Dead Religions

The Cleveland Browns died in 1995 when Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore. Some would argue that the Browns began dying when Modell forced out Paul Brown, but that is a debate for another day. The travesty that plays in Cleveland on Sundays these days are not the Cleveland Browns; they are frauds who shit their pants on a weekly basis. Laundry is not what defines a franchise; just because the Pants Shitters wear the same uniforms of the Cleveland Browns does not make them Cleveland Browns.

The fact that Browns’ fans still have any sort of emotional committment to this team illustrated how Browns’ fans allowed themselves to be duped. When the Browns left, the city of Cleveland was continuing its decades long crumble, despite the lipstick on a pig treatment downtown was receiving under the guise of urban renewal. Rather than responding to important civil matters, good ol’ Mayor White did his best Mr. Bo Jangels pandering to get the NFL to leave behind the team colors and team records because that is just what a city with a decaying infrastructure and rapidly shrinking job base needs. The price was simple — a new stadium that catered to Corporate America.

Meanwhile, it quickly became evident that the football team that was begat in 1999 to pretend to be the Cleveland Browns was retarded. Because it was an expansion team, Browns’ fans ignored the Mongoloid eyes, insisting that a Return to Spendor was just aorund the corner because by God, karma should dictate that Cleveland should get some love. With each passing season, the Retard grew bigger and uglier, but Browns’ fans thought it was just a stage. Now the Retard is its teen years, and it still shits its pants, but Browns’ fans still embrace it because the idea of not embracing a football fills them with desperation.

Ponder the following, Browns fans:

A) Since the Pants Shitters made the scene in 1999, the most reliable wide receiver they have been able to put on the field was either the midget Kevin Johnson or Dennis Northcutt, the guy who dropped the pass that would have iced the victory in their only playoff appearance. While Cleveland hasn’t had a great wide receiver since Paul Warfield, the Browns were able to put some competent wide receivers on the field. The Pants Shitters have not.

B) The Pants Shitters best running back has been either Reuben Droughns or the shell of former great running back Jamal Lewis. In thirteeen years, the Pants Shitters have only had a running back rush for over 1000 yards four times.

C) That is right — the Pants Shitters have been around thirteen years. The expansion excuse sailed years ago. In thirteen years, Northcutt and Droughns are the best skilled position players the Browns have produced. Only Mark Shapiro’s drafts for the Indians were more impotent than that.

D) D) The Los Angeles Clippers, one of the historically worst teams in sports, have four times as many playoff wins as the Pants Shitters in the same time.

The Pants Shitters are not the Cleveland Browns and should be rejected by fans as frauds. Until that happens, the status quo will not change.

Chris Antonetti’s Genius: The Early Years: Back in 2008, when Chris Antonetti, the man that brought Ubaldo Jimenez and Derek Lowe to Cleveland, was still the Assistant GM, he was given charge of negotiating Carmona’s contract. He responded by giving Carmona the highest amount of guaranteed money ever (at the time) for a pitcher not eligible for arbitration. Carmona was going to be a Super Two guy. One would thing the GM would handle a negotiation of that importance, but Mark Shapiro had more pressing duties, like signing Matt Ginter and Scott Elarton.

Mitch Talbot is Gone, Daddy, Gone. The Tribe removed him from the Forty Man Roster in October. Talbot signed a $300,000 contract with a the Samsung Lions in Korea, meaning no one else in Major League Baseball wanted him either. The Indians didn’t need Talbot because they acquired Lowe for big bucks 9relatively speaking) to get that sort of performance.

The Security Exchange Commission is investigating the Florida Marlins. Imagine that. It appears the Marlins are so dirty that even the SEC is turning their heads.

Jeff Mathis is no longer an Angel as he was traded to the Blue Jays. A parade is scheduled in Anaheim, but Mike Scioscia is vowing revenge.

