Dead Religions

Local Cleveland politics must be rubbing off on Indians’ manager Manny Acta because his vernacular now sounds as if he is running for office. When asked about the Indians’ upcoming oversaturated schedule, Acta unleashed this golden quote (I can’t even make up something like this), “This is our job. We work, at the max, eight months a year. The guy that works in a factory has to go in every single day, including Christmas. This is what guys train for in the off-season and spring training.”

Putting aside factories and Cleveland no longer have a blessed bond, Acta is referring to guys like this:

Yeah, Ironman there looks like a well oiled, labor machine — a paragon of Modern Labor. If Modern Labor can punch the clock every day, then those poor, spoiled ballplayers can certainly play eighteen games in sixteen days to finish the season. If Modern Labor can lift its chins from its morning bowl of pasta to make it to the line, then the spoiled Indians should be able to come up with some clutch hits when the chips are down. If Modern Labor can work on Christmas (getting triple time), then those softie ballplayers can at least do their share to ease the burden of living in the post-industrial world by reaching deep down to bring home a championship. Modern Labor has the proper Will To Win; why don’t the ballplayers?

Acta just royally pissed off the Baseball Gods and the Water Nymph of Lake Erie with this sappy nonsense — mark the calendar, this is the day the 2011 Indians died. The weather forecast for the next six weeks in Northeast Ohio is pain, lots of it. The Tribe’s loss last night against the Tigers, coupled with the Browns’ pre-season loss was just the opening of the flood gates. When the water finally resides, all that will be left is Don McClean sitting on a statue in the ruined Public Square, singing that damn song for eternity.

So much for yesterday being a Day of the Dogs — all three died ugly deaths. The two favorites came in so it was only a -100 day.

Season Total: -450

Today’s picks Phillies (Oswalt) -135 over Nats.

Cubs/Cards over 8.5
Rockies/Dodgers under 10.0
Yankees/Twins over 9.0

It’s Friday, and Bobby and I are drinking, watching the Angels’ game because not much else is on. Thoughts so far:

The Angels announcers suck. Free Rex Hudler! These new asshats are fawning over the Angels’ Rally Monkey Chia Pet promotion. We jus had a ten minute argument on the proper spelling of chia pet. Bobby thought it was “gia pet.” Do you see what I have to deal with?

Bobby is still demanding that Pennslyvania Little League coach be fired for having three guys thrown out at the plate. That was when we started drinking — a long time ago.

Angels’ announcers just said Vladdy was a definite first ballot HOFer. Lobotomies should be painful.

We watched the Pittsburgh Pirates behave like the Penn. LL team (shit like happens when you make Daily Picks). We could smell the stink of desperation through the TV.

Bobby just informed me that we were at The Catch the night Howie Kendrick was called up to the majors. Who knew? I bet that is one of those things that gets you into heaven.

Shots! We just drank them. Hunter goes yard. Again. Root beer vodka has a pleasant aftertaste.

I am tired of the Sopranos guy’s tequila commercials. Bobby never watched that show, so he didn’t know the guy was semi famous.

Bobby just caught himself making fun of a breast cancer public service announcement. Saint fucking Bobby.

Jamile Weeks jusy missed a tag of a guy in the basepath. Bobby wants to know why Weeks doesn’t spell his first name like Jamaal Wilkes or Jamal Anderson.

Mark Gubicza is the Angels’ color guy. Victor Rios is the play by play. We can’t decide which guy is trying harder to pretend they are white.

Mike Trout just hit his first major league HR. We saw it — more getting into heaven shit.

Bobby just said I need a bottle opener on the wall (I have three on the bar). Bobby drinks Coors’ Light. I asked him why he needed a bottle opener — he said for his Coke bottle when he wants a Jack and Coke.

Shots!

A’s game over. Padres on the other TV now. The Padres are the most boring team in baseball history – -better than watching NFL preseason replays though.

Rodney in for the Angels — quick four pitch walk. Bobby insists that if Rodney wore his hat straight, he’d throw strikes. Bobby just used the word “askew” in a sentence. Rodney is sporting a beard that would make Eric Wedge forget about Casey Blake.

Harold Reynolds just said that Ken Griffey Jr. lost three years of his MLB career to high school. Funny shit.

DeWayne Wise is still playing in the majors. Austin Kearns must be pissed.

MLB Network highlights on now. Josh Tomlin must die.

Why was it Elvis night in Pittsburgh? That is creepy.

