Dead Religions

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Sorry for the delay in communication. I have been on what is known in certain circles as a vicious bender as the Cactus League wound down while March Madness heated up. Things were so crazy that I made a playlist with the theme from “TheYoung and the Restless” right next to Iron Maiden’s “Flight of Icarus.” Thankfully, the insanity has passed as we are down to single days until the start of the 2019 campaign.

I am pleased to inform you that the Down East Wood Ducks now have a West Coast Backers Association, and I was elected dictator for life of this fine organization by some of my closest peers and that weird guy Eaton who lives down the street who sometimes shows up to my parties. Our first goal is to expand the brand — actually, that is not quite right. Our first goal is to clown each other, then say, “You just got Wood Ducked!” 

We came up with that one on Saturday night about halfway through that bottle of everlasting life some people call “Fireball.” You should pass that little gem along to your PA dude — every time the Wood Ducks stick it to the opposition, he should say that. Very quickly your fan base will be repeating that because to rolls off the tongue so well. Soon, your fan base will have a common identity, all because of your west coast fledging fan base. When I come to Kinston to throw out the first pitch, you can introduce me as the Wood Ducks’ West Coast Backers’ President and inventor of the catch phrase that now defines the Wood Ducks. I am sure the ovation will be deafening.

Anyway, our Backers Association is going to have meetings and everything just like a service club except that giving back to the community nonsense. Charity is our middle name, but sometime we need a break. We figured we would watch Wood Ducks games on MiLBTV.com, but imagine our disappointment when we saw your organization’s home games are not being offered. We will have to watch our Woodies when the play in Zebulon, Myrtle Beach, and Winston-Salem, although we are going to mute that the Dash’s Joe Weil just because we can since Corey Bungo [Vice President, Corporate Sponsorships] never responds to our missives.

BTW, the 66ers are on MiLB.tv. I have been told that my voice often resonates on their broadcasts. Speaking go the 66ers, I wore one of the Wood Ducks’ hats you sent me when I went to finally purchase my season tickets this summer. Steve Wendt, the voice of the 66ers and perhaps the man most knowledgeable of minor league baseball, recognized the logo and tried to drop some shade, saying it was really the High Desert Mavericks, but I reminded him that he no longer had to travel to Adelanto to call those games in that shitty press box, and he backed down. I don’t think GM Joe was too happy about the hat, but he needs me more than I need him.

My Woodies jersey came today, and my wife can’t keep her hands off me when I wear it because I look so hot. Once again, Amanda McCain came though. She even threw in some extra bling. The Wood Ducks’ keychain she sent me is already on my golf cart for when I hot rod down the fairways. I will send your social media people pictures. 

My mole in Fayetteville says they are going to have one hell of a parking problem for their games. Some car dealership a block and a half away from the stadium is charging $700 bucks for the season. Couple that with the $900 dollar season ticket price, and that is a serious financial investment for minor league baseball. There could be riots!

Eight days to Opening Night. Hope the hot dogs are fresh.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear  Amanda [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportsservice]:

How is my favorite employee of Delaware North Sportsservice doing today? Guess what arrived today? My credit card statement is what, and wow, I have been on a tear. That is okay though because the UPS driver brought me a little box from Kinston, North Carolina with my Woodies’ jersey and my Patos Joyuyos cap. I must say, I look absolutely amazing in the Woodies’ jersey, especially since the orange trim matches the Inland Empire 66ers t-shirt I was wearing. Suddenly, my Opening Weekend wardrobe is coming together. Kings and queens will step aside when I march through the concourse of San Manuel Stadium — the hobos, derelicts, and other lesser members of society will get out of the way also.

And those pins you added as a surprise? Thank you so much. You just solved a dilemma I have been grappling with this past week: how can I represent the Wood Ducks at the 66ers’ games next week? I cannot just show up at San Manuel Stadium in San Bernardino, California in full Wood Ducks gear because fan loyalty is something that is taken very seriously in the California League. I might get shanked if I am not representing the home team properly. However, now I can place the Woodies pins and some 66er gear, and both clubs get represented! I can sign autographs for the kids with the Wood Ducks’ marker you sent me because they will all want my signature when they see how good I look on Opening Night. I will have to explain to their parents (again) that I am not a role model, and they will not believe me, but it is a dance of spring. The swallows return to San Juan Capistrano every spring, and the boys and girls of San Bernardino want to grow up and be like Bads85 every Opening Night.

