Dead Religions

Dear Jerry Mac [Yellow Crayons Graphic Designs Shop; Fayetteville, NC]:

Good day, Sir! It has been a while since we have exchanged missives. Unbeknownst to you, I was in Yellow Crayons in Fayetteville on July 12th. You were not in the shop when I asked for you, but I bought five shirts, most of them of the “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirts. I told your business associate that I was the guy who came up with the slogan that is now heard around the world, and he looked at me like I was stark raving mad, so I did not pursue much conversation with him. 

Perhaps July 12th was your day off. Perhaps you were having a long lunch. I did wonder if perhaps you went for a ride, just never came back, and was living in the basement of a lobster pound in Bar Harbor, Maine, answering to no one other than the breeze gently ruffling your hair. I also wondered if you were in the Fayetteville jail after getting in an old fashioned throw down in the Tap House over the poor service you received there. Alas, we were two ships passing in the night, but have no fear, I developed strong feelings for Fayetteville and plan on returning soon.

As for the shirts, they are awesome, and your company should complement itself on a job well done. The Woodpeckers’ management was unofficially very pleased with the design and execution because deep down they are outlaws trapped in a corporate facade. Now that I have returned to Southern California from my extensive travels, I can assure you the shirts are a smash hit our here, and probably will be all my friends and family’s Christmas list. There ain’t no Santa Claus, but there is Fed Ex. 

I will let you go because I just upgraded my iPhone, so now I have to r-sign into all my apps to turn my life to what it was this afternoon. Sometimes this is a hard life; but I have broad shoulders and will move forward because there is no going back — unless you leave your keys on the bar. Thanks again for everything.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Sometimes I think of Tweeter. Sometimes I think of Jan. Sometimes I think of nothing but the 30-50 feral hogs running through my yard.

Dear Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing & Communications; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Hello from your favorite minor league minor league ambassador! It has been a while since my party was asked to leave the Aevex Veterans’ Club at your fine Segra Stadium, and I hope all is well with the ‘Peckers’ crew. I assume you guys have straightened that one crooked TV in the club because you guys are sticklers for details, and nothing says rookies with a new stadium than a crooked TV in the luxury suite. You will not fin any crooked TVs in the splendid bar the Wood Ducks have down in Kinston because Wade Howell [Vice President] runs a tight ship. Did you know he has sold out his outfield wall signage at Historic Grainger Stadium? 

I have finally returned to California after many miles on the road, and I must say I appreciate the warm welcome your organization presented to my family and friends. I am writing you instead of Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales and Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] because upon meeting the two of you, he seems like the numbers guy while you are the Big Idea type, plus you talked to me much longer than he did.

With only eighteen home games left in the season, your organization has reached the last meaning marketing stretch of the season. While the inaugural season of Segra Stadium has been a smashing success, August is the month that is the cornerstone for ticket sales for the 2020 campaign. A happy August customer is a returning April customer, and a potential future season ticket holder. I am not sure if they teach that type of stuff in sports marketing classes these days, but you do learn the nuggets of wisdom while you are on the road.

Because I feel we bonded with our conversation in the concourse of Segra Stadium (and because my son took a very healthy dump in your front office bathroom), I will give you a little marketing idea for August free of charge because I am a giver. Since the season is coming rapidly to an end, your organization needs to push a LAST CHANCE campaign. Once September arrives, those who have not made it to the stadium will be forever denied entrance to the Inaugural Season because those only happen once in the lifetime of a stadium. Fear of being left out is a powerful marketing tool. Remind the masses that the end is near, and they best get to the park, or they will have to walk through this life with the bitter knowledge that they did not attend the inaugural season. Memes are a perfect way to convey this message because they are like gentle pinpricks on the soul. 

I would get the Big Brass to approve some discounts for next year with an August ticket stub, say 2% off new season tickets plans. Maybe promise a free ticket for next season on Monday-Wednesday nights with an August ticket stub. This gets people to the park both this year and next year with a very small priming of the pump. I bet Mark Zarther [President; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] will be impressed, which means a larger holiday bonus for you. 

I need to get going because it is Thirsty Thursday, and I have been away from my peeps at San Manuel Stadium too long. I see your Star Wars Night is Friday, so let’s raise our glasses to toast that Han shot first!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: LAST CHANCE! Two syllables, infinite returns.

