Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager; Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:
As a new season ticket holder, I am inquiring if extra security measures will be implanted at Quakes’ games when the Inland Empire 66ers come to town. I am sure you are aware that their fan base is comprised of vicious savages with rumored cannibalistic tendencies. They want to burn LoanMart Field to the ground because they have never truly recovered from their original team leaving San Bernardino for the fair meadows of Rancho Cucamonga, plus they abhor corporate sponsorship because their city lacks any sort of industrial base.
There are many reports of a caravan of low riders will be following the 66ers’ team bus down the freeway on May 7th, packed to the brim with weapons and explosives as they look to inflict great physical damage to the loyal Quakes’ fan base. These miscreants fancy themselves Lone Bikers of the Apocalypse, but the only thing they have in common with Leonard Smalls is they befoul even the sweetest desert breeze that whips across their brow, and their penchant for hurting helpless and gentle creatures.
I ask you, Mr. Riddle, what does your organization plan on doing to thwart this invasion? These beasts have monikers like Bacon Hag and Bongwater. They play their Ronnie James Dio way too loud, and their playlists are a horrendous mash of 70’s AOR war horses and 80’s hair metal. Some even have “Nirvana Must Die” tattoos, residues of their rejection of the 90’s lifestyle. Can you stop this? Rancho Cucamonga does not even have a real police force; just San Bernardino County Deputy Sheriffs hot rodding around town in RCPD cars when they are not giving parking tickets at the mall.
I suggest a promotion in which the loyal fan base is allowed to bring fire arms to the park to rightfully protect themselves. You could call it Second Amendment Militia Night as we lay down suppressing fire than will send those criminals back to the gutters of San Bernardino where they belong — or straight to Hell! After our victory, we can head to Lucille’s Barbecue and pretend the city has a modicum of culture, a culture we protected with our home arsenals. Maybe we can got out for some ice cream afterwards.
I implore you to be on the correct side of history, Mr. Riddle. Perhaps you seek to obtain some air support also. We can never be too careful to protect ourselves against the San Bernardino threat. Make no mistake; they want our women.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Any new concession items on the menu this year?