Dear Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I see that your boss, the ruggedly handsome GM Joe Hudson, has not filled the Director of Promotions position yet. I imagine he is holding out for me, but you need to tell him that he needs to quickly make me an offer because I am very confident that the Fayetteville Woodpeckers are going to offer me a formal position any day now since I basically saved their rebranding effort. Remind GM Joe that I cannot work full time because of my extensive travel schedule, but with modern technology, I can be right in his ear at any time.
Speaking of promotions, did you know that former 66ers manager Denny Hocking is managing the Modesto Nuts this year, so he will be making his triumphant return to San Manuel Stadium many times this season. The legendary Mr. Hocking was a bit before your time, but he was a fan favorite because of the combination of his classic baseball looks and his fearless sense of duty to age poorly. Oh how the local fans loved him as he grew old and pudgy right before our eyes. There was even a promotion to have him run for President in 2016. I am sure there are some of the “Vote For Denny” t-shirts in a closest somewhere in your offices (or underneath Adam’s old desk). If you get me a few so I can gift them to other minor league executives, I would appreciate it.
I was looking over the upcoming 2019 schedule (but not the promotional schedule because that has not been released yet), and as luck would have it, Denny Hocking will be in the visiting dugout on Education Day. I hope you guys have been planning a warm homecoming. I know Denny loves Super Soakers, and what is Education Day without Super Soakers? Lame, that is what. Really, really lame.
I hope for you guys have designed some exquisite commemorative t-shirts for the occasion, t-shirts that combine the elements of Education Day and Denny. I would suggest something “Education Day 2019: Denny is putting the Arts back in Stem!” on the front, and STEAM on the back with a locomotive because San Bernardino is a railroad town, plus kids love trains. And dinosaurs! Put one of those on there also. Maybe Conductor Denny and a friendly dinosaur can be driving the train. Put an F-16 fighter just on the shit too because this is America, dammit, the land of the free because of the military industry.
One reason Denny was so popular was that his name was so easy to chant, being just two syllables with no diphthongs. If you have not figured it out yet, multi-syllable diphthongs are the bane of the minors. We used to chant, “Denny! Denny!”, and that cad would never doff his hat, but we knew he loved us. He was the skipper when Nothing Night became Something, and we will always have that bond. Denny learned a great deal about life that night. We all did. Your boss GM Joe was so moved that there were two beer batters per inning, and his Grinch heart grew three sizes. It shrank back later as evidenced by what the common fan must pay for beer on Saturdays. Maybe the 66er Dance girls can lead the children on some “Denny” chants on Education Day. At the very least, the PA Dude should play Lady Gaga’s “Always Remember Us That Way” while Bernie tries to snuggle with Denny during the lineup card exchange. We need something more upbeat for the twerking though.
Speaking of the PA Dude, you need to get that guy to update his music since his selection was so stale last season. I am really terrific at putting together playlists as is your brother, so feel free to consult us. We should go beyond with just canned music and get some bands in there. Hey, maybe we could get Cracker to play on Education Day! Those Redlands youths are all grown up now and scattered all over the country, but I bet they would come home for Denny Hocking. He has that kind of pull on people. You should probably start hitting the social media hard on this right now!
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Can we mine the infield for Kids Run the Bases Nights? Nothing in this life is free.