Dear Austin [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:
We need to talk about promotions because I am not sure if you club is planning any because your website still has no promotion schedule. Quick question, do you know what the bottom three teams in attendance in the Carolina League in 2018 had in common? No Director of Promotions, that is what.
But before we go any further, a burning question must be answered. Will Pepsi or Coke be served at this new Fayetteville Stadium? Don’t leave this choice to Professional Sports Catering, who still has not resolved the AFL beer line debacle. And is this stadium going to have a name, like some sort of corporate sponsor? I think it should be called ‘Pecker Park. If there is a corporate sponsor, it would be CORPORATE SPONSOR @ ‘Pecker Park, say like Cape Fear Valley Medical @ ‘Pecker Park. I would avoid allowing Rick Hendricks Toyota be the sponsor though because the locals will refer your new stadium as “Ricky Dricks”. You want people to say “Hey, let’s go to the ‘Pecker tonight to see a game!” You do not want them saying, “Let’s go to Ricky Dricks tonight, then go out later and get salty fruit drinks!”
I know your organization is focused on opening the stadium at this point, but do not lose focus on out of state advertising. You want tourists to flock to Fayetteville so see your new park just like they do in Asheville (it is right in their nickname). Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think Fayetteville has a Biltmore Mansion there, just like San Bernardino does not have a Hearst Castle. Having a ballpark being called “Ricky Dricks” all over social media is not going to help bring people from out of state. Families will drive all the way from California to go to The “Pecker though – well, at least if the new tax laws did not decimate their vacation fund.
Speaking of taxes, did you know that H&R Block offers a free tax service online, and as an added bonus, they offer it snark free? TurboTax offers a free online service also, but it comes with a shitload of unwarranted snark, probably because the company is based out of San Diego, and almost everyone who lives there suffers from a severe inferiority complex growing up in the shadows of Los Angeles and Tijuana. Apparently, this complex permeates their professional lives also. Rumor has it that most of their employees are going to die alone, especially the ones that did not attend Stanford University, but a Public Ivy like the University of California (you attended one of those mini-Ivies, right?). Plus, the city cannot really support professional sports teams either, as evidenced by the Chargers and the Clippers leaving, and all the opposing fans in their baseball stadium. The quaint airport is a tremendous source of civic pride though, so they have that going for them.
Evoking civic pride is often an important ingredient in the recipe of a successful promotion. I see your fierce rival, the Down East Wood Ducks, is having a Collard Green Night this season. Now I am not one to shit upon regional cuisine, but that sounds like a promotion only a local can love. I am sure the good people of Down East are going to have a grand time that night, especially since the Wood Ducks will be wearing Collard Green jersey that night. Serious question though: Every time you hear “Wood Ducks”, do think, “Wood Fucks”, then start saying “How much wood could a Wood Fuck fuck if a Wood Fuck could fuck wood?” Me neither. Aloud anyway.
Who are the “Peckers biggest rival in the Carolina League anyway? Hillcats eat woodpeckers (but not ‘Peckers! Hillcats fear ‘Peckers!), so they could be the obvious choice. Certainly not the Winston-Salem Dash. Those dummies should be called the hyphens because that is not a dash between Winston and Salem. Hey, you know what would be really funny? If you called Corey Bugno [VP – Corporate Partnerships; Winston-Salem Dash] every day and asked him if he knows the difference between a hyphen and a dash. Also ask him why his organization has five corporate ticket sales reps, and the working man has none. You know what? You don’t even have to make that call. Some guy from California pretending to be you could.
Hey, I gotta go. Something just came up.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: You should reach out to H&R Block to be a corporate sponsor! They would look great on the outfield wall.