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I have returned from my 11,000 mile road trip to various ballparks throughout North America. Imagine my disappointment when I realized today was an off day in the California League. I have not been to a game at San Manuel Stadium since June 25th, and now I must wait another day because of the cruelness of the schedule makers. I would like to assume the beer prices have been lowered in my absence, but I am no longer the innocent child I once was. I do see that there is a Simba Simmons Bobblehead giveaway this Saturday because nothing says minor league baseball than a forced coupling between corporate Hollywood and a major league shortstop.

Speaking of beer prices, I bet you did not know the Down East Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights for their Thirsty Thursday. I think the 66ers should do that on Monday nights because no one comes to the games on that night anyway, except a couple of weirdo with dogs. Your organization can call it “Morose Monday” and play The Cure all night long. Maybe offer free parking like many clubs do through the land. Let me tell you a little secret about San Bernardino, George. No one has ever became rich off parking fees in this town. No one. This is not Boston, which I did travel through on the way to New Hampshire for a Fisher Cats’ game. 

Hey, did you know that every hobo in Boston is a veteran? Or at least they claim to be as they sit on the street to panhandle when they are not wrestling for turf with the Fake Monk Mafia. Everyone embraces “Wicked Smart” in that town, but I am not sure if they really understand smart. Their silly sarcasm is no match for the Dino Dozens. Their wounded puppy expressions were a highlight of the trip. Later, I offered praise, and their spirits lifted, but I know they will be forever filled with a nagging doubt about their superiority. They might have Fenway Park, but the minor league flame has never burned inside of them, and because of that, they are weak, both morally and physically. The history there is all fake, propagandized claptrap! Massacres my ass. 

While in New England, I did tell al the Dunkin Donuts employees that their corporate headquarters were trying to obtain the naming rights for San Manuel Stadium, and I was an unofficial spokesman for San Manuel Stadium, and they should give me donuts. Things were proceeding swimmingly until I suggest to one dude behind the deep fryer that his company could learn a great deal about making donuts from the Vietnamese. Apparently, they are not open to constructive criticism there because HOLY SHIT SHOW. Even the homeless vet outside the store had something to say about al this.

But I digress. I know that GM Joe Hudson does not like it when I talk about sagging attendance numbers, but I did notice the 66ers have dropped to third in attendance in the California League and are down 7.4% in attendance from 2018 with the August doldrums rapidly approaching. I am not even sure if dueling taco trucks can save the season now, so perhaps it is best to look forward to 2020. Remember, preparation and planning are 58.73% of the battle. 

Speaking of planning, what is up with an Eric Karros Bobblehad Night? The dude played four games for the San Bernardino Stampede in a rehab assignment twenty-one years ago. Is he coming to the game? Can we wait in line to touch that magnificent hair he has? Maybe GM Joe can fill in if Eric cannot make it.

Anyway, I will be at the stadium tomorrow. I hope I recognize it after all the changes while I was gone.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President, Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Much has transpired since I spent $212.00 after the generous 30% minor league executive discount in the Woodies’ team store when I visited Historic Grainger Stadium earlier this month. Those carefree and innocent days are long gone, but I know you are a busy man planning for an upcoming home playoff game, so at this time, I will not share my road exploits concerning luxury suites, parking Nazis, and front office follies throughout our minor league landscape. I was on the road for 11,000 miles, Wade, and the Woodies were on my mind much of that time. After one game at Historic Grainger Stadium and all this miles, I do believe I am qualified to offer a professional critique of your organization.

As shared with you upon my visit, I was a bit apprehensive driving to Kinston, thinking maybe I was headed to the ultimate hick stop on the minor league circuit. Those trepidations were quickly put to sleep like suffering horses at Santa Anita Racetrack as I found a very pleasant minor league experience in Kinston. Let’s start with ten positives of the baseball experience your organization offers:

