Dead Religions

Dear Ms. Kathy Karlat [Mayor of Peoria, AZ]:

This is a courtesy letter to inform that multiple protests of Professional Sports Catering are being planned to commence at the Peoria Sports Complex this spring during the Cactus League. This is a result of the abuse of an employee we witnessed last fall during an Arizona Fall League game on the evening of November 9th, 2018. This employee was forced to man the only beer line in the stadium at a game that was attended by over 1.800 people on a very cold night. The poor employee was repeatedly forced to put her hands in frigid ice water to retrieve cans of beer for a line that was so long the wait was over two innings.

I have contacted Professional Sports Catering numerous times seeking restitution for this abused employee and have received zero response. Because of their cavalier attitude to their employees and their obvious disregard for the fans that attend the fine stadium in Peoria, my baseball community has elected to stage massive protests before games this Cactus League at the Peoria Sports Complex. It saddens us to have to this this because quite frankly we would rather be watching games in other, much better Cactus League stadiums in the Greater Phoenix area, but we feel this injustice must not go unchecked.

We will be picketing in the parking lot of the Peoria Sports Complex, and we expect our number to be large because the Church of Baseball is large. Our picket lines are being organized by Powell, a grizzled union attorney who is fresh off victory with the city of Los Angeles teachers’ union.  Quite honesty, Powell enjoys the taste of corporate blood and is rumored to have close ties with ANTIFA. I do not believe his ties with Antifa are that close, but I do believe he is a ninja bad ass, plus he is going to have my buddy Harold with him, who is known for delivering sneaky but devastating snark.

Also at our backs will be many of the most prominent baseball writers in the country, many of whom will be in town for the Society of American Baseball Research (SABR) Analytics convention in Phoenix March 8-10th. If you know any thing about SABR, you know they love to ramble on and on about their pet causes. Just look at any case for Bert Blyleven in the Hall of Fame, plus I do not believe old what’s his name has finished his 2016 presentation. And how some of those guys drink! There is this one gut who will be there who has a vote for the Gold Gloves; just his picture can make distilleries weep crocodile tears.

I am writing you this letter so the brave first responders of your city have time to prepare. I am sure traffic will become snarled on our days of protest, and while a cynic might say, “How will that be different than any other day on Bell Road?” , our mission is to inform not disrupt. Of course, you have the power to prevent any of this from happening by using your influence to ensure Professional Sports Catering offers restitution for their employee that was subjected to workplace brutality that night.

A woman with your influence could do much to right these wrongs placed on a worker in your fair city. I implore you to have a frank conversation with your righteous City Council and Professional Sports Catering to see restitution is made, and this never happens again. Do you really want to be known as the city in which it takes two innings to get a beer at a baseball game? I also request that you use your influence to get my Cactus League crew VIP access in the bar in left field of your stadium. I am confident you will do the correct thing here to ensure your city shines in the brightest of lights.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Maybe you can use your influence to improve the service at the Texas Roadhouse in your town. It is atrocious. Now at the Red Robin, those servers are great!

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I can tell from the lack of your responses that you are deeply concerned about the stadium delays and costs overruns, what with Mayor Mitch being worthless these days as he concentrates on train whistles and widening the road his on which his funeral home sits. As a veteran of stadium openings, I can tell you it will not get any easier in the next few weeks as stress will cause your large intestine to try to eat your pancreas. However, all you really need for Opening Night is working beer taps, and your little baseball cathedral can be a work in progress. Hard liquor flowing cannot hurt either.

In an effort to ease your burden, allow me to suggest a name for your mascot: Breezy, you know because he is cool like the breeze. Don’t call him Woody because Aryan prison gangs will adopt him as one of their own. Plus ,whenever Breezy first makes an appearance eat game, the PA can blast Skynyrd, and people will dance gleefully with our larger than life cockaded ‘Pecker. Or you can call him Ozzie and play “Crazy Train” when he runs on the field. Just do not let my buddy Nick be the guy in the suit as I cannot lose him to a heat stroke.