Classic moment in my marriage last night — the wife and I were out shopping for a new dog house because my dogs apparently destroyed their old one in a rage because I didn’t let them in the garage during the recent rain (my son is still a suspect also). My White German Shepard once munched on the golf cart seat during a storm, so the garage is off limits to those beasts. While at the store, we walked passed the Christmas decorations. As most of you know, I tend to go a little overboard decorating my yard, but this year my wife put her foot down and said that I can’t buy any more items. The boner I pulled at breakfast last weekend didn’t go over too well; I meant to say, “Honey, please pass the syrup” but instead said, “You are a fascist Nazi who hates Christmas.” Upon reflection (I do a great deal of that), she is right — I have stuff I don’t even bother to unpack anymore, so I have not purchased anything to jazz up this year’s display.

However, at the store, we saw an inflatable Santa in an outhouse. My first thought was whoever the sick bastard that thought that up had me in mind. I was gazing lovingly at this new work of art, but my thought were interrupted by a soft whimper from my wife. We made eye contact, and I realized I’d be taking home Santa in The Shitter. “Get it,” she said calmly, but you have to promise me that you won’t have Sponge Bob tipping it over.”

I assured her I had much bigger plans than that. This will be a watershed moment as Santa in the Shitter is a game changer. My first instinct is a minimalist approach—just Santa enjoying a serene squat in the woods with a few deer around. The neighbors and the gawkers would be stunned at the simplicity. However, I just have too many weapons in my arsenal. My second thought was to put Frankenstein in a Ben Roethisbeger jersey and place him under the outhouse because nothing says Christmas like Santa dumping on Pittsburgh.

On my way home from a little golf today, I had a thought of including the golf cart in the Display. Imagine Sponge Bob and Frosty in the golf cart, blitzed on egg nog and caramel vodka shots, bearing down on Santa in the Shitter. Frosty has a nine iron in is fat hands, ready to smack Santa because he and Sponge Bob are tired of Jolly St. Nick stealing their thunder around the Holidays. Imagine Snoopy in the Sopwith Camel swooping down to save Santa with a deadly, precise strafing run that would make the boys at Baseball Prospectus green with envy.

I don’t have the correct song for this yet, nor am I sure this is the best use of the Santa in the Shitter. The local MADD contingent would be pissed, and drunk driving is no laughing matter. I suppose I could lose the booze and just portray Sponge Bob and Frosty as sociopaths.

Sigh, I have so much more planning to do — and a soundtrack to compile.

The worst part about Christmas is the jewelry store commercials. If every kiss begins with “K”, you are doing it wrong.

The Oregon clock management at the end of that debacle was criminal. Why does the Pac 12 insist on hiring stooges as head coaches?

Many would consider football a second rate sport—- a sport that attracts the hillybilly element, especially in the South. The SEC is nothing more than a NASCAR pile up because someone threw a pigskin on the track.

A cynic might say, “Every kiss begins an exchange of money.” Not in the SEC—- sisters wake brothers in the middle of the night with the slip of the tongue.

Tommy Lee Jones is looking plastic these days. I suppose that is better than Tommy Lee of Motley Crue looks like. Speaking of the Crue, what are the odds that guys with rare names like Nikki Sixx, Vince Neil, and Mick Mars would run into Lee to form a band?

If the words “fire” and “love” were not in the English vernacular, would Don Dokken have been able to write any songs?

Clock management often dictates play calling. Numbnuts was too worried about keeping USC on their heels than use a timeout and allow his offense to throw the ball without being on the back of their heels. Because of that, Oregon was playing for a FG instead of a TD, which is not smart when your FG can be constistently outkicked by a yard gnome.

I think Chip Kelly was wearing lip gloss in the post game conference—dollying up himself for Mark May.

None of my sports fantasies ever become realities. For instance, I was hoping that the NFL lockout would result in a canceled season, and God would convince Colt McCoy to join the Marines, then get fragged by his own platoon at Fort Sill.

Browns vs. Jaguars — an epic battle for the ages between two teams going nowhere.

Vikings had it first and two and ran a reverse — for a huge loss. Good to know thw Browns are the only retarded team in the NFL.

Browns on the Red Zone — guess what that mean — the Jags are driving!

The coronation of Joe Flacco as a great NFL QB was premature.

Another quarter without a TD for the Browns. Meanwhile, Gabbard is starting to dissect the Browns. TD Jags. Comeback McCoy is on deck. Fans are booing profusely as a 7-0 lead is insurmountable.