And the Ducks’ keychain? It is already on my golf cart. Just think, because of your generosity, the Wood Ducks logo will be tooling around one of the oldest country clubs in California. Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] should slip you a bonus for the all the marketing he is going to get out of this one. Every time I win a match, I am going to tell my opponent, “You just got Wood Ducked!” If the demographics of Kinston were better, that little saying would sell a great many t-shirts. Alas, it might be just something is said after a knockout in a bar brawl.

I do have some dark news though. You know the Patos Joyuyos hat that you sent me? Well, you sent me a Size 7, and I wear I Size 8. The blunder could very well be mine as a consummate professional like yourself would not likely make this sort of mistake — I ordered the hat while waiting in line for the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland, so perhaps I screwed up. Let’s just blame my needy children who should have been preparing for the SAT that day instead of frolicking around Disneyland. Back in my day, we did not get to go to Disneyland over Spring Break; we have to hike eight miles up hill (both ways) through snow to return Abraham Lincoln’s library books, Anyway, I am going to ship the hat back tomorrow. Could you please just send a Size 8 out when you get it?

Thanks again for helping out with all this — and the pins and other goodies are awesome.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Does Wade carve the turkey at Thanksgiving?

Dear Ms. Sam Fischer [Director of Marketing & Fan Relations; Asheville Tourists]:

I was wondering if you had any Thirsty Thursday shirts that were not online. The minor league season would really start off on the correct note it I had a Thirsty Thursday shirt to wear under my Down East Wood Ducks “Woodies” jersey. You see, even though I am a California League fan because of where I live, I have a strong affinity for Carolina baseball.

About six years ago I had the pleasure of visiting McCormick Field for a Tourists’ game and purchased a “Thirsty Thursday” t-shirt because I am a huge proponent for Thirsty Thursdays in the California League. I can remember when Thirsty Thursdays mean $1.00 pitchers of Coors’ Light in the Beer Gardens of Fiscalini Field in San Bernardino at the San Bernardino Spirit games. Those days are long gone, but since Asheville claimed to be the first city to have Thirsty Thursdays, I purchased a t-shirt to wear with pride at Cal League games, even though that claim is hotly debated across North America.

The shirt never really fit correctly. I mean is a very nice shirt, and I still have it because I could never throw away Thirsty Thursday, but it was too tight in the shoulders and really didn’t flow smoothly over the stomach. I never felt comfortable wearing it. I was hoping to purchase another one today, but I do not see any Thirsty Thursday shirts in your online inventory. This caused a bit of bitter disappointment, but I am used to such things as a lifelong minor league road warrior, so it passed rather quickly.

I am traveling to the Carolinas this summer because Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to throw out a first pitch, which is kind of an esteemed honor, even though my teenage children seem to think it is something to bust my chops about. I also plan on visiting Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and sit in a luxury box with him at the ‘Peckers new stadium while pounding bourbon like real minor league executives do.

Hopefully, Asheville will be a stop on our family roadtrip. McCormick Field and the city of Asheville have fond places in my heart, even though I once dated a girl from there who left me on the side of the interstate in Texas. Live and learn though, right? I will try on any merchandise at your fine stadium before I purchase it though to ensure there is no uncomfortable grabbing.

Thank you for your time in this matter. I know you are busy with the start of the season just around the corner. May the Tourists be blessed with a warm April because a minor league team can never capture lost attendance in the early months.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: I am digging your Moon Mascot. It makes me want to howl.

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I see you have been busy since the last time we conversed.  By my crude calculations, your organization has already sold more tickets for this season than they did for the entire 2018 campaign. That increase is going to look good on a resume soon because upwardly mobile minor league executives do not stay in “A” ball for long as they move to bigger town with brighter lights. More importantly, those climbing the ladder do not need to worry about fan retention after the new stadium attendance dump dissipates.

