Dear Wade Howell Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
I am not sure I made it home “sound”, so safe will have to suffice. You should drop my story on those ECU sports marketing students you are speaking to this week — tell them what the road in the minors does to young bodies and spirits. Tell them the weak end up working for Budweiser instead of a sports team, and the strong are few. Tell them every once in a while you run into a guy who get that gets it though — a guy like Bads85. And tell them they do not have to wear a tie to the ballpark like some chump finance major does to the office, except for ribbon cutting ceremonies.
It seems rather early in this month for a ticket pickup party, but I suppose I better send Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers] a check before I get left off the invite list (again). Last year, the 66ers had no alcohol sales at the Ticket Pickup Breakfast because a high school baseball tournament was about to start at San Manuel Stadium, but the prepared season ticket holders like Whiskey Jack and I had flasks. Bourbon and muffins. Yum! How many season tickets do you guys sell? The 66ers would feel a great deal more if GM Joe Hudson only implanted my suggestions like 50 cent drafts for the season ticket holders.
It warms my heart that you guys are going to try to do better with your merchandise presentation. I feel like I have helped the Wood Ducks experience personal growth, just as I did the last five days at the Cactus League. Perhaps I was too harsh because I am betting you do not have a large team store in your stadium — nope, I was not. The was some slop, but let us no longer belabor that point. Forward into into the stadium arc lights we walk together, fearing not the dark night!
Hey, I noticed you have a luxury box problem at Grainger Stadium, as in you have no luxury boxes. Well, I cannot help you with that one other than to suggest you make some hobo boxes along the foul pole lines with cardboard shipping containers to shame the city into building some beyond left field atop of that large white structure. Put some old Lazy Boys in there and offer some wait service, and boom! Luxury in Kinston.
I have many other ideas about maximizing stadium space at Historic Grainger Field, but I am hitting the Cactus League wall right now, so those will have to wait, but does your organization’s liquor license extend beyond the stadium gates?
Your friend in baseball,
PS: If you ever see me in an “I Heart” anything t-shirt, shoot me. Something has gone wrong with my life, and it will be a mercy killing.