Edit — the booing was because the Jags RB emulated Sir LeBron’s poweder routine. Suddenly, Browns fans have what they desperately crave — a villian to make them forget how lousy the team is.

Week 11 is shaping up to be the week of the turnover.

Colt McCoy’s QB rating so far today is a 66.9, which is very bad, but much better than Phipp’s career average.

Cross country skiing in the activity of the criminally insane.

Browns TD! The long, national nightmare is over. Let’s have a parade. McCoy’s QB rating for the game lept to 90.0 on that drive. The maturation of a rookie always brings tears to my eyes.

The Bills’ season is dying a painful death. Their collapse is so final that Congress should petition giving the city to Canada.

Going into today’s game, the Browns had lost every coin toss this season, more proof that God intensely dislikes Cleveland.

McCoy gets sacked to stall a drive. Browns just took points off the board, then jump offsides on first down. Holding on second down. Kick the FG now. Too late. INT on third down.

Lions are roaring back.

Kellen Winslow Jr. just received an offensive pass interference call for being alive. Finally, the football gods are balancing the ledgers.

Colt McCoy TD pass. Resilency is a key to greatness.

Suddenly, Joe Flacco is alive. Nothing would make me happier than the Bengals losing the rest of their games — well, maybe the Steelers losing the rest of their games.

Dawson just missed a FG — or did he? Officials say yes; Dawson says no. Perhaps the fans can throw some bottles to show their displeasure.

4th and one and the Browns defense jumps offsides to allow the first down and stop the clock. 3rd and ten and pass interference on Hayden. Cleveland PD on riot watch.

Browns win. Andrew Luck will not be coming to Cleveland — nor will Santa Claus or the Job Fairy.

I had a dream in which Rangers signed Prince Fielder, then cloned Fielder multiple times, then traded the clones. The Indians received the retard Michael Keaton version for Drew Pomeranz. I woke up in a cold sweat, then felt relief when I realized Antonetti would never would agree to a trade like that. Relief turned to despair when I realized Ubaldo Jimenez would be on the Indians next year.

Last night was epic at the bar. It will be forever known as “The Great Sundae Adventure.” Li’l Bobby was making derogatory remarks about my sexuality because I suggested we have the Country Club deliver us some banana splits while we were waiting for the undercards to finish. What is the point of living on and being in the club if you can’t take advantage of the little things? Before any of you wisenheimers say, “Ah, two dudes, alone under the stars, sharing a delicious sweet”, we weren’t alone. I had the fight at my house, when the guests left, my wife started firing midgets from cannons. If I impregnated my wife, I am going to name the son Cain Marko.

No Browns game at the bar today. My brother messed up my illegal DTV box, and I can’t very well call to complain. This will probably be a blessing as the Rams/Browns matchup is the worst in the history of football.

Browns’ highlight! A Dawson FG! Four seconds on the Red Zone!

Steelers opening up some whoop ass on the Bengals. The Bengals’ Cinderella story is turning into a pumpkin, and pumpkins rot in Novemeber.

Browns back on Red Zone. Unfortunately, it is the Browns defense on the screen.

Bengals coming back on an awesome TD pass by Dalton. Colt McCoy couldn’t do that, especially since he has receivers who can’t jump. Fouts is rambling about rookies having to learn to play with pain. Hey, Dan, Green got crushed beause his QB left him hanging. Cut him some slack.

The Broncos are refusing to let Tim Tebow pass, meaning my decision to start Eric Decker was mad genius.

Browns back on the Red Zone! INT Browns defense. Playoff hopes are resurgent.

Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders chest shots never grow old. No wonder the terrorists hate us so.

Browns in the red zone. It looks like Seneca Wallace is in! Alas, only as a WR, and the Browns settle for a FG. Why must Wallace be McCoy’s Paul McDonald?

Not having the Browns on is surprisingly refreshing. I should have done this years ago. Browns’s defense is on the Red Zone. Guess what that means? The Browns are flexing their muscle in the race for Luck.

And the Browns respond with a FG because that is just the way they roll.

Marv Albert is having voice spasms. Someone should just put him to sleep.