Shots!

Yesterday +300, despite the Indians almost blowing their chance by literally knocking Humber out of the game before he could do bad things.

Season Total -350

Tonight is the Night of the Dog — some favorites look ripe for a fall.

Today’s Picks: DBacks (Hudson) +110
Twins (Slowley) +155
Pirates (Corriea) +125

Two favorites I do like:

Brewers (Marcum) -155
Phillies (Oswalt) -160

Immediately after the Cleveland Indians’ 4-2 victory Thursday night, manager Manny Acta was angrier than a three legged dog trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake. “Jason Donald almost blew the damn game for us. We put the take sign on when he went down 0-2 with the bases loaded in the sixth. We couldn’t afford a double play then. That clown hacked twice before he had the sense to strike out. The failure to execute the little things can kill a ball club. We dodged a bullet, but I am not pleased.”

The Savior went three for four, and Matt LaPorta hit a home run. When he crossed the plate, he pointed at Acta and asked, “Can a retard do that?”

In other news, our old friend Orlando Cabrera is struggling with the Giants with a .490 OPS. However, Alex White was very sharp in his latest rehab start, allowing three hits, a walk, and no runs over 7.2 innings pitched. This was his third start in a row not allowing a run. Chris Antonetti was not available for comment because he had locked himself in a dark room with no windows.

Yesterday: Went 3-5, but only have a push to show for it because I lost with two favorites. Who knew the Indians, sans Kipnis, would beat the White Sox faux ace?

Season total -650

Today’s picks: Indians (Masterson) -130 versus Humber and the Sox. If the Indians hasn’t already made my life miserable for the last forty years, I’d bet the house on this game. Humber is turning into a pumpkin, and Masterson is good. Even Matt LaPorta can’t screw this up.

Angels (Weaver) -150 over the Rangers. This is the Angels’ season right here, with their ace going.

Oakland (Cahill) +110 over the Blue Jays. Romero has been hot lately, but all good things must end.

Yankees/Twins over 8.0 for 200.

After the Cleveland Indians’ 4-1 victory Wednesday, manager Manny Acta revealed his new motivational strategy for his team. “We are chasing the Red Sox for the Wild Card. Let’s face it, we are never going to catch the Tigers, and that is disheartening to my boys. They watch the scoreboard every night and become despondent during our game. LaPorta isn’t retarded after all; he is just too sad to concentrate on the fundamentals in all aspects of the game. We have 44 games in the next 44 days. We can’t worry about the Tigers.”

Meanwhile, Drew Pomeranz made his debut for the Rockies’ AA team and took a perfect game into the seventh inning. He lost the perfect game, but pitched seven inning giving up two hits and no runs while striking out four. Chris Antonetti said, “So what? It was against the A’s minor league affiliate. If those guys could hit, they’d already be in the majors. I will be vindicated with this trade. Doyle Alexander can rot in hell!”

Alex White is scheduled to make his last rehab start on Thursday, and if things go well, he will probably be called up to the majors after that start. If so, there is a good chance that White will produce more value the rest of the season than Ubaldo “Brady Quinn” Jimenez, who has put up -.1 Wins Above Replacement (WAR) for the Tribe since the trade — the about same amount the immortal Jeanmar Gomez put up in his four starts with the Indians this year.

Yesterday: -100, thanks to two bullpen implosions on what should have been victories.

Season Total: -650

Today’s Picks: Reds (Cueuto) -150
Braves (Jurrjens) -150
Brewers (Greinke) -185
WSox (Buehrle) -155
Cardinal/Pirates over 8.0 for -110

After watching Ubalbo Jimenez give up 9 hits in 4.2 innings, Cleveland Indians’ GM Chris Antonetti said, “Oops.” After watching another Matt LaPorta fielding adventure, manager Manny Acta said, “I think that kid is slightly retarded.” After watching LaPorta run back to second on a hit, Acta said, “Yep, he is touched.” After watching the Indians load the bases in the thirteenth with one out, but fail to score with Choo and Cabrera at the plate, Ubaldo Jimenez said, “This one is not on me.”

In other news, Jason Kipnis morphed into the fragile Enrique Wilson, sitting out another game because of soreness.

Yesterday +90. Season Total: -550

Today’s picks: Cubs (Dempster) -140 vs. Astros

Cards (Carpenter) -160 vs. Pirates

Angles/Rangers over 8.

Reds/Nats over 8.5