The Pants Shitters Must Go

The Cleveland Browns died in 1995 when Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore. Some would argue that the Browns began dying when Modell forced out Paul Brown, but that is a debate for another day. The travesty that plays in Cleveland on Sundays these days are not the Cleveland Browns; they are frauds who shit their pants on a weekly basis. Laundry is not what defines a franchise; just because the Pants Shitters wear the same uniforms of the Cleveland Browns does not make them Cleveland Browns.

The fact that Browns’ fans still have any sort of emotional committment to this team illustrated how Browns’ fans allowed themselves to be duped. When the Browns left, the city of Cleveland was continuing its decades long crumble, despite the lipstick on a pig treatment downtown was receiving under the guise of urban renewal. Rather than responding to important civil matters, good ol’ Mayor White did his best Mr. Bo Jangels pandering to get the NFL to leave behind the team colors and team records because that is just what a city with a decaying infrastructure and rapidly shrinking job base needs. The price was simple — a new stadium that catered to Corporate America.

Meanwhile, it quickly became evident that the football team that was begat in 1999 to pretend to be the Cleveland Browns was retarded. Because it was an expansion team, Browns’ fans ignored the Mongoloid eyes, insisting that a Return to Spendor was just aorund the corner because by God, karma should dictate that Cleveland should get some love. With each passing season, the Retard grew bigger and uglier, but Browns’ fans thought it was just a stage. Now the Retard is its teen years, and it still shits its pants, but Browns’ fans still embrace it because the idea of not embracing a football fills them with desperation.

Ponder the following, Browns fans:

A) Since the Pants Shitters made the scene in 1999, the most reliable wide receiver they have been able to put on the field was either the midget Kevin Johnson or Dennis Northcutt, the guy who dropped the pass that would have iced the victory in their only playoff appearance. While Cleveland hasn’t had a great wide receiver since Paul Warfield, the Browns were able to put some competent wide receivers on the field. The Pants Shitters have not.

B) The Pants Shitters best running back has been either Reuben Droughns or the shell of former great running back Jamal Lewis. In thirteeen years, the Pants Shitters have only had a running back rush for over 1000 yards four times.

C) That is right — the Pants Shitters have been around thirteen years. The expansion excuse sailed years ago. In thirteen years, Northcutt and Droughns are the best skilled position players the Browns have produced. Only Mark Shapiro’s drafts for the Indians were more impotent than that.

D) D) The Los Angeles Clippers, one of the historically worst teams in sports, have four times as many playoff wins as the Pants Shitters in the same time.

The Pants Shitters are not the Cleveland Browns and should be rejected by fans as frauds. Until that happens, the status quo will not change.