Speaking of strokes, yes, I just put forth another stroke of genius. I am really good at this, Austin, as GM Joe of the Inland Empire 66ers knows. I think we are about to wrap up negotiations as he is afraid I am going to offer my services elsewhere and turn a moribund promotion department into a force. I think the only thing left to settle is my official title. I want to be called the King of Pain or the Butcher of Crimea, but GM Joe does not think that is fan friendly. I also do not think he is too keen on my idea of combining Faith and Family Night with the Christian Persecution Festival. I think we get all the church groups in the stadium, then SURPRISE! LIONS!

Hey, I hear the Down East Wood Ducks are going to have $1.00 Busch Light and Natural Light 12 Oz cans on Thirsty Thursdays. I am pretty sure those arethe same shitty beers, but one can’t argue with the price. Maybe those dorks will have blind taste tests on the dugouts. Do you know Fridays down there are Food Truck Fridays? Their promotion schedule is out, and I have to wonder if the ‘Peckers have even started theirs. I gotta say, those guys, led by some dude named Wade Howell, are kicking your ass right now. Wade Howell, man, that sounds like the grandson Thurston left behind when he went on that three hour cruise with the Gilligan and the Skipper. Are you a Ginger or Mary Ann guy?

Do you know they call themselves the Woodies? They are already infringing on your name and innuendos. This is why you need to get the ‘Peckers thing going. Woodies are for middle school boys; ‘Peckers are for men. Right now, these guys are lapping you, and they only have four full time employees in their front office. I am not going to stand for this. We need to ride down there to explain to Wade that the party is over. We should probably bring back some of their food trucks too since your guys have contracted with Professional Sports Catering who use the blood of the labor force as condiments.

You probably have not heard yet, but I have started an effort to picket Peoria Stadium during the Cactus League because of the failure of Professional Sports Catering to make amends for the Beer Line Fiasco last fall. Actually, I really have not done much because I am tired, plus the Super Bowl is this weekend. I was sort of hoping someone on Twitter would take the reigns on this, but that probably is not going to happen, so I will have to do everything, as usual. Every trip to the desert is like this, but is is a labor of love. I just might hire some crises actors to get our point across though.

A sad thought just occurred to me — as long as you work for the “Peckers, you probably will never venture to the Cactus League with us. It really must suck knowing that your organization is tied to the Grapefruit League and long bus rides. The rite of spring is a chore in Florida, plus you have to contend with all this Ohio transplants that moved there just to die. I think you need to start re-thinking your career as your soul is in jeopardy with the Grapefruit League. Go West, Young Man. The California League is calling.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Now more than ever, Respect the ‘Pecker!

Dear Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hey Gurl,

I see that your boss, the ruggedly handsome GM Joe Hudson, has not filled the Director of Promotions position yet. I imagine he is holding out for me, but you need to tell him that he needs to quickly make me an offer because I am very confident that the Fayetteville Woodpeckers are going to offer me a formal position any day now since I basically saved their rebranding effort. Remind GM Joe that I cannot work full time because of my extensive travel schedule, but with modern technology, I can be right in his ear at any time.

Speaking of promotions, did you know that former 66ers manager Denny Hocking is managing the Modesto Nuts this year, so he will be making his triumphant return to San Manuel Stadium many times this season. The legendary Mr. Hocking was a bit before your time, but he was a fan favorite because of the combination of his classic baseball looks and his fearless sense of duty to age poorly. Oh how the local fans loved him as he grew old and pudgy right before our eyes. There was even a promotion to have him run for President in 2016. I am sure there are some of the “Vote For Denny” t-shirts in a closest somewhere in your offices (or underneath Adam’s old desk). If you get me a few so I can gift them to other minor league executives, I would appreciate it.

I was looking over the upcoming 2019 schedule (but not the promotional schedule because that has not been released yet), and as luck would have it, Denny Hocking will be in the visiting dugout on Education Day. I hope you guys have been planning a warm homecoming. I know Denny loves Super Soakers, and what is Education Day without Super Soakers? Lame, that is what. Really, really lame.

I hope for you guys have designed some exquisite commemorative t-shirts for the occasion, t-shirts that combine the elements of Education Day and Denny. I would suggest something “Education Day 2019: Denny is putting the Arts back in Stem!” on the front, and STEAM on the back with a locomotive because San Bernardino is a railroad town, plus kids love trains. And dinosaurs! Put one of those on there also. Maybe Conductor Denny and a friendly dinosaur can be driving the train. Put an F-16 fighter just on the shit too because this is America, dammit, the land of the free because of the military industry.

