Dead Religions

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Sir. Once again, the creative forces that perpetually flow through my mind have developed a solution that will make the Eugene Emeralds’ a great deal of money in the 2021 season. All we have to do to initially fill your wonderful stadium is to float the idea that there is discussion that a reality television show will be filmed at PK Park this season, and the good folk of Springfield and Eugene will purchase tickets like, well I really cannot think of the proper simile right now because it will be so huge. Not a PG-13 simile anyway.

All we have to do is leak to the public that some big shots are coming to town who want to film a reality television show about the Eugene Emeralds lovable front office and the spender fans that frequent the park. I mean, we are not lying. I ask about it every damn day, and I am kind of a big deal on most minor league circuits, and a major deity in the Cactus League — not some minor god like Dionysus who invented wine but forgot about beer and bourbon, but Thor and Apollo like shit.

Yes, the rumor will be the producers want to follow the ups and downs of America’s greatest unknown team as they transition from Short A Season ball to the gritty mean streets of High A Ball in a world gone mad. Led by their fearless, charismatic leader, El Comandante (you), and the enigmatic but gorgeous stranger he brought aboard (me), the Emeralds’ staff will show the audience the inner workings workings of the tightest ship in minor league baseball. Nobody loves fun as much as these rascally mischief makers who are not afraid of hard work and showing their sensitive side.

We can work out the particulars later but once word gets out, it will just be a matter of time before Netflix is banging on your door. Once the show is being filmed, we can insert our laments for a new stadium to be free of the shackles the University of Oregon. An important rule of MiLB is never miss a chance to cleverly promote ulterior motives, so we are killing two birds with one accurately thrown empty beer bottle. Skillz. We’s gots skillz.

We do have one problem to address before we move forward with our bold plan: Righteous Stoics, the crotchety old fans who fancy themselves purists who believe baseball should only be played in a silent, pastoral setting. We briefly discussed these folk in our historic breakfast meeting a couple of weeks ago. Sure they are usually season ticket holders, but why fear them? Where are they going to go? Hillsboro? Pasco? Of course not, plus we are going to outlive them. They might incessantly complain, but they need the Ems more than the Ems need them. I fought these curmudgeons for decades until I finalized realized it was easier to embrace them than fight with them.

Since the county health board will not let us give them want they truly want (a steaming phlegm concession treat), we can give them what all minor league fans want: a sense of belonging. They just want to feel wanted, and the best way to do that is to throw a couple of coupons their way when they are complaining about other people having fun. Fifty cents off a pretzel brings a gleam to their eyes and a smile to their faces most of the time. Here is some of the best advice I can give give you, Allan: Every time a Righteous Stoic smiles, a young minor league front executive gets his/her wings (that is bumper sticker material; roll the press!). Oh, it is not always easy to get Captain Grumps to smile, but when it happens, it is like Christmas morning without all the damn trash after opening the presents. 

Of course, if we are going to be part of a reality show, our season needs a theme, something that appears to be sorely missing from the Ems’ social media platforms. Most organizations  are going to go with something like “Baseball is back” because most organizations are unoriginal drones ravaged by furloughs who lack the courage to look past COVID seating charts into the brave new world. But not us, Allan, not us. Once again, we will be pushing the intellectual envelope, dancing where angels fear to tread.  Most organizations are wondering what is going to happen next; The Eugene Emeralds are dictating what happens next. However,  we will discuss theme in another missive as it is late, and the mayor needs my attention.

I have given you some excellent motivational material for your staff recently. Let’s review:

1. When the old ladies want to touch your Squatch, you are winning hearts and minds.

2. Every time a Righteous Stoic smiles, a young minor league front executive gets his/her wings.

3. If you burn it, they will come.

4. Kids love both dinosaurs and soldiers.

5. I am am sure there is another one, but I am too tired to go back and find it.

Anyway, let’s talk soon. I have a Tonka Truck Obstacle Course idea I need to run by you.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I just thought of #5, even though I have not shared it with you yet.

