Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:
I understand that you are a very busy man, which is why you almost certainly did not respond to my security inquiries in these troubled times, but I am confident you have matters in hand because of the eternal optimist in me. As a new season ticket holder, I do have some other questions that I hope you can find the time to answer for me, or at least direct me to someone on your elite staff that can.
- Will your organization be serving drinks with umbrellas in them? While I besmirch no one for enjoying a fruity drink, I have seen first hand the dangers of those umbrellas. I would hate to see a patron lose an eye due to an unfortunate accident, or a fit of rage from one of those 66ers’ fans.
- What is your policy about members of motorcycle gangs attending your games? As you probably know, the birth place of the Hell’s Angels was just down the road from your stadium. Will my buddy Bad Bart be able to sit with me in my excellent seats, or does he have to sit down the foul line with the common criminals? Bad Bart is sort of my bodyguard, so it is imperative he sits by me, especially when the heathens from The Dino make their unfortunate appearances.
- Strippers. Yes or No? While everyone enjoys a good lap dance, those are just a short hop from people doing lines of cocaine off other people’s ass cheeks in the restrooms.
- Will your security staff be armed? If so, will they be allowed to use hollow tipped bullets to drop the bad guys in their tracks? Will there be snipers in strategic locations?
- I see that one of your employees attended Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. Are you sure it is safe to have her on payroll? That place is the most wretched hive of scum and villainy this side of Mos Eisley Spaceport. I should know since I graduated from there.
- Have you ever thought of building a moat around the parking lot? Of course, the moat would be unless without crocodiles, and I am not sure if environmentalist would go for that, but I still think you should investigate the matter.
- Has you staff been properly trained in what to do if large groups start using bobbleheads as projectile weapons?
- Belt buckles. I was recently informed by a security guard at the Cactus League that the wrong type of belt buckle can be a vicious weapon. Personally, I think I was being racially profiled by this mad with power, minimum wage doofus with bad teeth, but we can never be too careful.
- Do your concession stands serve items with whipped cream? What measures are being taken so your employees aren’t getting high off the nitrous oxide in the canisters?
- What happens if those replica jerseys you sell have itchy tags?
Thank you for your time in these matters. I am sure you will agree that a safe LoanMart Field is the best type of LoanMart Field. Remember, proper fan behavior is no accident.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Does the VIP parking come with golf cart service?