However, I have noticed that after Opening Weekend there are thousands upon thousands of unsold tickets, so keep that nose to grindstone, my little buckaroo, or you will not be able to give all those five thousand shirts away on Black Ops Night. I sure hope our mutual friend, Nick the Quite Mad, goes that night and snags me a shirt, but he might be heading out to Burlington to star into Bingo the Mascot’s crazed eyes. Nick is very mercurial.

Hey, when is your organization going to release the details for its mascot? I see that your mascot will be part of children’s birthday parties. Since I am a kid at heart, I think I should qualify, and your fresh mascot can perform a torrid lap dance in one of those luxury suites while you and I slam tequila goat bombs like real minor league executives do. No touching though. Mascot abuse is no joke.

I do have some bad news in these exciting times. The ‘Peckers are losing their grip on their popularity out here on the Western Front. That shrewd Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has seduced my compatriots with his kind gestures. I even have a succumbed and purchased a Woodies’ jersey to wear to the SABR Convention in San Diego this June. Nick the Quite Mad will be there too, probably wearing a ‘Peckers’ jersey. Maybe we will wrestle while wearing our jerseys on the beach for eternal possession of our souls. Or maybe we will just sit and the bar and drink.

However, just as the Wood Ducks were about to sway me completely, I received a missive from Amanda McClain, [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportservice] that the Woodies jersey I ordered was no longer available in my size three days after I placed my order. Here we thought the Woodies were this poor little operation stuck out in Kinston, but they have teamed with an international conglomerate. It is like the scene in The Last Jedi when Benicio del Toro’s character shows Finn and Rose that the purported good guys purchase their weapons from corrupt arms dealers also.

To make matters worse, Ms. McClain doesn’t seem to be a fan of my prose, so who knows when this order is going to be straightened out. It is like trying to order that Yoda shirt form the Quad City River Bandits all over again, except Darren Pitra [Director of Merchandising] is not there to fix the mess. I am starting to believe the Carolina League is one hot mess, especially after being exposed to the Winston-Salem Dash’s throbbing membrane they try to pass off as logo.

Still, one truth remains in these confusing times: Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: How do you like your collard greens prepared?

Dear Corey Bungo [Vice President, Corporate Partnerships; Winston-Salem Dash]:

When I was a young child, I dreamed of working diligently in school and growing up to be a dash. Other children did not share my vision, and often made fun of me for this goal, but I have outlived most of them as they have died of unnatural causes. Imagine my excitement when I realized for organization has been rebranded The Dash instead of those odious Warthogs. Dashes are virtuous creatures that are more beautiful than unicorns (and fart much less) while Warthogs are bastard children of unholy coupling of wildebeests and feral swine. Of course the fact that I am just finding out about this now even though the change happened in 2009 reflects rather poorly of your promotion department, almost certainly a result of a top heavy corporate accounts front office. 

Minor league baseball is spreading beyond regional boundaries as the internet and UPS has allowed interstate merchandise sales. Some of your fellow teams in the Carolina League have realized this and have developed exquisite logos that are worn proudly from Southern California country clubs to strip clubs in Montreal. I was trembling with excitement when I discovered the Dash, thinking one of God’s greatest creatures would soon be tattooed to my soul. Little did I know that your team was named after a hyphen, not a real dash. I was quite shocked to see your logo was one of those most phallic images in all of sports. 

There is absolutely no pretense with your team logo — it is a throbbing, elongated cock. From a purple throbbing base to the about to explode, white mushroom head, your organization’s logo is an almost perfect one eyed monster. Even the truncated version looks like an old man’s fatty. 

You might be unaware, but the Fayetteville and Down East clubs are involved with some serious dancing at the phallic altar, poised to embark on Wood Cup this season, but they are not even on the same playing field as the Dash. Your organization’s logo is a magnificent blue balled ramrod, screaming to be gripped in pleasure. I have never quite seen anything quite like it, and I have been a minor league road warrior for over twenty-five years. I was quite apprehensive when I heard your mascot’s name was Bolt, wondering what homoerotic image would be standing on your dugouts, but someone in upper management must have drawn a line in the sand. 

I am a bit surprised your numerous corporate sponsors have no qualms being coupled to such a pork sword, but hey, more power to them. I must raise a toast to you for having an insignia so emboldened. If only the warthog were so virile, it still might be your mascot.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Grip it and rip it!