This Broncos/Chiefs game looks brutal in terms of being boring. A little razzle dazzle with the play action pass from Cassell injects some life into a dead game.

Browns highlight alert: Bradford out, then back in. Shots!

Bengals tie it. Cinderella, that saucy wench, is back.

Colt McCoy was briefly on the Red Zone, but then disappeared. Looks like a punt.

Vodka does cleanse the palette of the taste of peas.

Steelers driving. Cinderella, in her party dress, is looking for a nightgown.

3:52 left in the third quarter, and Tebow completes his first pass.

Poor, poor Buffalo Bills.

Browns back on the Red Zone. Another FG; the Browns lead 12-9. The fans must be going crazy.

Rex Grossman is alive! Well, he was until that pick in the Red Zone.

Andy Dalton is so much better than Colt McCoy. I hope he gets arrested soon — for killing a whore in Newport.

Curtis Painter beneched. How the mighty have fallen.

McCoy getting sacked on the Red Zone. Was it really necessary to show that?

Browns defense almost pick one off, then Cribbs fumbles the punt. Nice. A loss here is very important for the future of the Browns. Browns sack Brafford. What are they thinking? The future is now!

If there is no NBA season, do the Cavs get those draft picks back?

Dalton throws a pick; the cool and collected McCoy drives his team to a go ahead score. But wiat– a bad snap leads to a missed chip shot, so the Browns don’t take the lead after all. Suddenly, the future is saved. They would have scored too quickly anyway. Shots!

I received an email from some long time readers insisting that I write something scathing about Penn State. Okay, it is in Pennsylvania, the Land God Forgot.

Joe Posanski, who is a bit more well known than I and is writing a book about Paterno, says he received a great deal of those type of emails. The Penn State nightmare obviously is a hot topic, and when events like this unfold, people want answers from a Higher Authority, and they often turn to voices they trust for those answers. I am flattered that individuals read me enough to look for me for answers, but I just a clown on the internet.

I don’t really have much to say about the Penn State situation because I don’t really care about the Penn State situation to research what happened to put forth any sort of moral indignation that can be sustained by anything more than flatulence. I would much rather waste my time perusing Jeremy Hermida’s career minor league numbers to see if he is an Andy Marte type cripple hitter, or look at the 1954 Indians’ strength of schedule. Pedophilia in Central Pennsylvania isn’t something that holds my interest, nor do I feel any strong emotions to Penn State football — it just fucking there, man, like garnish on a dinner plate. Sure, reports of child molestation pisses me off, but I have worked in the inner city long enough to realize bad, bad things happen in the world. Why would Happy Valley be immune?

Joe Paterno isn’t a god; he is an old man, and old people don’t make good protectors (something to do with dentures in the Jello). There is no such thing a human football deity, and those who believe in those are naive at best. There comes a point when old people need to step aside, and deifications usually prevent that process until something ends very badly. I don’t care enough about Penn State football to know if Paterno should have stepped down years ago, but this mess in Happy Valley sure suggests that.

Not too many people hit Troy Percival as hard as Jim Thome, who hit three HRs and three doubles in sixteen plate appearances of the Indians’ favorite whipping boy. Thome’s stat line against Percival was a garish .538/625/1.462/2.087

The Pain! It Hurts My Spine!

Sir Albert Belle smacked Troy around also, hitting two HRs (one being the immortal Mothers’ Day 1996 shot) and putting up a 1.518 OPS against him in eights plate appearances.

Other Indians that ravaged Troy:

OPS (HRs)
Ramirez .933 (2)
Peralta 5.000 (1)
Hafner 1.833 (1)
Sexson 1.667 (1)
Branyan 1.667 (1)
Alomar Jr. 1.333 (2)
Vizquel .955 (0)

The Indians hit 14 HRs off Percival, far more than any other team. For his career, Percival yielded a .536 Slugging Average against the Tribe.

Incompetent offenses “dominated” the LSU/Alabama game. That game was like watching two short school buses drag race with the engines on the buses only firing on three cylinders as the mongoloids on the bus played with matches to protest their cotton candy being taken away.

The end of Daylight Savings Time is the one weekend of the year I watch the NFL pregame shows. These guys lick the windows of the drag racing short buses. Accidental lobotomy risk is high watching these shows.

