Think Davey Johnson in the 1997 ALCS, but with an NYC angle.

I want the Arizona Diamondbacks to go to the World Series because then the Arizona Fall League would be rocking. However, I think that the Milwaukee Brewers will hurt them very bad. I want the Phillies to crush Tony LaRussa’s spleen, and that will probably happen. I would want the Brewers to beat the Phillies, but that starting rotation will send Prince Fielder packing. In the ALCS, I would want the Rangers to hurt the Tigers, and they will.

In a Texas/Phillies World Series, I would want the Rangers to win, but that won’t happen. The Rangers will be humiliated, and the Hot Stove League will start early this year.

Winter came early and with finality for the Red Sox Nation. No longer the beloved underdog, the Red Sox Nation must face the upcoming, brutal winter with the knowledge that the rest of the country is laughing hard at their bloated failure. $164,000,000 makes a large sucking sound as it swirls slowly around a boiling toilet bowl.

While Papelbon was wheezing, and Crawford was candy assing a bleeder, Tampa was waking Homer from the dead, storming back from an eight inning, seven run deficit. Luckily for Crawford, the loss was in Baltimore, otherwise he would have had to borrow Theo Epstein’s gorilla suit to get out of the park.

Dennis Manoloff of the Cleveland Plains Dealer says the Browns and their fans should leave behind the culture of losing. Manoloff grew up in Cleveland, so he should know that is impossible. Is Manoloff going to hang put at the Heavenly Hill Farms this fall and wait for the Great Pumpkin to make an appearance? He will have a long wait because Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia ate the Great Pumpkin halfway through August during a four day food binge that closed four Hometown Buffets and two Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Just before he slipped into an insulin coma, Scioscia yelled, “The Paleo Diet is for pussies!”

There is only one way to leave behind the loser culture of Cleveland: put one foot in front of the other and keep walking to you hit a coast. Unfortunately, you will be conditioned to look back and turn into a pillar of salt.

Speaking of pumpkins and pillars of salt, Jeanmar Gomez turned into both tonight against the Detroit Tigers, giving up eight earned runs in 4.2 IP. The Indians have given up 22 runs in the first two games of this series. The Tigers have scored 101 runs against the Indians this year. With Zach McCallister scheduled to throw tomorrow, that total will certainly increase.

The following big spenders are not making the playoffs:

Mets — $143,000,000
Angels — $142,000,000
Cubs — $134,000,000
White Sox — $128,000,000
Dodgers — $119,000,000
Giants — $118,000,000
Twins — $113,000,000*

* Opening Day Payrolls according to Cot’s

Only the Angels were really close, although the Giants were still sniffing the post season a couple of weeks ago. The Twins could lose 100 games with that type of money spent. On Wednesday, the Red Sox, $164,000,000 could be added to that list while the 42,000,000 Rays could make the playoffs.

These teams spent some cake to get 90 losses:

Orioles — $86,000,000
Mariners — $95,000,000
Astros — $77,000,000

Here are the Opening Day Payrolls for the division winners:

Yankees — $207,000,000
Tigers — $107,000,000
Rangers — $92,000,000

Phillies — $166,000,000
Brewers — $84,000,000
D-Backs — $56,000,000

I think this is the first time the Browns have been in first place after three weeks in my children’s life. Of course, the Browns opponents’ record is a combined 1-7, so perhaps the Browns aren’t true contenders… yet.

Buffalo is a team that knows not to score too quickly — taking a knee on the one yard line to work the clock. Too bad they don’t seem to be able to run out the smoothly run out the clock. Buffalo wins. Amazing. Bill will be grumpy this week.

Lions win. Lions/Browns Superbowl — bring back the tradition. Revel in past glory!

Chargers and Phillips Rivers are off to a dubious start. That isn’t helping Bobby’s hangover.

Sanchez throws an INT in Oakland. He must be smarting from USC’s loss to ASU last night.

The sun is out; kids are swimming. I had to put shorts on — these wild weather swings are killing me. I hope I don’t get any sniffles.

Moneyball grossed about 20 million this weekend. The Lion King 3-D grossed more. Bily Beane’s shit doesn’t work at the box office. However, I bet Moneyball will continue to well because it will become a date movie.

The Ravens are hurting the Rams. That is not helping the Browns playoff chances.

I am strangely fascinated by “Real Steel”, and I don’t know why. Perhaps I need a shot to clear my head.

The Jets are looking stong. Sanchez is putting that USC loss last night behind him.

Cutler trying to mount a comeback. You ain’t no Colt McCoy, Jay.

Billy Idol is on tour. I thought he had died.

McFadden with the big TD run. Why are the Browns so adverse to trying to get guys like him?

I used to think Wes Welker was a Brian Brennan type of receiver (white). Welker is a bit better than Brennan, who wasn’t really that good.