One reason Denny was so popular was that his name was so easy to chant, being just two syllables with no diphthongs. If you have not figured it out yet, multi-syllable diphthongs are the bane of the minors. We used to chant, “Denny! Denny!”, and that cad would never doff his hat, but we knew he loved us. He was the skipper when Nothing Night became Something, and we will always have that bond. Denny learned a great deal about life that night. We all did. Your boss GM Joe was so moved that there were two beer batters per inning, and his Grinch heart grew three sizes. It shrank back later as evidenced by what the common fan must pay for beer on Saturdays. Maybe the 66er Dance girls can lead the children on some “Denny” chants on Education Day. At the very least, the PA Dude should play Lady Gaga’s “Always Remember Us That Way” while Bernie tries to snuggle with Denny during the lineup card exchange. We need something more upbeat for the twerking though.

Speaking of the PA Dude, you need to get that guy to update his music since his selection was so stale last season. I am really terrific at putting together playlists as is your brother, so feel free to consult us. We should go beyond with just canned music and get some bands in there. Hey, maybe we could get Cracker to play on Education Day! Those Redlands youths are all grown up now and scattered all over the country, but I bet they would come home for Denny Hocking. He has that kind of pull on people. You should probably start hitting the social media hard on this right now!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Can we mine the infield for Kids Run the Bases Nights? Nothing in this life is free.

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

I just discovered that the new manager of the ‘Peckers, Nate Shaver, has earned a PhD. I must admit that caused a little bit of a stirring in my loins, even if that degree is from New Mexico State University. We all cannot be Ivy Leaguers, can we? You did one of those mini-Ivy thingies, right? Close enough in my book. 

I see he earned that PhD through “research focused on improving baseball hitting skills through the application of learning theory while utilizing video feedback and evaluating individual differences.” Man, that sound like a stone’s throw away from eugenics. What the hell are the Astros up to these days? That sounds like some real Nazi shit — the old fashioned Nazi stuff, not the stuff goober stuff in America today. Trevor Bauer might have been onto something other than acid. 

I am looking at the press release picture of Mr. Shaver’s signing, and I must say, the Baseball Cube lists him at 5’11”, which means your immediate supervisors are short as fuck. Your President of Operations must be about 5’5”, even with that slick pompadour hair style. However, if he is a ‘Pecker, he must be carrying a big stick, right?

I hope you realize you have been presented another wonderful merchandising opportunity with Shaver’s hiring. Dr. ‘Pecker is in the house! Well, dugout or locker room, but you get he gist. No one buys t-shirts of minor league players, but they go apeshit over a colorful manager. When the great Denny Hocking was the manger of the 66ers in 2016, one of the promos was Hocking running for President. Shirts sold like hotcakes; I bought three myself (two for gifts). Imagine Nate’s likeness on a shirt with Dr. ‘Pecker below it. We can even use his college number (25) on the back. Poof! The ‘Peckers have their first iconic figure, especially since Mr. Shaver has that look of a minor league professional.

His eyes have that look of a guy who has been around forever, but also had been somewhere along the way. One day when you have been in the minors long enough you will know what that means. This is also about the time you are realizing that I know so much, much more about this profession than you. Do not be intimidated; I am here to guide you through this part of the journey. Right now you just need to know you are running with the dreamers. Your big bosses might be trying to run some soulless victory machine, but that apple cart was upended by the Boston Red Sox last year, wasn’t it?

Denny Hocking has that look too, and he was taken from us too soon. Oh, he isn’t dead yet; just managing for Modesto. His trips to San Manuel Stadium will be epic reunions. His first series back includes Education Day, so about a thousand students from Cesar E. Chavez Middle School will be there to show Denny while he is gone, he is not forgotten. I am sure the commemorative T-shirts will be splendid. I hope GM Joe springs for a band, maybe Cracker who is from the region, but like to pretend they are not because they got their ass kicked in the Inland Empire punk scene in the 1990s. Denny Hocking was playing in the Cal League for Visalia the year Cracker’s first LP was released. Coincidence? More like Plate O’ Shrimp. Hickman, Lowery, Hocking, and Bads85 all riding together again.