Steve Mariucci looks like he is trying to eat his way through a cocaine addiction. Speaking of cocaine addiction, Michael Irvin hasn’t aged well. He looks like a black Mr. Magoo.

Jimmy Johnson smoked a fish and gave it to his friends. Touching human interest stories like that is what sets Fox Sports apart from the rest.

Cold and rainy today at the bar. Good football weather to complement the upcoming pain. My fantasy season is at a pivotal point, and my team is red lining. I am sure to break things today.

I started Schaub againt the Browns today. He won’t disappoint. Long TD runs from backup running backs will though. 7-0 Texans. Comeback McCoy on deck. This could be the game in which the city of Cleveland finally turns against the Browns.

“Oh Santa! This jewelry means you’ll get some tonight.”

Alex Smith just got crushed. Glad I didn’t start him.

Browns fumble on first play from scrimmage. Hey, same game plan as last week.

Browns have scored the fewest points of any NFL team in the first quarter. How can that be? These are Holgrem’s Browns.

Schaub rushing TD. 14-0 Texans. McCoy has them right where he wants them.

Mark Sanchez throws a pick in the Red Zone. Remember when people thought USC quarterbacks would make good NFL QBs?

Cribbs with the big return, then he yanks a defenders’ fask mask.

Browns go right back to the running game for nothing. Later in the drive they pass on 3rd and one. Incomplete. Dawson with a 50 yrd FG. Moral victory.

Dolphins score a TD. Raul is glum.

Browns’ defense holds. The comeback begins in earnest now.

Julio Jones is back! My fantasy season could be saved.

Third and long, so McCoy throws short of the first down (again).

The Browns defense is going to be on the NFL Red Zone all morning.

21-3 Texans. Suddenly, the Browns’ playoff chances are in serious jeopardy.

Another Sanchez pick.

McCoy holds onto the ball too long, gets sacked, and is slow to get up. Maybe his mommy can his his boo-boo and make it better. Free Seneca Wallace.

Another McCoy incompletion. Why does Baby Jesus hate McCoy?

The dude on the Red Zone just called the Browns’ offense sluggish. Holy Understatement, Batman!

Colt McCoy is overmatched. Browns defense comes up with the pick.

3rd and fifteen and the Browns throw a screen. 4th down. McCoy converts, and there is much celebration in North Royalton. McCoy with the pick right before halftime — followed with a Browns’ personal foul. 24-3 at half. Angry mobs are forming in Painesville. The Perry Nuke plant could be in danger. Halftime Shots!

70 yards total offense for the Browns in the first half, and the first play of the second half is a loss. McCoy hold onto the ball too long on third down and is sacked. Bench his ass, Shurmer.

Foster is going apeshit. This would not be happening if Eric Mangini was coaching.

The Dolphins have a big enough lead that even they cannot blow.

As long as McCoy is in the game, the Browns are never out of the Luck sweepstakes. However, that victory of Seattle could loom large.

THe Bills are starting their second half swoon. Winter is coming to Buffalo.

My brother just almost lit my patio furniture on fire — in the rain. Two chairs now have serious scars.

McCoy sacked on third down before he had a chance to hold onto the ball for too long. Browns kick a FG to make it a three score game. Mr. Chuckles was almost run of town for doing that.

Dawson has 101 yards in combined FGs. I am pretty sure that is more yards than McCoy has passing.

30-6 Titans. Good thing the Browns kicked that FG.

The sun just came out while it is raining. The glare, the glare! I can’t see the rainbow!

TD McCoy to Cribbs. That drive was surgeon like — if the surgeons were drunk penguins. Two point conversion fails. The Red Zone just dismised McCoy’s work of art as a garbage time score, yet another black eye for Cleveland.

Alex Smith than has more fantasy points in my league than Schaub. You know why? Because the Browns’ defense is nails.

Texans show no mercy and convert on 4th and six. That will do it — get the team on the short bus, Shurmer.