The Snickers’ commercials are funny. The Miller Lite commericals keep getting worse. Perhaps I should organzie of boycott of Miller products on the reality tv show. This blog gets a great deal of search engine hits for “girl in Browns TV commercial.” What type of perv Googles chicks in beer commercials?

These afternoon games are turning into boners, even though some of the scores are close. Cassell TD, the receiver takes off his helmet. The spirit of Dwayne Rudd is alive. Suddenly Booby is puckering, and Raul has hope.

Hope fades quickly and with finality for Raul on a Cassell INT. Poor, poor Raul — that is a wrap for today.

Browns defense holds on Miami’s first drive of the game. Offense gets bad field position.

Colt McCoy pick on a very bad pass. Browns’ playoff chances are in jeopardy.

It’s drizzling here this morning, and the high is only supposed to be 80 degrees. Who says Southern California doesn’t have a change in seasons? It is a good thing I still have sweat pants in my wardrobe.

TD Miami. The Year of The Comeback must continue. I don’t feel it today.

Patriots are knocking on the door, ready to score. Buffalo will go down hard today. On cue, Patriots score on a Brady pass to his TE.

Eli Manning with a TD pass! I think I have him in my brother’s fantasy league. I hope we started him.

McCoy overthrows a wide open Cribbs for a TD. Browns have to punt. Like I said, not feeling it today. Sign David Garrard.

Houston taking it to the Saints early. The over in that game looks like a lock, even though Houston settles for a FG.

Henne hasn’t thrown an incomplete pass yet. Now he does. The worm has turned! Browns recover a fumble. Bush holds onto the ball as well as he holds onto Heismans.

Red Sox are losing (again). what a choke. Too bad the Angels are Rays seem content to embrace the offseason.

Another bad pass from McCoy. Another Browns’ punt. Another Henne completion. Browns sack Henne. Browns leads the AFC in sacks with seven. Missed FG. Browns dodge a bullet.

Browns penalty on first down. Punt now before bad things happen. Another McCoy miss. Watson bails out McCoy — first down. McCoy pulls his head out of his ass and throws a 33 yrd TD pass. Take that, Powell.

Henne misses badly. Browns hold.

Shit, Kenny Britt is hurt. My fantasy season is in jeopardy.

Browns punt. Imagine that. Browns ready to give upa ascore right before half.

Steven Johnson TD — the Bills have life.

Browns hold to a FG — moral victory. Browns get the ball to start second half. Sign and suit up Garrard.

Brady throws an INT. Demigods aren’t supposed to do that.

Monsoon in Carolina. That game is going to be a muddy mess. The refs looks like they are hating life — I feel their pain; this drizzle is making my backyard damp. Hail Mary comes through in the flood for Carolina. Mary is such a saucy wench.

McCoy starts the second half with a first down completion. I guess the Garrard signing didn’t happen. The All Prop White Running Back has strep throat. Kevin Mack would have numbed that with some cocaine to play. They don’t make players like that anymore.

How does the tight end jump off sides? Watson redeems himself, then the Browns go all predictable. Kick the FG now. Drive stalls in the Red Zone. Dawson FG — at lerast the Browns can’t try to sit on the second half lead.

Drew Brees is alive. Houston is going to regret settling for FGs.

Browns’ sack. This isn’t your daddy’s Browns defense. Dumb penalty allows Dolphins to get a first down. This is your your daddy’s Browns defense. Dolphins driving. Bend, don’t break, my ass. A sack inside the ten prevents the TD.

Bills TD — suddenly that game is close.

The bad McCoy is back. Some might say he never left. However, letting the guy hitting him the head was genius. Glad to see the Browns aren’t the only dumbasses on the field today.

Shots! This team drives me to the hard stuff. Sacks don’t do any good when you let the QB rush for the first down on the next play. Miami special teams have more moral fiber than the Browns special teams.

McCoy swatted pass induces Miami timeout. These are the intangibles that don’t show up in the game score, Powell. Pass interference after the timeout, followed by a late hit. Intangibles. That is how you construct the start of a drive. Browns play calling is how you stall one.

Every morning game is now a one score game, and we are watching the shittiest one. So much for the three and out. Taylor is an idiot.

Time for some Colt McCoy magic — the legend starts now. The legend won’t have anythign to do with good clock managment.

Bills tie the Patriots. Who knew?

Little come up huge (get it?). Robiske is still on this team? Why? What s shitty pass on third down by McCoy, but the legend breathes on fourth down. This next series is going very badly. Kick the FG now and go for the onside kick!

First down! Perhaps the onside kick thing was premature. Randy Cross just said this drive reminds him of Brian Sipe. Game over.

Browns just scored too quickly. 43 seconds left, plus a chickenshit celebrating penalty. God hates Cleveland. Onside kick now — they won’t be expecting it!

What is with the Believeland signs? Believe in what? Horse collar penalities? Double digit unemployment? The River Fairly? Jose Mesa?

Fourth down. Browns interception. Easy win. The Victory Formation. Legends are born in October. Victory Shots!