Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I have returned from my 11,000 mile road trip to various ballparks throughout North America. Imagine my disappointment when I realized today was an off day in the California League. I have not been to a game at San Manuel Stadium since June 25th, and now I must wait another day because of the cruelness of the schedule makers. I would like to assume the beer prices have been lowered in my absence, but I am no longer the innocent child I once was. I do see that there is a Simba Simmons Bobblehead giveaway this Saturday because nothing says minor league baseball than a forced coupling between corporate Hollywood and a major league shortstop.
Speaking of beer prices, I bet you did not know the Down East Ducks offer $1.00 Natty Lights for their Thirsty Thursday. I think the 66ers should do that on Monday nights because no one comes to the games on that night anyway, except a couple of weirdo with dogs. Your organization can call it “Morose Monday” and play The Cure all night long. Maybe offer free parking like many clubs do through the land. Let me tell you a little secret about San Bernardino, George. No one has ever became rich off parking fees in this town. No one. This is not Boston, which I did travel through on the way to New Hampshire for a Fisher Cats’ game.
Hey, did you know that every hobo in Boston is a veteran? Or at least they claim to be as they sit on the street to panhandle when they are not wrestling for turf with the Fake Monk Mafia. Everyone embraces “Wicked Smart” in that town, but I am not sure if they really understand smart. Their silly sarcasm is no match for the Dino Dozens. Their wounded puppy expressions were a highlight of the trip. Later, I offered praise, and their spirits lifted, but I know they will be forever filled with a nagging doubt about their superiority. They might have Fenway Park, but the minor league flame has never burned inside of them, and because of that, they are weak, both morally and physically. The history there is all fake, propagandized claptrap! Massacres my ass.
While in New England, I did tell al the Dunkin Donuts employees that their corporate headquarters were trying to obtain the naming rights for San Manuel Stadium, and I was an unofficial spokesman for San Manuel Stadium, and they should give me donuts. Things were proceeding swimmingly until I suggest to one dude behind the deep fryer that his company could learn a great deal about making donuts from the Vietnamese. Apparently, they are not open to constructive criticism there because HOLY SHIT SHOW. Even the homeless vet outside the store had something to say about al this.
But I digress. I know that GM Joe Hudson does not like it when I talk about sagging attendance numbers, but I did notice the 66ers have dropped to third in attendance in the California League and are down 7.4% in attendance from 2018 with the August doldrums rapidly approaching. I am not even sure if dueling taco trucks can save the season now, so perhaps it is best to look forward to 2020. Remember, preparation and planning are 58.73% of the battle.
Speaking of planning, what is up with an Eric Karros Bobblehad Night? The dude played four games for the San Bernardino Stampede in a rehab assignment twenty-one years ago. Is he coming to the game? Can we wait in line to touch that magnificent hair he has? Maybe GM Joe can fill in if Eric cannot make it.
Anyway, I will be at the stadium tomorrow. I hope I recognize it after all the changes while I was gone.
Your friend in baseball,