Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
Tomorrow I begin my travels your way to the illustrious Segra Stadium. As you almost certainly know because we are now Facebook friends, I have spent much of this month traveling throughout Europe, spreading joy, goodwill, and the gospels of minor league baseball to uninitiated citizens of the Old World. For the first time, the banks of the Seine have heard, “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”
The French would say to me, ““Monsieur Bads85, you are not like a tourist. You are a traveler.” I would reply, “More like an ambassador, Pepe. SHOTS!” They would say, “Monsieur Bads85, you are man of many intricacies and talents, but I do not understand this Woodpecker thing, Why would a powerful sports team name itself after a little bird?” My response was always, “Well, Pepe, I have a story for you, a story about the ‘Peckers!”
Oh how they loved my stories, and they became an inspiration for the common man’s struggle for freedom. I was not a conqueror; I was a liberator. Their country has been under the yolk of tyrannical taxi cab drivers for far too long. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” became the rallying cry of every French person entering a crosswalk. When I left France for Switzerland, the tide was turning. I am sure the struggle continues, but those yearning to escape oppression now wield the ‘Pecker.
Remember, July 12th I will walk from through the gates of Segra Stadium for the first time. I bet you are as excited as I am, probably even more. Hey, I have not heard from your front office about throwing out the first pitch, even I have done an outstanding job of marketing your brand both domestically and internationally. I am not looking for compensation as this is simply a labor of love, but throwing out the first pitch in different parks across the land allows the legend of Bads85 to grow. So maybe you could employ immense influence to make this happen.
Just so you know, I will be bringing about ten people to the game that night (they would be really impressed if I threw out the first pitch). I know it will be a big attendance night since in it is a Throwback Night, and your luxury boxes might be full at this time. We can always ditch the group and slam some shots in you office if the luxury box thing cannot happen.
Gotta run for now. Talk to you from the road.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
Dead Religions 