You might be thinking, “Why haven’t we hired this Bads85 guy yet? Let’s make him an offer.” Well, Austin, I cannot work for the ‘Peckers at this time, unless it is remote and part time. I would also have to see a rough draft of your promotion schedule to see just what I am getting myself into. For now, remember this profession can end anything you have begun, and there are no saviors in A ball, not even Denny Hocking. My good buddy Josh Ritter once told me that only the living go to the graveyard grieving, but I do not believe he ever rode a bus around the Carolina League, so his ideas about catharsis and death are incomplete. Dreamers go to the afterworld keening like banshees because they have heard the bell toll, and know it tolls for thee.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did you know the Wood Ducks have a mascot named Dewd? It is hunting season, and the bell is tolling for Dewd!

Dear Professional Sports Catering:

I have received no response to my multiple inquiries about the Beer Line Fiasco at the Arizona Fall League last November. You silence at this point illustrates acquiescence at best and willful malfeasance at worst. Wrongs were committed, and your company has made no effort to provide any sort of restitution for these atrocities. Because of this, I have no choice but to move forward with actions that will undoubtedly put your company in a poor light, but you were the chucklefucks that shat your own bed, so you get to nestle in that mess with your circus freak lover known as GREED.

Unless you take some immediate steps to resolve this matter immediately the following will happen:

1. I will publish the details (and pictures) of the Beer Line Fiasco on social media, which will certainly incite a maelstrom. While I am a pretty mild mannered guy, many of my followers are not. Many are champions of the working folk who will be incensed at the worker abuse that happened that night. Others are beer lovers who will become unglued when they hear that people had to wait two innings in a single beer line because of your decision to bash labor that night to cut costs. A large contingent just love to re-tweet stuff to watch the word burn. Those guys are the ones you should fear the most. #AFL Beer Line #Never Forget will certainly be trending by time the sun sets into the Pacific Ocean tonight.

2. I will inform every one of the clubs you are contracted with of this behavior, from Fresno, Reno, and Salt Lake City to Aberdeen, Gwinnett, and Lowell—- all twenty-eight organizations, including the one Quad Cities, Iowa. I am not sure if you know of the baseball intellectual muscle that resides in that region. Two of those twenty-eight organizations are opening new stadiums and will certainly be distraught to discover that their new concession contractor shits on labor for minuscule profit. Unlike your impersonal organization, these people have been known to listen to my voice of reason in the past. Perhaps they might explore your barbaric practice of using volunteers for slave labor to run undermanned concessions stands.

3. My Cactus League crew will organize a picket lines by the front of the Peoria Sports Complex to protest your practices that ensure long beer lines. Traffic will probably snarled all the way to Bell Road when we march on the first weekend on spring training. Law Dawg and Harold are already chomping at the bit to unleash an information campaign to enlighten Cactus Leaguers about how you force people to miss live action to wait for beer. I do not believe the Padres or Mariners will enjoy this negative publicity.

4. I will inform the Los Angeles City Teachers Union (UTLA) of this incident. Those guys are fresh off a major labor victory, and many of them found they enjoy the taste of blood, and are upset they did not receive enough concessions. They are feverishly looking for a punching bag and would think nothing of slapping around an employer that made a poor employee repeatedly stick her hands in ice water over the course of a shift on a frigid night. I am sure these guys are itching for a challenge a little bit larger than a minor league contractor, so they will probably engage the lawyers of your parent company, Levy Foods. My pal Andy Lansing is going to be upset he will be distracted from working on the wonderful part in his hair to address this matter.

5. I am fully prepared to extend the picket lines to Opening Night in Rancho Cucamonga, where the fine fans of the Inland Empire 66ers who are tired growing old without a cause will gladly drive down the road to spread some Opening Night cheer in the VIP parking lot.

None of this has to happen if you simply offer restitution. I am not asking you to move mountains here. I do not believe it is unreasonable for me to ask for you to find the abused employee that night and offer her restitution. At the very least, you should offer her a sincere apology for having to work in those conditions, and some sort of financial compensation for what she endured that night.

You also need to implement measures so this never happens again at any event at the Peoria Sports Complex. This is the second year in a row something like this has happened. Either open a second beer line for night games, or have more staffing for the night games. As a gesture of your good will in this matter, I think you should offer my Cactus League crew passes to the outfield bar for all private events.in the bar in left field. We have no desire to eat any of the food items at those parties because quite frankly, they look like they taste like banquet ass. We just want access to some seats so we can enjoy our baseball pilgrimage.

