Dear Amanda [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportsservice]:
How is my favorite employee of Delaware North Sportsservice doing today? Guess what arrived today? My credit card statement is what, and wow, I have been on a tear. That is okay though because the UPS driver brought me a little box from Kinston, North Carolina with my Woodies’ jersey and my Patos Joyuyos cap. I must say, I look absolutely amazing in the Woodies’ jersey, especially since the orange trim matches the Inland Empire 66ers t-shirt I was wearing. Suddenly, my Opening Weekend wardrobe is coming together. Kings and queens will step aside when I march through the concourse of San Manuel Stadium — the hobos, derelicts, and other lesser members of society will get out of the way also.
And those pins you added as a surprise? Thank you so much. You just solved a dilemma I have been grappling with this past week: how can I represent the Wood Ducks at the 66ers’ games next week? I cannot just show up at San Manuel Stadium in San Bernardino, California in full Wood Ducks gear because fan loyalty is something that is taken very seriously in the California League. I might get shanked if I am not representing the home team properly. However, now I can place the Woodies pins and some 66er gear, and both clubs get represented! I can sign autographs for the kids with the Wood Ducks’ marker you sent me because they will all want my signature when they see how good I look on Opening Night. I will have to explain to their parents (again) that I am not a role model, and they will not believe me, but it is a dance of spring. The swallows return to San Juan Capistrano every spring, and the boys and girls of San Bernardino want to grow up and be like Bads85 every Opening Night.
And the Ducks’ keychain? It is already on my golf cart. Just think, because of your generosity, the Wood Ducks logo will be tooling around one of the oldest country clubs in California. Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] should slip you a bonus for the all the marketing he is going to get out of this one. Every time I win a match, I am going to tell my opponent, “You just got Wood Ducked!” If the demographics of Kinston were better, that little saying would sell a great many t-shirts. Alas, it might be just something is said after a knockout in a bar brawl.
I do have some dark news though. You know the Patos Joyuyos hat that you sent me? Well, you sent me a Size 7, and I wear I Size 8. The blunder could very well be mine as a consummate professional like yourself would not likely make this sort of mistake — I ordered the hat while waiting in line for the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland, so perhaps I screwed up. Let’s just blame my needy children who should have been preparing for the SAT that day instead of frolicking around Disneyland. Back in my day, we did not get to go to Disneyland over Spring Break; we have to hike eight miles up hill (both ways) through snow to return Abraham Lincoln’s library books, Anyway, I am going to ship the hat back tomorrow. Could you please just send a Size 8 out when you get it?
Thanks again for helping out with all this — and the pins and other goodies are awesome.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Does Wade carve the turkey at Thanksgiving?