“There are two types of bad promotions: ones that lose money, and one that prevents a club from making more money that night. There are promotions designed to get fans to the park a particular night, and there are promotions to get fans to return another night.”

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I have excellent news. The Emeralds’ Sasquatch COVID shirts were a rousing success in the Cactus League this past weekend. So, so  many people complimented me on the shirts, especially the “There is No Covid in Baseball” one. I cannot count the old ladies who tried to touch my chest. You see, that is how one builds a brand — boots on the ground in real time. Sasquatch touched people’s souls this weekend in Arizona, Allan. When the old ladies want to touch your Squatch, you are winning hearts and minds. I am not so sure if social media can ever match that type of human touch, which is why next year you should send your entire staff to the Cactus League. We can rent a house, and do all sorts of team bonding activities like keg stands, and —- that it is it, keg stands. No Jello shots or trust falls. I bet you could get the San Francisco Giants to finance the trip if you asked nicely.

I have even better news. I checked flights to Eugene for the Emeralds’ home opener, and my financial advisor says it is doable. Being the wizened minor league veteran I am, I realize that the home opener is a very busy time for your staff, so there will not be much time for social interaction with you or your staff, but I will be busy hobnobbing with the local mayors and city council members of Eugene and Springfield, so it is not like I will have a great deal of time to interact with your staff. The burning question is do you have the courage to hand me a live microphone, and lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?

Have you invited Governor Kate Brown to the home opener yet? She loves baseball, but loathes the idea of public monies being used to build stadiums. However, we can probably convince her to exert pressure on corporations to help finance the cathedral of our dreams. Give me a few innings in the VIP suite with her and the other local politicians, and I will MAKE MAGIC HAPPEN. I could be even coerced to wear suit and an emerald tie. If you need any assistance inviting politicians to the home opener, I am your man. Once upon a time, former US Senator Barbara “Babs” Boxer and I had something going on. 

How is the promotional schedule progressing?  It is a big jump to a full season, and you do not want to be pre-empted by those yahoos in Hillsboro. Since promotional funds will initially be limited, we have to be creative with our promotions. As you have probably deduced, I have a knack at coming up with those. Here are some suggestions:

1. “Release the Frustration Bobblehead Night”: Fans are invited to bring their old bobbleheads to PK Park where’re they will be encouraged to crush them with glee to realize any lingering COVID frustrations. Many fans have lame bobbleheads at home they received in past promotions designed by people who now work in retail. The only cost is minimal labor as your staff hones their sweeping skills. If we cannot afford that, perhaps we can have a bonfire in the parking lot. Surely lighter fluid is not that expensive in Eugene. 
2. “Bring Your Stuffed Animal to the Park”: Any kid or adult who brings a stuffed animal to park receives a dollar of their admission. Lil Johnny and Sassy Susie will love the opportunity to sit with their stuffed animal and watch baseball. No furries though. Too much possibility of pervs showing up.
3. “Bring Your Coloring Book to the Ballpark Night”: Children and front office staff members of the Hillsboro Hops are invited to bring their favorite coloring books to the park, color their little fingers to the bone, and give Sluggo their favorite pics (if we have not killed off Sluggo yet). 
4. “Failed Lottery Ticket Night”: Previously unlucky fans bring their failed lottery tickets to the game and receive $2.00 off admission. We will have another bonfire in the seventh inning after Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events] takes the the lottery tickets to the nearest 7/11to see if there are any winners. 
5. Hunter Horenstein Night: The Eugene Emeralds will recognize MiLB’s most lovable scamp. Fans will receive nothing more than learning who Hunter is, but that is the wealth of ten kings. 

You should see a pattern emerging here, Allan, even if you started drinking early like every great MiLB executive does on a Monday. One, we get the fans to bring the promotions to the park, and two, fire. This season, we should embrace the “If you burn it, they will come” angle of marketing. 

I need to run. I need to make my acquaintance with some other High A West League teams since I have deemed myself the new league ombudsman. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: How are the Pan American Game T-shirts coming along?

