I Try to Reconnect With Austin

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I see you have been busy since the last time we conversed.  By my crude calculations, your organization has already sold more tickets for this season than they did for the entire 2018 campaign. That increase is going to look good on a resume soon because upwardly mobile minor league executives do not stay in “A” ball for long as they move to bigger town with brighter lights. More importantly, those climbing the ladder do not need to worry about fan retention after the new stadium attendance dump dissipates.

However, I have noticed that after Opening Weekend there are thousands upon thousands of unsold tickets, so keep that nose to grindstone, my little buckaroo, or you will not be able to give all those five thousand shirts away on Black Ops Night. I sure hope our mutual friend, Nick the Quite Mad, goes that night and snags me a shirt, but he might be heading out to Burlington to star into Bingo the Mascot’s crazed eyes. Nick is very mercurial.

Hey, when is your organization going to release the details for its mascot? I see that your mascot will be part of children’s birthday parties. Since I am a kid at heart, I think I should qualify, and your fresh mascot can perform a torrid lap dance in one of those luxury suites while you and I slam tequila goat bombs like real minor league executives do. No touching though. Mascot abuse is no joke.

I do have some bad news in these exciting times. The ‘Peckers are losing their grip on their popularity out here on the Western Front. That shrewd Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has seduced my compatriots with his kind gestures. I even have a succumbed and purchased a Woodies’ jersey to wear to the SABR Convention in San Diego this June. Nick the Quite Mad will be there too, probably wearing a ‘Peckers’ jersey. Maybe we will wrestle while wearing our jerseys on the beach for eternal possession of our souls. Or maybe we will just sit and the bar and drink.

However, just as the Wood Ducks were about to sway me completely, I received a missive from Amanda McClain, [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportservice] that the Woodies jersey I ordered was no longer available in my size three days after I placed my order. Here we thought the Woodies were this poor little operation stuck out in Kinston, but they have teamed with an international conglomerate. It is like the scene in The Last Jedi when Benicio del Toro’s character shows Finn and Rose that the purported good guys purchase their weapons from corrupt arms dealers also.

To make matters worse, Ms. McClain doesn’t seem to be a fan of my prose, so who knows when this order is going to be straightened out. It is like trying to order that Yoda shirt form the Quad City River Bandits all over again, except Darren Pitra [Director of Merchandising] is not there to fix the mess. I am starting to believe the Carolina League is one hot mess, especially after being exposed to the Winston-Salem Dash’s throbbing membrane they try to pass off as logo.

Still, one truth remains in these confusing times: Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!

Your friend in baseball,


PS: How do you like your collard greens prepared?

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