I truly hope we can come to an agreement. I would like to think your organization is honorable, and your total lack of communication to my repeated inquiries was a correctable oversight.

Your friend in baseball (but not labor),
Bads85

PS: Remember, people have rioted for less. Also, the difference between friend and fiend is just a neglected “r”.

Dear Corey Bugno [VP – Corporate Partnerships; Winston-Salem Dash]:

I am not one to argue with success, and your organization led the Carolina League in attendance last year, but you guys seem to be very top heavy in corporate sales staff. I mean, you have five people including yourself choking that chicken. You have more corporate sales peeps than ads on your outfield wall. Yes, I realize you have one of this fancy electronic advertising boards on your left field wall, but just how many corporate sponsors do have you have to justify five people on this task?

I suppose it is working though since you guys surpassed the Frederick Keyes in attendance last year. I must ask though, was it at the cost of the common fan? Because you see, I am the unofficial champion of the common fan for minor league baseball. I am also the unofficial assistant to General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers, and it wasn’t long ago that dude was the California League Executive of the Year. I am the guy who keeps GM Joe grounded, whether through organizing beer boycotts when the concession prices get to high, or teaching the masses how to recycle parking passes to avoid getting gouged.

Do not get me wrong; I am all about maximizing profit, just not by stepping on the backs of the common fans, well, except for the assholes. Sticking it in their rectum is the path to their wallets! Maximizing profit is why I am interested in your digital billboard in left field. Those things were begat out here by the Anaheim Angels before they changed their name to the Los Angeles Laughing Stocks, but have never made it to the the California League. Just how many ads can you get on those during a game?

And just how sharp is the resolution on those things? Let’s say the 66ers wanted to put a likeness of my buddy Harold up there? Would it resemble him? Or would the image look like Atari Basketball? Could we also put his image up there with a caption, say something like, “Beware of the snark with this one!” And are your corporate sponsors local yokels, or do you get national big shots also, say like H&R Block, the ever friendly online tax service?

Your scoreboard does not look to have high resolution — real Lake Elsinore amateur hour. Any plans on updating that? The rest of the park looks phenomenal, even the statue of the little kids ball hawking. Most states of children have a Holocaust feel, but not that one. My son used to be a ball hawk (he once snagged over 30 balls in a season), but he outgrew that just like Little Jackie Paper outgrew Puff. You guys should use some of that sweet, sweet corporate money to upgrade your scoreboard. Now the Mudcats, they appear to have a spiffy scoreboard. I bet the Woodpeckers will also — not those hill cocks in Down East though.

Hey, did you know all the cool people just call the Woodpeckers the ‘Peckers? Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker is what they say in Fayetteville. Little birds do not really command respect, but big, strong ‘Peckers do. Their Vice President of Sales & Marketing, Austin, is a sharp, sharp dude. I expect the ‘Peckers to make a big splash this summer. I am going to try to make it to their park this summer and sit in a luxury box with Austin when we are not pounding Irish Car Bombs in their outfield bar like real minor league executives do. 

Maybe we will make it your fine stadium, although they do Thirsty Thursday so well in Greensboro, and I can only spend so much time on I-40 because I have to get up to Canada to meet a bunch of people who have been long expecting me. I suppose I could just stop by your park, and you can show me how that electronic billboard works while I tell you some stories from the road. Perhaps we can sip a bourbon.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did you find the movie Solo satisfying?

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

We need to talk about promotions because I am not sure if you club is planning any because your website still has no promotion schedule. Quick question, do you know what the bottom three teams in attendance in the Carolina League in 2018 had in common? No Director of Promotions, that is what.

But before we go any further, a burning question must be answered. Will Pepsi or Coke be served at this new Fayetteville Stadium? Don’t leave this choice to Professional Sports Catering, who still has not resolved the AFL beer line debacle. And is this stadium going to have a name, like some sort of corporate sponsor? I think it should be called ‘Pecker Park. If there is a corporate sponsor, it would be CORPORATE SPONSOR @ ‘Pecker Park, say like Cape Fear Valley Medical @ ‘Pecker Park. I would avoid allowing Rick Hendricks Toyota be the sponsor though because the locals will refer your new stadium as “Ricky Dricks”. You want people to say “Hey, let’s go to the ‘Pecker tonight to see a game!” You do not want them saying, “Let’s go to Ricky Dricks tonight, then go out later and get salty fruit drinks!”