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Dude, I just figured out how to get you a new baseball stadium. I must tell you though, coming up with all these solutions for you is taxing work. On most days, the most anguished decision in my life is, “Should I have a blue or red Slurpee?” You have me worried about environmental impacts, economic studies, and researching dirty politicians. It is a labor of love though, and as you know, I am a giver.

Here is my solution: convince Mayor Lucy Vinis that her fair city of Eugene needs to host the 2027 Pan American Games, and infrastructure construction needs to start much sooner than later. Graciously offer your organization as a prototype for the entire games, and get your stadium built with sweet, sweet government funds. If things break just right, you will get your stadium, and Eugene will not even get the games, so we will not have to worry about the traffic problems the games will bring.

I know you might be thinking, “Jesus Christ speeding in the carpool lane! This idea is even too bold for you, Bads85!” Well, Allan, I respectfully disagree. First of all the Pan Am games have not been on US soil since 1987 when they were in Indianapolis. What type of socialist bullshit is that? We have a patriotic duty to bring the games home so red blooded Americans can see US athletes dominate sports that cannot even be seen on ESPN Ocho. Secondly, Eugene is the self-proclaimed track and field capital of the world. Tracktown USA deserves the Pan Am Games! Thirdly, think of how many people will see the Emerald’s logo if the Ems are part of the coalition to bring the games to Eugene. We can designate Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events; Eugene Emeralds] as our coalition representative so he can attend the meetings while we brainstorm promotions while sampling Kentucky bourbon like real minor league executives do. 

Yes, I am aware that many details need to be worked out, but I am going to the Cactus League tomorrow, so those will have to wait until my return. I hope I can find my Emeralds’ shirts, especially since I still do not have an Ems’ jersey. I will feel naked when I gird my loins if I cannot find the shirts. One very acceptable solution would be for you to hop on plane to Phoenix with some gear and attend a few games with my desert crew. We have room at the house for a man of your stature.

Boom — I just had another idea. My brain works that way; sometimes it just cannot stop. We should go ahead and print “Eugene: Home of the 2027 Pan American Games” shirts now with your Monarcas de Eugene insignia. The Monarcas symbol could be the symbol of the Pan Am games. I have been meaning to talk to you about your awesome Copa de la Diversión identity for a while.I am an expert on matters like this because all three of my children attended an elementary school named the Mariposa Monarchs, and I was forced to sit through so goddamn many Monarch pageants. 

You need more than a beautiful butterfly to move merchandise. You need a routine that includes kid favorites: dinosaurs and soldiers. Kids love both dinosaurs and soldiers, Allan, they are money in the bank. So imagine this —- the Queen Monarch majestically appears from the outfield gate, and grandma and grandpa in the stands dab their eyes because she is so beautiful. Suddenly, a pack of dinosaurs with huge ass butterfly nets start chasing her. Oh no! The Queen is in danger! However will she be saved? Just then, soldier butterflies storm out of the dugout to defend their Queen. Dinosaurs fall in battle. The crowd ROARS, and every future Copa date is a sellout. Little butterfly soldiers become the top selling stuffed animal in Oregon and BEYOND!

I might call you from the road in the morning. You will probably be on speaker phone, so be clever with your vulgarities.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Call the Mayor. Get chummy with her. Ask her if dinosaurs traveled in packs, Or broods. Or dens. This is a gap in my knowledge, and the internet is no help.

Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

How are your preparations for the upcoming season coming along, especially in regards to my engraved brick? How is the outfield wall shaping up? I do not know if word has reached Myrtle Beach, but I met with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds last weekend, and we pretty much saved minor league baseball over some breakfast cocktails. It was a simple thing, really.

As you know, MLB COVID regulations are preventing MiLB fans and employees from being on the field this season, which essentially kills most between innings promotions, and those are the backbone and soul of MILB. Our solution is simple: MLB has no say what does on outside the stadium, so MiLB teams can implement and videotape the promotions outside the stadium, then play them on the video screen between innings. As you probably deduced, this was my brainchild, and Allan just kind of sat there and said, “This is brilliant,” but since he picked up the bar tab, I am giving him co-credit. After all, he has not sold a hot dog since August, 2019.