1. Your friendly staff. As you well know, I have been around the block a few times, and I can say with great confidence that the Woodies’ staff was by far from top to bottom, the warmest staff my family encountered on this road trip. I am not just talking how I was treated because sometimes kind of big deals like me receive preferential treatment from staff. I observed your staff serve everyone in a very welcoming fashion. Almost certainly this is a reflection of yourself.
2. The brick of your stadium. Contractors would pay a pretty penny for classic brick that pops like that. Grainger Stadium has an established feel like many new stadiums do now (cough, cough, Fayetteville).
3. The landscaping and cleanliness in and around your park. Unlike that merchandise presentation over the winter that eventually brought us together, the landscaping is crisp and delightful. 
4. Mother Earth Pavilion. Bars/social areas are all the rage these days throughout minor league baseball, largely in part because of my suggestions over the years. Mother Earth’s is spacious and personal, not like the large cookie cutter corporate bars that dot minor league parks now.
5. Concessions. Well beyond standard ballpark fare without too many gimmicks. 
6. Signage that appears to be maximized. Not only does this represent revenues, but a business commitment from the local community. Many teams I visited would commit violent acts against the fellow men to have partnerships like this.
7. Fans who actually enjoy being at the game. The first six things on this list certainly contribute to this, but you would not believe how many fans I have seen across the land that really do not enjoy being at the park (most certainly an ugly truth about group sales).
8. Ample variety of merchandise in team store. See my receipt for proof. Your organization has much more variety than the Woodpeckers with their fancy, large team store.
9. Free parking. Nothing is better than free, well, except for the Indy 500.
10. Fan friendly promotions that appeal to the fans, not corporate sponsors.

Yes, there are some negatives, all related to the structure, and those can only be remedied with serious capital expenditures from the Mothership, and even then, just how many fans will a new scoreboard and sound system get through the gates (which should open thirty minutes after the box office opens BTW)? Kinston is not moving closer to freeway access anytime soon. 

I do not see what you could do more to significantly increase your baseball fan attendance. You have created a small, but excellent atmosphere for baseball fans in the local area to enjoy the sport, and for that you should be proud. Until the demographics of the city change, Kinston is what it is, and that change can only be brought about by forces much larger than you. 

I would get rid of the bleachers in left field though, as It is the year 2019, and nothing screams RINKY DINK OPERATION like aluminum bleachers. Those seats really are not being used anyway. Even if you just put pop ups covering teams merchandise out there, the stadium would have a nicer flow. Perhaps you could make a Carolina/Negro League Legends area out there and put some plaques on the wall to get some press. Maybe even put a statue put there and have the mayor take his picture next to it. Perhaps a statue of Bads85, minor league baseball’s greatest ambassador.

I do have a suggestion to raise attendance that is not baseball fan related. It might threaten you current baseball ecosystem, but I think not. Turn Mother Earth Pavilion into a club like atmosphere by playing music. Those in the bar cannot hear the sound system anyway, so make the bar area a social gathering place. Each night is a genre night — Monday 50’s Do Whop stuff and raid the nursing homes with promises of early bird specials. Tuesdays are Disco Nights. Wednesdays are Hip Hop. Friday is Rock and Roll. Saturday is pop while Sunday is alternative. This really requires no expenditures other than having an underling make playlists and putting the idea on social media. If it bombs, so what? If it works, it might get you 500 extra a game. FYI, I make killer playlists. As you well know, I am a many of many talents.

I need to wrap this up as I have other, not so nice letters to write to clubs I visited. Thanks again for your wonderful hospitality. Next time I visit your park, I will bring a crew.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I assume there is no video of my first pitch. If there is, please delete it immediately.

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales and Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers], Ben Hughes [Manager, Marketing and Communications], and Elizabeth Adams {Account Executive, Ticketing}:

I would like to sincerely thank all three of you for taking the time to greatly enhance my family’s fan experience at the Woodpecker’s game on Wednesday this week. As you know, the nature of the business has me traveling to many parks throughout the land, and your park was one of our most pleasurable visits.

I knew our visit to Segra Stadium was going to be a pleasurable experience right after I saw Mark Zarther [President, Fayetteville Woodpeckers] greeting people at the front gate after they were lovingly patted down at the security checkpoint. Mr. Zarther is much taller than he comes across in press pictures, but more importantly, he conveys a sense of warmth that fans can immediately sense. He exerts a presence that is almost as impressive as Joe Hudson’s {General Manager of the Inland Empire 66ers]. Almost.

There are many other fine things about your stadium, including your magnificent outfield bar, Healey’s. However, since I have been to an entire eight innings at your stadium, I am more than qualified to discuss possible improvement because as you know, my mission is to improve fan experience all over the minor league baseball landscape. Here are my suggestions:

1. Lower beer prices. Yes, I say that everywhere, but beer is too expensive across the land. Did you know that in Bavaria, beer is cheaper than soda and water? I know this because I was there recently.
2. Ceiling fans in the concourse. North Carolina is extremely hot in the summer. Get that air circulating before we all swelter and die.
3. The area between third base and the left field foul pole is bare ass naked and gives the stadium an unfinished feel. Put some temporary banners over there to fill the space before you can commission statues (I give your organization to use a likeness of me). And put in some taco trucks – everyone loves those.
4. Offer VIP Bloggers luxury box access if they travel over 2000 miles to visit your stadium.