I know your organization is focused on opening the stadium at this point, but do not lose focus on out of state advertising. You want tourists to flock to Fayetteville so see your new park just like they do in Asheville (it is right in their nickname). Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think Fayetteville has a Biltmore Mansion there, just like San Bernardino does not have a Hearst Castle. Having a ballpark being called “Ricky Dricks” all over social media is not going to help bring people from out of state. Families will drive all the way from California to go to The “Pecker though – well, at least if the new tax laws did not decimate their vacation fund.

Speaking of taxes, did you know that H&R Block offers a free tax service online, and as an added bonus, they offer it snark free? TurboTax offers a free online service also, but it comes with a shitload of unwarranted snark, probably because the company is based out of San Diego, and almost everyone who lives there suffers from a severe inferiority complex growing up in the shadows of Los Angeles and Tijuana. Apparently, this complex permeates their professional lives also. Rumor has it that most of their employees are going to die alone, especially the ones that did not attend Stanford University, but a Public Ivy like the University of California (you attended one of those mini-Ivies, right?). Plus, the city cannot really support professional sports teams either, as evidenced by the Chargers and the Clippers leaving, and all the opposing fans in their baseball stadium. The quaint airport is a tremendous source of civic pride though, so they have that going for them.

Evoking civic pride is often an important ingredient in the recipe of a successful promotion. I see your fierce rival, the Down East Wood Ducks, is having a Collard Green Night this season. Now I am not one to shit upon regional cuisine, but that sounds like a promotion only a local can love. I am sure the good people of Down East are going to have a grand time that night, especially since the Wood Ducks will be wearing Collard Green jersey that night. Serious question though: Every time you hear “Wood Ducks”, do think, “Wood Fucks”, then start saying “How much wood could a Wood Fuck fuck if a Wood Fuck could fuck wood?” Me neither. Aloud anyway.

Who are the “Peckers biggest rival in the Carolina League anyway? Hillcats eat woodpeckers (but not ‘Peckers! Hillcats fear ‘Peckers!), so they could be the obvious choice. Certainly not the Winston-Salem Dash. Those dummies should be called the hyphens because that is not a dash between Winston and Salem. Hey, you know what would be really funny? If you called Corey Bugno [VP – Corporate Partnerships; Winston-Salem Dash] every day and asked him if he knows the difference between a hyphen and a dash. Also ask him why his organization has five corporate ticket sales reps, and the working man has none. You know what? You don’t even have to make that call. Some guy from California pretending to be you could.

Hey, I gotta go. Something just came up.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: You should reach out to H&R Block to be a corporate sponsor! They would look great on the outfield wall.

Dear Mr. Andrew Layman [General Manager; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:

I know you are a very busy man, so I will be brief with my inquiry. I normally respect the chain of command of a minor league front office, but your organization’s front office arrangement does not appear to have a clean fit for my question, so I am going straight to the top. Your wonderful mascot, Mr. Celery, the one that only appears when your Blue Rocks score a run, is he available to rent for parties?

I am not talking little kids’ birthday parties where the plate breakers and curtain climbers will swarm him. I am taking adult parties where he would jump out from behind the bar whenever someone does a shot. Everyone could shout, “Woo hoo!” just like at Judy Johnson Field at Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. We do many more shots than your team scores runs, so Mr. Celery is going to be a busy stalk, but we will pump him with plenty of ice water so he does not get flaccid. I am not taking about swinger parties either. Mr. Celery will not be around any pervs.

Your organization lifted the Mascot Appearing When the Home Team Score from Lake Elsinore back in the late nineties at the Carolina/California League All Star Game. That is okay though because the minors are full of outlaws, reprobates, burned out rock n’ rollers, and retired anarchists that found Little Baby Jesus on a long bus ride through the deep of the night, plus guys like you and me, Andrew, who are just trying to make it home from the ballpark without stopping at Applebee’s. I imagine we are cut from the same cloth.

Lake Elsinore’s many mascots all are terrible though, and you guys breathed life into a fine idea felled by inane execution. Your former GM Chris Kemple should have a statue built in his likeness outside your stadium, even if he left baseball for the ivory towers of academia. But I digress, I need Mr. Celery as the consummate party favor for my upcoming fantasy baseball drafts held at the bar I constructed in my backyard in Southern California. 