1. Will your organization be serving drinks with umbrellas in them? While I besmirch no one for enjoying a fruity drink, I have seen first hand the dangers of those umbrellas. I would hate to see a patron lose an eye due to an unfortunate accident, or a fit of rage from one of those 66ers’ fans.
2. What is your policy about members of motorcycle gangs attending your games? As you probably know, the birth place of the Hell’s Angels was just down the road from your stadium. Will my buddy Bad Bart be able to sit with me in my excellent seats, or does he have to sit down the foul line with the common criminals? Bad Bart is sort of my bodyguard, so it is imperative he sits by me, especially when the heathens from The Dino make their unfortunate appearances.
3. Strippers. Yes or No? While everyone enjoys a good lap dance, those are just a short hop from people doing lines of cocaine off other people’s ass cheeks in the restrooms.
4. Will your security staff be armed? If so, will they be allowed to use hollow tipped bullets to drop the bad guys in their tracks? Will there be snipers in strategic locations?
5. I see that one of your employees attended Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. Are you sure it is safe to have her on payroll? That place is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy this side of Mos Eisley Spaceport. I should know since I graduated from there.
6. Have you ever thought of building a moat around the parking lot? Of course, the moat would be unless without crocodiles, and I am not sure if environmentalist would go for that, but I still think you should investigate the matter.
7. Has you staff been properly trained in what to do if large groups start using bobbleheads as projectile weapons?
8. Belt buckles. I was recently informed by a security guard at the Cactus League that the wrong type of belt buckle can be a vicious weapon. Personally, I think I was being racially profiled by this mad with power, minimum wage doofus with bad teeth, but we can never be too careful.
9. Do your concession stands serve items with whipped cream? What measures are being taken so your employees aren’t getting high off the nitrous oxide in the canisters? 
10. What happens if those replica jerseys you sell have itchy tags?

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Today is the Ticket Pickup Party! Can you feel the butterflies? Do you have a tingling sensation in your extremities? I am not ashamed today I felt a stirring when I awoke, and I was reaching across the bed to my wife, I was blindsided by creative genius.

You need to take the Wood to the enemy. By using social media, your organization can get your brand name out while building a cohesive fan base around a phallic rally point. Before every away series, we bombard the opposing team with “The Woodies are coming! The Woodies are coming!” We can even give DEWD a Paul Revere hat in this simple, but brilliant homage to the Revolutionary War. Your fan base will desperately want to join the Woodies Revolution. You might even be able to sell Paul Revere hats with the DEWD logo on them.

Once the Woodies Revolution gains momentum, your organization rolls out the targeted merchandising. “Grip the Wood!”, the new battle cry of the future Woodies Republic, can be plastered on various colors of t-shirts (properly presented online with mannequins) for the regular foot soldiers. If your organization follows my advice about the nursing home recruitment, “This Grandpa Has Wood” will be a top seller, along with “This Grandma Can Still Grip the Wood!” We can put “Remember Your First Woodie?” on the infant and toddler gear. Are you hearing those cash registers ring?

Wade, you might be thinking, “Bads, Bads, Bads – the poverty rate in Kinston is over thirty percent, and the median income is just $31,000 while the median home value is $104,000. People are not going to buy a great deal of merchandise, which is why we did not put much effort into our online sales presentation to begin with. Plus, this is a basketball town.” You know what, Wade, you are right, which is why we have to create a sense of need like those guys on Madmen used to do before the show was cancelled.

The first step to creating a need is to create a community that people desire to be a part of. To do that, there needs to be a place for people to hang out. Grainger Stadium does not offer much of that with the exception of Mother Earth Pavilion, but many people do not like to have with those craft beer snobs, as evidenced by the highly successful, Bud Light “Dilly! Dilly” campaign (hey, what do you think ever happened to those girls in the Spuds McKenzie commercials?).

There appears to be a quad area just outside on of your gates that would be a great meeting place for fans from the fifth inning on. I know you are thinking, “But then the fans that can’t see the game!” Well, yeah, that is sort of the point. By the fifth inning, most minor league fans are tired of watching baseball. They need a break. This allows them to stretch their legs, mingle, and share ORAL TRADITION. Put a hot dog cart and umbrella with a beer stand out there, and you have a social gathering place. Call it Woodies Commons, and you have an identity. Once you have an identity, well, you have a need, and the merchandise sales start booming.