Other than that, keep doing what you are doing. Your scoreboard is crisp and contains pertinent stats and player bios. Your staff is great. I cannot wait to see you guys again tonight.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

It has been a while, my friend, but I have been trotting across the globe, spreading the glory of the Wood Ducks. If you have been following for organization’s Twitter account, you have seen DEWD under the Eiffel Tower, in front of the Mona Lisa, on the Swiss Alps, in Munich’s oldest biergarten, in Vienna’s finest palaces, and at the Society of American Baseball Research convention in San Diego. Tonight I leave for Kinston, NC to throw out that first pitch later in the month. Can you feel the butterflies?

I saw on Facebook that you were awarded the Paul Harris Award because like me, you are a giver. Normally I poke fun at the Rotarians because I am involved in different service groups, but they do good work in their own way. I bet you did not know I have been kicked out of the Optimist Club twice. They believe in the glass being half full, but I believe in having a glass in each hand at all times. Still, they love me even though I do not actively participate in the activities because I am too busy giving elsewhere.

I will keep you updated from the road – right now these baseball writers demand my attention because of my magnetic personality. Sean Forman of Baseball Reference.com is sitting next to me, and he wants to bask in my aura.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Tomorrow I begin my travels your way to the illustrious Segra Stadium. As you almost certainly know because we are now Facebook friends, I have spent much of this month traveling throughout Europe, spreading joy, goodwill, and the gospels of minor league baseball to uninitiated citizens of the Old World. For the first time, the banks of the Seine have heard, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”

The French would say to me, ““Monsieur Bads85, you are not like a tourist. You are a traveler.” I would reply, “More like an ambassador, Pepe. SHOTS!” They would say, “Monsieur Bads85, you are man of many intricacies and talents, but I do not understand this Woodpecker thing, Why would a powerful sports team name itself after a little bird?” My response was always, “Well, Pepe, I have a story for you, a story about the ‘Peckers!”

Oh how they loved my stories, and they became an inspiration for the common man’s struggle for freedom. I was not a conqueror; I was a liberator. Their country has been under the yolk of tyrannical taxi cab drivers for far too long. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” became the rallying cry of every French person entering a crosswalk. When I left France for Switzerland, the tide was turning. I am sure the struggle continues, but those yearning to escape oppression now wield the ‘Pecker.

Remember, July 12^th I will walk from through the gates of Segra Stadium for the first time. I bet you are as excited as I am, probably even more. Hey, I have not heard from your front office about throwing out the first pitch, even I have done an outstanding job of marketing your brand both domestically and internationally. I am not looking for compensation as this is simply a labor of love, but throwing out the first pitch in different parks across the land allows the legend of Bads85 to grow. So maybe you could employ immense influence to make this happen.

Just so you know, I will be bringing about ten people to the game that night (they would be really impressed if I threw out the first pitch). I know it will be a big attendance night since in it is a Throwback Night, and your luxury boxes might be full at this time. We can always ditch the group and slam some shots in you office if the luxury box thing cannot happen.

Gotta run for now. Talk to you from the road.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I been writing you this missive as a big ass airplane flew to Europe. I did not get a chance to send you that letter because Air France had no wi-fi on their flight because they are corporate barbarians doomed to live forever in the past as they are owned by Delta I will have to you know that I wore the only 66ers shirt with a collar that I own to look official as I passed through customs when we landed.  Being an international minor league ambassador is an important responsibility, and one doesn’t want to look like a slob in Paris. You can probably get away with that sloppy shit in London because the Brits are notorious slobs with horrible teeth, but in Gay Paree, one should look his best. Let me tell you this, George, these French stewardesses were digging the IE on my left breast. “IE, Oui, Oui,” they said softly say as they passed.

