Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
Sorry for the delay in communication. I have been on what is known in certain circles as a vicious bender as the Cactus League wound down while March Madness heated up. Things were so crazy that I made a playlist with the theme from “TheYoung and the Restless” right next to Iron Maiden’s “Flight of Icarus.” Thankfully, the insanity has passed as we are down to single days until the start of the 2019 campaign.
I am pleased to inform you that the Down East Wood Ducks now have a West Coast Backers Association, and I was elected dictator for life of this fine organization by some of my closest peers and that weird guy Eaton who lives down the street who sometimes shows up to my parties. Our first goal is to expand the brand — actually, that is not quite right. Our first goal is to clown each other, then say, “You just got Wood Ducked!”
We came up with that one on Saturday night about halfway through that bottle of everlasting life some people call “Fireball.” You should pass that little gem along to your PA dude — every time the Wood Ducks stick it to the opposition, he should say that. Very quickly your fan base will be repeating that because to rolls off the tongue so well. Soon, your fan base will have a common identity, all because of your west coast fledging fan base. When I come to Kinston to throw out the first pitch, you can introduce me as the Wood Ducks’ West Coast Backers’ President and inventor of the catch phrase that now defines the Wood Ducks. I am sure the ovation will be deafening.
Anyway, our Backers Association is going to have meetings and everything just like a service club except that giving back to the community nonsense. Charity is our middle name, but sometime we need a break. We figured we would watch Wood Ducks games on MiLBTV.com, but imagine our disappointment when we saw your organization’s home games are not being offered. We will have to watch our Woodies when the play in Zebulon, Myrtle Beach, and Winston-Salem, although we are going to mute that the Dash’s Joe Weil just because we can since Corey Bungo [Vice President, Corporate Sponsorships] never responds to our missives.
BTW, the 66ers are on MiLB.tv. I have been told that my voice often resonates on their broadcasts. Speaking go the 66ers, I wore one of the Wood Ducks’ hats you sent me when I went to finally purchase my season tickets this summer. Steve Wendt, the voice of the 66ers and perhaps the man most knowledgeable of minor league baseball, recognized the logo and tried to drop some shade, saying it was really the High Desert Mavericks, but I reminded him that he no longer had to travel to Adelanto to call those games in that shitty press box, and he backed down. I don’t think GM Joe was too happy about the hat, but he needs me more than I need him.
My Woodies jersey came today, and my wife can’t keep her hands off me when I wear it because I look so hot. Once again, Amanda McCain came though. She even threw in some extra bling. The Wood Ducks’ keychain she sent me is already on my golf cart for when I hot rod down the fairways. I will send your social media people pictures.
My mole in Fayetteville says they are going to have one hell of a parking problem for their games. Some car dealership a block and a half away from the stadium is charging $700 bucks for the season. Couple that with the $900 dollar season ticket price, and that is a serious financial investment for minor league baseball. There could be riots!
Eight days to Opening Night. Hope the hot dogs are fresh.
Your friend in baseball,