I cannot employ the local mascots because they are lame except for Bernie of the Inland Empire 66ers, who technically is a fellow employee. You see, I am the unofficial assistant to General Manager Joe Hudson. Right now we are still negotiating my contract because to be frank, I am much more valuable than he is, but his bosses at the Elmore Sports Mafia refuse to pay me what I am worth. As you well know, such is the nature of our business, and I am sure it will be all worked out before pitchers and catchers report to the Cactus League. Even it is not, I can’t hire Bernie because that gangsta is a stone cold killer, and I can’t have him in my backyard, driving down property values. 

One night, back in the mid nineties, Bernie climbed atop the first base dugout with a rifle and blasted the San Bernardino Baseball Bug, the beloved mascot from the San Bernardino Spirit days. The Bug, who used to high five a young Ken Griffey Jr. was shot by a jealous mascot who wanted to be number one in town. The Bug was even placed in a coffin and buried in center field. These days, GM Joe has whitewashed the entire thing, making up some false history about the Baseball Bug retiring, but those of us who were there, we will never forget, nor will we silenced.

So you see why I have a need for your mascot, Mr. Celery. I do not want your Moose or your Rock; I want the real deal. I am sure we can work something out, and this will be a wonderful start to our baseball relationship. Maybe I can even stop by your park this summer and we can pound some gorilla farts like real baseball men do.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: If I come to your stadium this summer, can I polish your Bob Frietas Award ?

Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

Sorry for the lack of contact over the last few days, but the decadency of the Cactus League is approaching, and the logistics of planning that trip are immense as it is the holiest of baseball pilgrimages, very much like Easter, except nobody was nailed to a tree against their will. You can kind of imagine the process, opening a new stadium and all this spring.

I have photographic evidence that you met my buddy Nick at the Lions Club evening engagement. Luckily, you escaped being kidnapped and taken on a pub crawl with that social beast. The sun would have been rising in the east by time you made it home. I have been to the edge with Nick. Twice.

That is all the past, and when we have time, we can reminisce over beers at Karsen’s in Scottsdale in the offseason, but now we have pressing business at hand. I have noticed that your promotion schedule has not been released yet. Did you know the team you open the season with has already released its promotion schedule (hint: the Potomac Nationals)? With dire stadium like that, they need to. Those guys in promotions there earn their paycheck — they draw 3,700 a game despite having a stadium that posses the allure of a truck stop bathroom in an industrial wasteland in South Jersey.

I see your organization doesn’t even have a Director of Promotions, a rather glaring omission for a minor league franchise. Austin, my man, people do not go to minor league games just to watch baseball. They go for the full package. They want the carnival atmosphere, midgets being shot out of cannons, landing on trapezes while the elephants charge the white rhinos. A little research indicates your organization went with the baseball purist route the last couple years at Jim Perry Stadium. How did that work out for you guys? Oh, that is right, 359 fans a game — about 30 percent of stadium capacity. More people watched naked hobos wrestle in a Georgia rest stop on I-95 at Mile Marker 40 every night last summer. Baseball purists are assholes, Austin. Don’t let your organization emulate them unless you want to die alone like them.

I know you guys are counting on fat cat corporate season ticket sales, but without promotions, you are going to have a great deal of empty seats every night. Good ol’ Ladd Lanier, the loan manager down at Arvest Bank, isn’t going to want to keep bringing his family to the games if A+ ball is the only thing on the plate. Expense accounts might get the big money through the gates a couple of times, but it is the promotions that keep people coming back time and time again. Besides, if you are counting on a guy with the first name of Ladd to propel ticket sales, well, you missed the last boat off the island. You need to get Darryls off their inland fishing lakes and into the stands because they will bring their entire clan and buy sodas and beer by the tray.

You know what gets Darryl off his bass boat? Bobbleheads. Taco Tuesdays. Thirsty Thursdays. Theme nights. Between inning contests that involve people getting humiliated (Knockerball is wonderful for this as are any thing that involves pies getting smashed into people’s faces). Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute bands. Grandma Beauty Contests (avoid Grandma Wet T-shirt contests). Goat Yoga. Duck blinds that serve beer. Bass fishing boat raffles.

