Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
The attendance spike this weekend has been quite spectacular, and while GM Joe Hudson is going to correctly point to the fair weather as a factor, I think we all know the real reason is the front office’s dedication to excel at their jobs, especially you. I sure hope the Elmore Sports Mafia gives you guys the raises you rightfully deserve. I really thought I was going to win the Mega Millions tonight and be able to purchase the team award you those raises, but the baseball gods deemed it was not time yet. The first thing I would do is promote Mr. Hudson to Vice President of the club — actually, that would be the second thing I do. The first would be to get me one of those 2019 California All Star Game solo shirts that I covet.
So 5,892 was the paid attendance for Friday night’s game, by far the largest crowd of the season for the 66ers, and the largest crowd so far this season in all of the Cal League. The 4,003 on Saturday and the 3,203 on Thursday were very solid draws also. The 66ers outdrew the Storm by over 4,000 tickets on Friday and Saturday nights combined. Most importantly, the stadium handled the crowds very well. Arrests appeared to be at a minimum, and nobody shat on the floor in the men’s restrooms. The concession lines were a bit overwhelmed on Friday, but barring massive stadium renovations that the city of San Bernardino will not pay for, that really cannot be helped except in small fashions.
The average fan likes to blame the employees working the concession stands for the delays, but one of the biggest reasons for delays is the dumbass fans themselves. It would be horrible for business to round these people up and send them to education camps so they can efficiently order food, so I would suggest dumbing it down for them. For example, on Fifty Cent Friday, have a hot dog only like in both baseline concessions. Set up an additional condiment stand and families can get their hot dogs in an express like fashion, and those foodies who want pretzels, carne asada fries or nachos can stand in the longer lines. Maybe have a soda/beer only line also so people who want the basic staples can get in and out, clearing the way for others.
If you want to get really bold, set up premium hot dog carts on the sidewalk behind the right field pavilion and put a clever name on it like “Hot Dog Row” and grill up fresh gourmet dogs wrapped in bacon and slathered in peppers and onions — maybe some sauerkraut for the freaks. Be sure to use celery salt for that mystery kick. Most important, get some quality brown mustard, say like Bertman’s Original Stadium Mustard, which is served to kings, queens, emperors, dictators, and US Congressmen.
George, we need to have the personal hygiene talk. Bernie’s costume needs to go the dry cleaners the next road trip. That matted fur would even make hobos walk on the other side of the street. I know the Razored Edge is Bernie’s schtick, but Skid Row is not fashionable. True outlaws bathe frequently. Stinkers do not.
I am on my way to Europe. I will be in touch from across the pond and keep you posted about my international ambassadorship duties. I have some big ideas, George, BIG.
Your friend in baseball,