So what this means for all of minor league baseball is if a MiLB road veteran were to arrive at stadium to throw out the first pitch, say on June 1st, 2021 at TicketReturn.com Field, he could throw out a “virtual” first pitch in the parking lot or under the water tower, and it could be played inside the stadium to the roar of the crowd. A Knockerball arena could be set up outside the stadium also. Imagine a Knockerball tournament with no ordinary time restraints. Or mascot races that are endurance runs instead of sprints. I am sure the Inland Empire 66ers will have a hobo dodging promotion.

I hope you are not chaffed that I met Allan before you. Business took me through Eugene, and he replies to my missives, so it was rather natural that we began drinking bloody marys and Fireball at some hipster breakfast place he suggested. Plus, he is a High A Ball GM. We did talk a great deal about what a fine organization the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are. If it is any consolation, Allan is not as tall as I thought he would be, and he could use a haircut. He is funny as fuck though. Oh, how we laughed —- but not at the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.

Allan has brought me on board with the Ems to write a column for their program, which means I will probably be his assistant general manager sometime before the start of the 2022 campaign. I told him that I cannot work exclusively for him, and if you wanted me to work for your organization, we would have to work out the particulars. After all, loyalty is important to me, and I knew the Pelicans long before Allan’s Sasquatch started batting its eyes at me. Plus, they do not have a Pirate identity… yet.

Anyway, I need to go because I need to introduce myself to the mayor of Eugene. New stadiums just do not fund themselves. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

We certainly were well met. The Agate Alley Bistro will one day be a National Historic Site because that is where we met and saved minor league baseball. It was a simple thing, really. You generously picked up the check even though you have not sold a goddamn hot dog since August, 2019. That was some heavy lifting as we were about two rounds from drinking through our eyeballs so the glorious alcohol will hit our optic nerves and go straight to our brains. The last time I drank like that with a minor league executive, that guy ended up working for the Tennessee Smokies the next season.

Yesterday is the past however, and we need to get busy with the future. Since I took the liberty to talk my way past the Oregon Ducks’ woeful security at YOUR STADIUM after we went our separate ways, I have a pretty good handle on what needs to be done to take the Emeralds to the dizzy heights of a full season of High A Ball. 

1. Sluggo the Bear has to go. I am sure you think he is a beloved mascot in the the community, but bears are vicious predators. You are opening your organization top for a tort when some little scraggly child wanders off into the woods looking for Sluggo. You can tell your fans a hunter shot Sluggo, the the hunter died of COVID, and that is why we should not wander off into the woods, Kids. The minor leagues are full of emasculated mascots that try to be cute for family appeal. The Ems do not need cute; they need an enigmatic outlaw. Beloved is Pat O’Connor bullshit, and we all know how beloved turned out for him. Plus, Sluggo’s fur is matted and the color of dried phlegm now, so it is cheaper to kill him off than send the costume to the dry cleaners. These are the harsh realities of MiLB these days. 
2. Squatch is your primary mascot, which fits right into your distance promotions. We do not even have to pay labor costs to have a mascot running around the field. We can get some Canadian to sit by a lake and take fuzzy still shots of himself in some Jack Links costume he bought on Amazon.com for $179. This probably will not surprise you, but I know just the guy.
3. Squatch probably needs a backstory that puts a bit of fear in children. A mascot is never fully respected by adults unless it briefly scares the shit out of little kids — but nothing too much. Maybe Squatch should ride a Harley. You should probably put Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events] on this. Based on the signage I saw, this might be the motivation Chris needs to land more accounts. 
4. Do you know Sasquatch’s favorite food? Duck. I am sure my Canadian contact will have no problems chasing ducks in his costume. The more duck your mascot eats, the cleaner the break when you eventually move to your state of the art stadium with ample luxury boxes and a visitors’ clubhouse.
5. You probably should have a few pictures of me around the stadium along with the caption “What would Bads85 do?” This way your fans can say, “Who the fuck is this guy?”