I know this is some heady stiff and will probably take even a great minor league baseball minds like yourself some time to grip (see what I did there?). That is okay because the springboard possibilities to your Woodies Revolution and Commons are practically endless. Enjoy the Ticket Pickup Party today, and worry about the revolution tomorrow when I share the counterespionage campaign we will wage on social media.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Those Spuds McKenzie girls could be grandmothers now. Do they still grip the Wood?

Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:

As a new season ticket holder, I am inquiring if extra security measures will be implanted at Quakes’ games when the Inland Empire 66ers come to town. I am sure you are aware that their fan base is comprised of vicious savages with rumored cannibalistic tendencies. They want to burn LoanMart Field to the ground because they have never truly recovered from their original team leaving San Bernardino for the fair meadows of Rancho Cucamonga, plus they abhor corporate sponsorship because their city lacks any sort of industrial base.

There are many reports of a caravan of low riders will be following the 66ers’ team bus down the freeway on May 7th, packed to the brim with weapons and explosives as they look to inflict great physical damage to the loyal Quakes’ fan base. These miscreants fancy themselves Lone Bikers of the Apocalypse, but the only thing they have in common with Leonard Smalls is they befoul even the sweetest desert breeze that whips across their brow, and their penchant for hurting helpless and gentle creatures.

I ask you, Mr. Riddle, what does your organization plan on doing to thwart this invasion? These beasts have monikers like Bacon Hag and Bongwater. They play their Ronnie James Dio way too loud, and their playlists are a horrendous mash of 70’s AOR war horses and 80’s hair metal.  Some even have “Nirvana Must Die” tattoos, residues of their rejection of the 90’s lifestyle. Can you stop this? Rancho Cucamonga does not even have a real police force; just San Bernardino County Deputy Sheriffs hot rodding around town in RCPD cars when they are not giving parking tickets at the mall. 

I suggest a promotion in which the loyal fan base is allowed to bring fire arms to the park to rightfully protect themselves. You could call it Second Amendment Militia Night as we lay down suppressing fire than will send those criminals back to the gutters of San Bernardino where they belong — or straight to Hell! After our victory, we can head to Lucille’s Barbecue and pretend the city has a modicum of culture, a culture we protected with our home arsenals. Maybe we can got out for some ice cream afterwards.

I implore you to be on the correct side of history, Mr. Riddle. Perhaps you seek to obtain some air support also. We can never be too careful to protect ourselves against the San Bernardino threat. Make no mistake; they want our women. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Any new concession items on the menu this year?

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I hope your presentation at East Carolina University went well today. I am sure there was not a dry eye in the house if you shared any narratives about Bads85’s rather inspiring success story. While you were in Greenville doing your speaking engagement, my nose was to the grindstone, sorting through Wood Ducks’ box scores, compelling attendance data for the 2017-18 seasons. You see I am not just another charismatic, pretty face; I am a guy who can roll up his sleeves and flex my intellect muscle to analyze data to determine patterns (I don not really roll up my sleeves; that is a metaphor. I wear polos).

Let’s start with the positives. Despite playing in antiquated stadium in a city with the highest poverty rate in the Carolina League, the Wood Ducks never had a game with a paid attendance less than 1,025 in 2018, indicating a somewhat solid season ticket base. Considering Kinston has the lowest median home prices and the third highest violent crime rate of the Carolina League, this somewhat established season ticket base represents solid progress in the last two seasons.

Before I get to the negatives, let me say your organization’s concession food presentation on Twitter is exquisite, light years ahead of that merchandise presentation. Excellent work. Those chicken and waffles look amazing, and I cannot wait to sample them with you when I visit Historic Grangier Stadium. I hope we can sit in the duck blind in the bullpen while we devour these treats. I have a holiday inflatable of Santa and Frosty in a duck blind, and I assure you, it is the talk of the neighborhood during the shopping season.

