Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
In your last missive, you implied the gates at Grainger Stadium do not open to 6 PM on game day. Surely that is just for the peasants, correct? I bet the gates open for the season ticket holders at 5:30, and after all we have been through, I think I qualify as an honorary season ticket holder. I suppose it does not really matter anyway because I plan on entering the stadium through the front office around 5 PM because it sounds like you need some help with that big corporate event you have happening. After all, I make it rain money with the corporations — except for Big Pharma because those guys are twits. Plus, we need to have a shot in bullpen duck blinds before the corporate guys make the scene.
Look, I know you guys do things differently in the Carolina League, but Big Corporate should get more than a table — that is what the non-profits get. Big Corporate gets at least a dais. Maybe we can use some Echo Power Tools to build one tomorrow because if this is anything like the mannequin fiasco last spring, you do not have a quality dais on your premises. I hope you have some easy-up for some shade for Big Corporate also — and nice table cloths.
Is Big Corporate a drinking group? Because it is a much easier to schmooze drinkers. Non drinkers tend to demand finger food and turn their noses up at pigs in a blanket. Are these guys still going to be on the field when I throw out the first pitch? Because if you want, I could nail one Bull Durham style for shits and giggles so the crowd will go wild. Protective netting only works if one is on in the stands! If you do not think it would be a good idea to hit Big Corporate, perhaps I should just nail DEWD so the video will go viral.
Right before I left on this roadtrip, the 66ers arranged for one of my baseball writer friends to throwout the first pitch (they also gave us a luxury box for the night because I am kind of a big deal), and my buddy threw a perfect strike from the mound, and it kind of went viral in out social circles, so now everyone is expecting video of my toss. I need to impress to keep my street cred intact.
Anyway, it is late, and I need to get some sleep because tomorrow is a big day. I hope yo uhave plenty of cahsiers working in the team shop tomorrow because I plan on purchasing a suit case full of Woodies’ bling.
Your friend in baseball.