I just realized I forgot to tell you the Billings’ story. A few years ago, the family was in Billings for a game. We went to the park in the morning to see if it was worth going to because Pioneer League parks are suspect. Well, it is certainly worthy, one of the best small parks in the minors. There was a travel ball tournament going on, so we had free rein of the park. I walked into the front offices, which were empty except for one guy a little bit older than me. I introduced myself, and he said he was the general manager and pulled a bottle of Maker’s Mark out of a desk. We had two shots, told a few stories, then moved on with our lives. I went to the front office page that night, and that guy did not work for them. I even called the next day from the road to see who is was, and the girl on the phone thought I was crazy. She was probably correct, but I look for that dude in every park.

I need to rest. I am going back to the Cactus League this week. You should get on a plane to join me this Thursday.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: You are going to get a haircut by Opening Night, right? I ask because I do not have any hair.

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I am sorry I missed the opportunity to go drinking with you in Eugene last night. Instead, I stood in a parking of the new Tru by Hilton, drinking lukewarm Bud Lights with some locals on some sort of work release program. I am sure they were not violent criminals or anything, although they certainly seemed to know a great deal about the Civic Stadium Fire of 2015.

Yes, I should have given you more notice that I was arriving in Eugene last night but in my defense:

1. I thought I was staying in Bend last night, but there was just too much flannel in that town for me to rest my head peacefully on my pillow.
2. I was not expecting to have to first drive through a snowstorm, then a Noah’s Ark type flood to get to Eugene.  I also wasn’t expecting the city to close at 9:00 PM.
3. Life comes at one pretty fast on the minor league circuit, and often there is no time to make concrete plans. Now that your organization has a full season schedule, you will experience this first hand, say like when MLB tells you need to have a new stadium by 2025, or you will be moved to Walla Walla or Yakima.

Hopefully, we will be meeting for bloody marys this fine morning, although as I look over the Willamette River, I see beaver shivering in the cold. Will your staff be joining us for breakfast? I cannot think of a better team building activity than slamming some shots of Jameson with a road warrior like myself.

I am pretty sure I found a possible future stadium site from my hotel window because that is just the way I roll. However,  I am sure there are environmental concerns that must be addressed. How close are you with Mayor Lucy Vinis? Do we consider her an ally or the opposition? What about Governor Kate Brown? It is good to have pocket in your pocket when pushing for public funds for stadium construction. Sure, in a perfect world, we would push for a privately funded stadium, but we both know the Elmore Sports Mafia does not have that kind of liquidity so it is up to the good citizens of Eugene and Springdale to foot the bill for a modern stadium that will be the gold standard of MiLB parks.

Here are some must haves for our new stadium:

1. A statue of you and I outside the front gate with cocktails in our hand. After all, it was out vision that brought this park to fruition.
2. Corporate luxury boxes so the good people of Nike do not have to interact with the peasants.
3. Sasquatch stadium bars on pavilions by both foul polls.
4. A visitor’s clubhouse.
5. A giant team store that is also a Fed Ex Drop Box so your organization does not have to rely on the Pony Express anymore to deliver its team merchandise.

Anyway, let’s eat.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Friend. My extensive travels will be bringing me to Eugene sooner than later as that is the way things often work on the minor league circuit. If things go as planned, I should be rolling into Eugene around March 18th. I certainly hope your team store is open because I need to reload on Ems’ gear. I figured it would be quicker to drive to your team store than wait for the gear to arrive in the mail, Since I am fully COVID vaccinated, perhaps we can discuss your organization’s transition from short season ball to the grind of a full season of High A Ball. If that discussion takes place, it is MiLB code that we have to have a shot or two. 

