I Ask The Mayor of Peoria for Help

Dear Ms. Kathy Karlat [Mayor of Peoria, AZ]:

This is a courtesy letter to inform that multiple protests of Professional Sports Catering are being planned to commence at the Peoria Sports Complex this spring during the Cactus League. This is a result of the abuse of an employee we witnessed last fall during an Arizona Fall League game on the evening of November 9th, 2018. This employee was forced to man the only beer line in the stadium at a game that was attended by over 1.800 people on a very cold night. The poor employee was repeatedly forced to put her hands in frigid ice water to retrieve cans of beer for a line that was so long the wait was over two innings.

I have contacted Professional Sports Catering numerous times seeking restitution for this abused employee and have received zero response. Because of their cavalier attitude to their employees and their obvious disregard for the fans that attend the fine stadium in Peoria, my baseball community has elected to stage massive protests before games this Cactus League at the Peoria Sports Complex. It saddens us to have to this this because quite frankly we would rather be watching games in other, much better Cactus League stadiums in the Greater Phoenix area, but we feel this injustice must not go unchecked.

We will be picketing in the parking lot of the Peoria Sports Complex, and we expect our number to be large because the Church of Baseball is large. Our picket lines are being organized by Powell, a grizzled union attorney who is fresh off victory with the city of Los Angeles teachers’ union.  Quite honesty, Powell enjoys the taste of corporate blood and is rumored to have close ties with ANTIFA. I do not believe his ties with Antifa are that close, but I do believe he is a ninja bad ass, plus he is going to have my buddy Harold with him, who is known for delivering sneaky but devastating snark.

Also at our backs will be many of the most prominent baseball writers in the country, many of whom will be in town for the Society of American Baseball Research (SABR) Analytics convention in Phoenix March 8-10th. If you know any thing about SABR, you know they love to ramble on and on about their pet causes. Just look at any case for Bert Blyleven in the Hall of Fame, plus I do not believe old what’s his name has finished his 2016 presentation. And how some of those guys drink! There is this one gut who will be there who has a vote for the Gold Gloves; just his picture can make distilleries weep crocodile tears.

I am writing you this letter so the brave first responders of your city have time to prepare. I am sure traffic will become snarled on our days of protest, and while a cynic might say, “How will that be different than any other day on Bell Road?” , our mission is to inform not disrupt. Of course, you have the power to prevent any of this from happening by using your influence to ensure Professional Sports Catering offers restitution for their employee that was subjected to workplace brutality that night.

A woman with your influence could do much to right these wrongs placed on a worker in your fair city. I implore you to have a frank conversation with your righteous City Council and Professional Sports Catering to see restitution is made, and this never happens again. Do you really want to be known as the city in which it takes two innings to get a beer at a baseball game? I also request that you use your influence to get my Cactus League crew VIP access in the bar in left field of your stadium. I am confident you will do the correct thing here to ensure your city shines in the brightest of lights.

Your friend in baseball,

PS: Maybe you can use your influence to improve the service at the Texas Roadhouse in your town. It is atrocious. Now at the Red Robin, those servers are great!

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