I have been thinking about how to make El Cucuy a much better experience for the fans. Right now, your organization is sitting on an absolute gold mine, but no one is really making an effort to strike the mother lode. Fans want the El Cucy to do SOMETHING, but it rarely makes an appearance. That is no way to market a potential cult hero that will sell truckloads of merchandise. People want to believe, George, but your organization needs to give them a show. Luckily for you, choreography is Bads85’s middle name

Imagine this: the gate in CF opening before the game as sexy music blares over the stadium sound system. Out comes the 66ers Dance Team, all dressed in black Catwoman outfits, doing their little family friendly, but still sultry routine. Leading them is none other than El Cucuy. The crowd sits transfixed as the troupe makes its way towards infield, Slick and Bernie stand near third base, and suddenly El Cucuy breaks towards Slick, jumps onto his back, and bites his neck. Slick crumbles, and is now destined to die 1000 deaths every homestand. Bernie escapes into the dugout, and the dance troupe and El Cucuy head towards home plate as El Cucuy hisses at some little kids and grandmothers. The troupe finishes its routine, and the crowd goes wild.

That is just the start of the night. Then the terror begins. The best part about this is that you get to be El Cucuy. I know you have many other responsibilities, but do you really want to launch hot dogs i na mustard costume the rest of your tenure with the 66ers? Think of this as a resume’ builder, plus you will soon be the most popular figure in the Inland Empire, well besides me, of course.

I am back in the States and will be at San Manuel Stadium this Tuesday with a bunch of degenerate baseball writers. Many of these savages are part of my Cactus League crowd and leave a trail of destruction forever in their wake. I am sort of their leader because as you well know, many people look to me for guidance and direction in their lives. I have evaluated them from scallywags to baseball royalty over the years, and hopefully we will be seated in a luxury box as a result. If not, hide the women and children and protect the small, furry creatures as the Lone Biker of the Apocalypse draws near.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I still have never received my 2019 California All Star Game polo shirt. 

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

The attendance spike this weekend has been quite spectacular, and while GM Joe Hudson is going to correctly point to the fair weather as a factor, I think we all know the real reason is the front office’s dedication to excel at their jobs, especially you. I sure hope the Elmore Sports Mafia gives you guys the raises you rightfully deserve. I really thought I was going to win the Mega Millions tonight and be able to purchase the team award you those raises, but the baseball gods deemed it was not time yet. The first thing I would do is promote Mr. Hudson to Vice President of the club — actually, that would be the second thing I do. The first would be to get me one of those 2019 California All Star Game solo shirts that I covet.

So 5,892 was the paid attendance for Friday night’s game, by far the largest crowd of the season for the 66ers, and the largest crowd so far this season in all of the Cal League. The 4,003 on Saturday and the 3,203 on Thursday were very solid draws also. The 66ers outdrew the Storm by over 4,000 tickets on Friday and Saturday nights combined. Most importantly, the stadium handled the crowds very well. Arrests appeared to be at a minimum, and nobody shat on the floor in the men’s restrooms. The concession lines were a bit overwhelmed on Friday, but barring massive stadium renovations that the city of San Bernardino will not pay for, that really cannot be helped except in small fashions.

The average fan likes to blame the employees working the concession stands for the delays, but one of the biggest reasons for delays is the dumbass fans themselves. It would be horrible for business to round these people up and send them to education camps so they can efficiently order food, so I would suggest dumbing it down for them. For example, on Fifty Cent Friday, have a hot dog only like in both baseline concessions. Set up an additional condiment stand and families can get their hot dogs in an express like fashion, and those foodies who want pretzels, carne asada fries or nachos can stand in the longer lines. Maybe have a soda/beer only line also so people who want the basic staples can get in and out, clearing the way for others.

If you want to get really bold, set up premium hot dog carts on the sidewalk behind the right field pavilion and put a clever name on it like “Hot Dog Row” and grill up fresh gourmet dogs wrapped in bacon and slathered in peppers and onions — maybe some sauerkraut for the freaks. Be sure to use celery salt for that mystery kick. Most important, get some quality brown mustard, say like Bertman’s Original Stadium Mustard, which is served to kings, queens, emperors, dictators, and US Congressmen. 

George, we need to have the personal hygiene talk. Bernie’s costume needs to go the dry cleaners the next road trip. That matted fur would even make hobos walk on the other side of the street. I know the Razored Edge is Bernie’s schtick, but Skid Row is not fashionable. True outlaws bathe frequently. Stinkers do not.

I am on my way to Europe. I will be in touch from across the pond and keep you posted about my international ambassadorship duties. I have some big ideas, George, BIG.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85