You might be thinking, but Bads, we do not want too many Darryls at the park because they get downright angry at the auto flush toilets, but the same theory applies to non-commissioned officers at Fort Bragg. SFC Bell has money burning a hole in his pocket, and the mess hall is closed. He is tired of Applebee’s, but he is going to want more than the fares of Professional Sports Catering (those chucklekfucks still have not responded about the Beer Line Travesty at the AFL last November). Alas, I fear that your organization is woefully unprepared for the fast life of the Carolina League , but we can talk more about that tomorrow.
You know what the world needs right now? A new punctuation mark for the apostrophe we use in certain abbreviations, say like ‘Peckers. It needs to be longer and more curled, sort of like a baby elephant trunk. It needs a name that kind of sounds dirty also, like diphthong, which is a jackup word to begin with. Why use four consonants to create a combined vowel sound? Who the was in charge back then? My buddy Kirby says an ophthalmologist. I think it was the same demented linguist who put the “b” in subtle. You haven’t met Kirby yet, but maybe next year in the Mexican Leagues. I see the Carolina League is pleasantly devoid of diphthongs, probably Darryl and SFC Bell are not fond of them. I bet they would be fond of baby elephant trunks on their hats and jerseys though.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Neil Young is on overrated lyricist. Agree or disagree? Just what the hell was going on in “After The Gold Rush”? And he never really did tell the story of Johnny Rotten, did he?

Dear Mayor Mitch Colvin:

Congratulations on bringing the Woodpeckers to town. I have recently had numerous professional dealings with this fine organization, and I can assure you they are committed to creating all sorts of revenue streams to your wonderful city, especially Austin Schwartz, Vice President, Sales & Marketing. I do understand your city is having some cost overruns with your stadium, but rest assured, your city is not the first municipality to which this has happened. I have a viable solution for you that will not only save your city millions of dollars, but make you a political giant.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Bads85, minor league expert and Unofficial Special Assistant to General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers and the President of Diamond Concessions. I am sort of like a horse whisperer, except for minor league teams. I also offer pretty sage political advice as Senator Barbara Boxer will attest. You see, for many years Babs and I had a thing going on.

Once upon a time in the early 1990’s, I lived through a stadium fiasco in a city near to me, Lake Elsinore, California. It is a story of greed, corruption and incompetence without the sexual scandals to hold the public’s eye. However, to this day, the city of Lake Elsinore is hamstrung by their stadium. Meanwhile, the city of San Bernardino, a bastion of unscrupulous of malfeasance, said, “Hey we know more about graft and profiteering than you ever will, so not in our backward! Be gone, demons!” Today, the stadium is one of the city’s top assets, even though the city is both morally and financially bankrupt. The mistake Lake Elsinore made was signing high interest bonds for a quick fix. Don’t do, that, Mr. Mayor.

My advice to you is to get someone other than the tax payers to pay for these overruns, and the solution is simple: make the owners of the team pay for it. The Houston Astros are not short of money. The cost of your overruns are about the price of Joe Smith’s contract. What has more long term value, a stable minor league franchise, or a reliever on the wrong side of 35? The Astros can have booth if they choose.

Tell them to cough up the money, or the team can move back to the California League. Tell them you hear Bakersfield and Adelanto are looking for teams because Lancaster is now off the table. They burned their bridges so they really do not have anywhere else to go but the Florida State League, and the only people who go to Florida are those ready to die.

Oh, they will be upset. They will yell, scream, stamp their feet, and make threats. Call their bluff. Ask them if they are really going to treat the city that is the home to the Airborne Infantry suffer this way. Tell them you are not about to sit by and watch them shit down the throats of the families of the US military. Tell them my buddy Nick already has Woodpecker bling, and taking Nick’s Pecker bling away will make him very angry. You do not want to piss of the Lions Club. Tell them that owning a minor league baseball team is tough, and if they do not have the stones to own one, well, the Elmore Sports Mafia will probably take the team off their hands – for a discounted price.

If all this fails, just fold at the last second and have a few bake sales. It’s a military town, and the troops loved baked goods.

Keep your head high in these tough times, Mitch. We shall persevere.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Make sure the hot dogs are grilled at the stadium. And wrapped in bacon. Yum!