Let me also assure you I do not think I know as much as your organization as you do — you are the boots on the ground, the guy who is there day after day, even when a hurricane floods the town (that is an awesome story). I am just crunching some numbers here, thinking aloud. You almost certainly are aware of these numbers because you are Wade Fucking Powell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]. I am hoping by sharing the information, you can answer some questions.

The Wood Ducks’ highest attended game in 2018 was July 3rd with 3,441 in paid attendance, despite having a stadium capacity of 4,100+ (the Wood Ducks drew 4,267 in their inaugural game in 2017. Did your organization reduce seating capacity in 2018?

Here is your monthly attendance averages:

April (1,9330; 10 dates)

May (1,660; 17 dates)

June (1,975; 11 dates)

July (1,875;12 dates)

August/Sept (1,631)

Yes, I realize the weekend/weekday games do not match up (plus you lost two Saturday games to inclement weather in May), but I am not even an unofficial assistant for your organization, so those numbers are close enough for this discussion. As you know, most minor league attendance lines increase from April to where the peak in mid July, then drop as the August doldrums set in. How much of that May dip was weather related? The August Blues nipped at you harder than a puppy who chewed his way into some sniffing glue, but the number that jumped out at me was that you only drew 2000+ six times after the July 3rd game (twenty-five total games). Again, how much do you think the weather affected those numbers? 

That is enough data analysis for now. Let’s talk possible promotions. I see the median age of Kinston is 44.2, which is very scary. That means a great deal of old people on fixed incomes, and those cheap bastards do not attend games. I would suggest hitting up every nursing home in town for some EXCURSIONS. Sell them special cheap tickets because senior citizens live for discounts, especially ones they think they earned by growing old. Hell, send your team bus to pick up the residents because it is not doing anything that night anyway. Give them some sack dinners filled with Jell-o! and other soft stuff, and they will not clog your concessions lines. Just do not give then any Viagra because they will try to procreate like teenagers on Grad Night. Young people should not have to see Grandma slipping her nursing home crush the tongue.

Anyway, tomorrow is the big Ticket Pick Up Party. Sleep will be hard to come any tonight. While I cannot physically be there, I am sure you will feel my presence in spirit.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Is Leonard Smalls the greatest fictional bounty hunter of all time?

Dear Wade Howell Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I am not sure I made it home “sound”, so safe will have to suffice. You should drop my story on those ECU sports marketing students you are speaking to this week — tell them what the road in the minors does to young bodies and spirits. Tell them the weak end up working for Budweiser instead of a sports team, and the strong are few. Tell them every once in a while you run into a guy who get that gets it though — a guy like Bads85. And tell them they do not have to wear a tie to the ballpark like some chump finance major does to the office, except for ribbon cutting ceremonies.

It seems rather early in this month for a ticket pickup party, but I suppose I better send Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] a check before I get left off the invite list (again). Last year, the 66ers had no alcohol sales at the Ticket Pickup Breakfast because a high school baseball tournament was about to start at San Manuel Stadium, but the prepared season ticket holders like Whiskey Jack and I had flasks. Bourbon and muffins. Yum! How many season tickets do you guys sell? The 66ers would feel a great deal more if GM Joe Hudson only implanted my suggestions like 50 cent drafts for the season ticket holders. 

It warms my heart that you guys are going to try to do better with your merchandise presentation. I feel like I have helped the Wood Ducks experience personal growth, just as I did the last five days at the Cactus League. Perhaps I was too harsh because I am betting you do not have a large team store in your stadium — nope, I was not. The was some slop, but let us no longer belabor that point. Forward into into the stadium arc lights we walk together, fearing not the dark night!

Hey, I noticed you have a luxury box problem at Grainger Stadium, as in you have no luxury boxes. Well, I cannot help you with that one other than to suggest you make some hobo boxes along the foul pole lines with cardboard shipping containers to shame the city into building some beyond left field atop of that large white structure. Put some old Lazy Boys in there and offer some wait service, and boom! Luxury in Kinston. 

I have many other ideas about maximizing stadium space at Historic Grainger Field, but I am hitting the Cactus League wall right now, so those will have to wait, but does your organization’s liquor license extend beyond the stadium gates?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: If you ever see me in an “I Heart” anything t-shirt, shoot me. Something has gone wrong with my life, and it will be a mercy killing.