1) The Indians traded for Derek Lowe because:

A) 39 year old pitchers who have recently illustrated three years of decline are a good bet to bounce back
B) The Indians infield defense is horrible, so a groundball pitcher will give them the practice they need
C) Since the city is deserted, drag racing is now safe in Cleveland
D) Chris Antonetti, a true idiot, hopped into his little row boat to beat on, boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

2) The Indians exercised Fausto Carmona opition because:

A) 7 million to pay for a near replacement level pitcher is the new market ineffeciency
B) He has to get better; he just has to!
C) He will have Derek Lowe as a mentor
D) Chris Antonetti, a true idiot, hopped into his little row boat to beat on, boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

3) The Indians did not exercise Grady Sizemore’s option because:

A) Larry Dolan finally outgrew his man crush of Grady
B) The Big Hairs in Cleveland now love Jason Kipnis
C) Blind squirrels, broken clocks, etc.
D) Chris Antonetti, a true idiot, hopped into his little row boat, and it mercifully sank.

4) Tony La Russa retired because:

A) Derek Lowe needs someone to ride shot gun while drag racing drunk
B) Albert Pujols wants to be be player manager
C) The guilt of his complicty with steroids was keeping him awake at night
D) when he and Mark McGwire accidentally touched, the honesty was too much

Browns at Niners — over/under of Oz Junx getting tossed from the game — 14:38 in the third quarter.

The weather in SF looks as shitty as the weather here. How much must Californians suffer?

Hardesty running on first down. Here we go again. 40 more of those, and he will have 40 yards rushing.

Browns turnover — that OzJunx under is looking good.

Niners waste a timeout — Browns’ ineptness is a secret weapon.

Nightmare on Elmstreet on Hawaii Five-O. We live in a wonderful country.

Browns down 7-0. I don’t think that was in the game plan. Comeback Mccoy will rise to the occasion.

Cribbs to the 30 on the return. There’s a glean, men.

Crazy Legs McCoy scrambles for the first down.

Almost a McCoy INT. I am so glad I didn’t drive up for that game.

Great punt for the Browns. The battle of field position starts now.

Lost the DTV connection for a bit. I am sure I missed an exciting Browns offense explosion. Sadly, I am disappointed. However, this is the Age of Taking Action! Gore stuffed! Take that, Frank.

Alex Smith is carving up the Browns’ defense. Glad I started him in my fantasy league. Yes, I am fully cognizant that makes me a bad fan. However, the Browns are a bad team, so fuck them. My therapist says this is progress.

17-0 Niners. Seneca Wallace, the Browns kingdom turn its lonely eyes to you. Hell, the Muppets’ drummer might be an improvement over McCoy. Wait, the replays gods deny the touchdown. Browns defense holds! Haurbaugh is an idiot for not kicking the FG. Go shake someone’s hand, Dipshit. And the Niners waste a timeout with a failed challenge. The worm has turned!

Joe Thomas saves the Browns by recovering the Waiver Wire’s fumble.

When I think Artisan pizza, I think Domino’s, just like when I think quality movies, I think the new Footloose.

Now it is 17-0 for reals. The Browns’s secondary is turning Smith into Joe Montana.

Hardesty out. Parade in Cleveland to follow.

Free Wallace!

Dawson FG — Five more of those, and the Browns win 18-17. Shots!

Second half is starting well.

Obannaya for mayor! Frank Jackson should be worried. Well, maybe not. Browns’ punt because of goofy play calling.

A faux fumble briefly raises false hope. However, the Browns defense holds.

McCoy throws an INT into double coverage. Hey, Colt, the Niners wear red jeseys; your team wears white.

Bobby just asked if the Niners clinch the NFC West with a win day. Perhaps, Bobby, perhaps.

Jordan Norwood, where have you been all season? Massaquoi, learn the story of Wally Pipp.

I am convinced that soft hands in the NFL is a sign of a receiver who is a sociopath. Anyone who can ignore tha pain of the incoming hit is not right. My example: Hines Ward — that guy goes home and tortures puppies.

What is Tebow’s QB ranking today? Hint: real bad.

McCoy fumbles for the third time. He has recovered two of them, keeping Wallace on the bench. McCoy sacked hard.

McCoy TD pass. Our long national nightmare is over.

Browns lose. C.C. Sabathia opts out of his Yankee contract and returns to the Indians. Shots!