Dear Professional Sports Catering:
I have received no response to my multiple inquiries about the Beer Line Fiasco at the Arizona Fall League last November. You silence at this point illustrates acquiescence at best and willful malfeasance at worst. Wrongs were committed, and your company has made no effort to provide any sort of restitution for these atrocities. Because of this, I have no choice but to move forward with actions that will undoubtedly put your company in a poor light, but you were the chucklefucks that shat your own bed, so you get to nestle in that mess with your circus freak lover known as GREED.
Unless you take some immediate steps to resolve this matter immediately the following will happen:
1. I will publish the details (and pictures) of the Beer Line Fiasco on social media, which will certainly incite a maelstrom. While I am a pretty mild mannered guy, many of my followers are not. Many are champions of the working folk who will be incensed at the worker abuse that happened that night. Others are beer lovers who will become unglued when they hear that people had to wait two innings in a single beer line because of your decision to bash labor that night to cut costs. A large contingent just love to re-tweet stuff to watch the word burn. Those guys are the ones you should fear the most. #AFL Beer Line #Never Forget will certainly be trending by time the sun sets into the Pacific Ocean tonight.
2. I will inform every one of the clubs you are contracted with of this behavior, from Fresno, Reno, and Salt Lake City to Aberdeen, Gwinnett, and Lowell—- all twenty-eight organizations, including the one Quad Cities, Iowa. I am not sure if you know of the baseball intellectual muscle that resides in that region. Two of those twenty-eight organizations are opening new stadiums and will certainly be distraught to discover that their new concession contractor shits on labor for minuscule profit. Unlike your impersonal organization, these people have been known to listen to my voice of reason in the past. Perhaps they might explore your barbaric practice of using volunteers for slave labor to run undermanned concessions stands.
3. My Cactus League crew will organize a picket lines by the front of the Peoria Sports Complex to protest your practices that ensure long beer lines. Traffic will probably snarled all the way to Bell Road when we march on the first weekend on spring training. Law Dawg and Harold are already chomping at the bit to unleash an information campaign to enlighten Cactus Leaguers about how you force people to miss live action to wait for beer. I do not believe the Padres or Mariners will enjoy this negative publicity.
4. I will inform the Los Angeles City Teachers Union (UTLA) of this incident. Those guys are fresh off a major labor victory, and many of them found they enjoy the taste of blood, and are upset they did not receive enough concessions. They are feverishly looking for a punching bag and would think nothing of slapping around an employer that made a poor employee repeatedly stick her hands in ice water over the course of a shift on a frigid night. I am sure these guys are itching for a challenge a little bit larger than a minor league contractor, so they will probably engage the lawyers of your parent company, Levy Foods. My pal Andy Lansing is going to be upset he will be distracted from working on the wonderful part in his hair to address this matter.
5. I am fully prepared to extend the picket lines to Opening Night in Rancho Cucamonga, where the fine fans of the Inland Empire 66ers who are tired growing old without a cause will gladly drive down the road to spread some Opening Night cheer in the VIP parking lot.
None of this has to happen if you simply offer restitution. I am not asking you to move mountains here. I do not believe it is unreasonable for me to ask for you to find the abused employee that night and offer her restitution. At the very least, you should offer her a sincere apology for having to work in those conditions, and some sort of financial compensation for what she endured that night.
You also need to implement measures so this never happens again at any event at the Peoria Sports Complex. This is the second year in a row something like this has happened. Either open a second beer line for night games, or have more staffing for the night games. As a gesture of your good will in this matter, I think you should offer my Cactus League crew passes to the outfield bar for all private events.in the bar in left field. We have no desire to eat any of the food items at those parties because quite frankly, they look like they taste like banquet ass. We just want access to some seats so we can enjoy our baseball pilgrimage.
I truly hope we can come to an agreement. I would like to think your organization is honorable, and your total lack of communication to my repeated inquiries was a correctable oversight.
Your friend in baseball (but not labor),
PS: Remember, people have rioted for less. Also, the difference between friend and fiend is just a neglected “r”.