You might be thinking, “Bads85, just what are you coming to Eugene when the baseball season does not start until May? Well, I have that business of getting a Triple A stadium built in Boise, so I have to meet a couple guy named Augustus and Ezra about some unconventional financing earlier in the week in Caldwell, then I though I would slide over through Oregon and catch a Ducks’ baseball game at your park. 

Unfortunately, it appears the NCAA has not heard I am fully vaxxed, and it not letting fans attend games yet. At first I had a sad, but then I thought, “You know, Allan can get me past those COVID restrictions because he runs the place. I bet he can get me seats in a luxury box! And if COVID restrictions have his hands tied, he can just make me an employee because he wants to do that anyway.”

I know you are hiring at this time because your organization sent me an email this morning recruiting me to come work for them. Since your picture was part of that email, I assumed that you were speaking to me directly. Yes, Allan, I will work for you remotely as my financial advisor has made it quite clear I cannot relocate to Oregon at this juncture in my life. Besides, it is not best I am around the office too much as your staff will come to work hungover way too often. 

I think my title should be Special Advisor to Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]. Perhaps you could get some business cards presented before I arrive, and then give them to me so I can show Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and Ryan Moore [President, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. That official title is kind of clunky, so I will just refer to myself as Special Advisor to Allan.

My first bit of advice to you is to contact Obvious Shirts, and have them print you some killer shirts. I am sure you have heard of them as they are signed with your former affiliation, plus you you have probably seen me modeling their ware on social media. in case you haven’t, they excel in producing t-shirts with one line quips, plus their t-shirts are so, so soft. Here are some ideas (the image of Squatch will be on the front of the shirt):

My foot is bigger than yours. 

No, that is not a tree trunk in my hand; I am just happy to see you. 

The Land of the Free. The Home of the Squatch.

I eat vegans.

Hey Gurl….

Squatch is the word.

Don’t ask me for freebies.

Lost items that have been turned in may be retrieved at the Information Booth, behind Section 5.

First Aid is located on the concourse level. If you should need first aid, please contact the nearest usher for assistance.

Those last three are for employees shirts to wear at games to assist fans and cut down on dumb questions.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you soon. Remember, you will be the first minor league executive I visit this season, which will look really good on your resume’. I am going to tell other organizations that this is an interview situation, albeit a formality.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Joe Johnson {Owner; Obvious Shirts]:

Good day, Sir. You and I have a great deal in common, but this is not a personal letter, and time is short, so the friendly chit chat is going to have to wait for another occasion. I need personal. shirts, and I need them rather quickly. You see, like you, I have ideas of what should be on a t-shirt. In 2019, I came up with one of the greatest t-shirt slogans for the Fayetteville Woodpeckers of the now defunct Carolina League. “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” was the rallying cry on the shirt, a cry that should have echoed throughout the land, but upper management refused to run with the idea because they worship at the alter of RIGID FAMILY VALUES.

A local t-shirt place printed the shirts, but they never really took off because the proprietors lacked the vision you seem to have. Do not worry; I seek no partnership with you (I know how things went in Arizona). I am spiritually wealthy since I am the somewhat official Thirty Thursday Ambassador of the minor leagues. Financial compensation really does not interest me, unless of course, we are talking shit tons of revenue being generated.

I just need shirts with my ideas on them. Sure, I could go to any local place to get this done, but your shirts are of high qualify and so, so soft. I should know because I purchased one recently from my good friends at the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. I recently wore it to a Cactus League game at Sloan Park. Your social media department seemed to like the photos, although that might have been because I am quite the piece of eye candy.

Anyway, I am tentatively scheduled to throw out a first pitch in Myrtle Beach on June 1st, and the Pelicans are placing a brick engraved with my moniker in their stadium as an appreciation of my assistance during these bleak times. I am bringing a rather rugged crew of road warriors with me, and we need seven shirts that say, “Hunter Horenstein is My Friend”, and one shirt that says “Don’t @ Me, Hunter Horenstein!” Oh, and another that says, “Where is Nick?” This should be the social event of the season in Myrtle Beach, so if you are in town, you more than welcome to join us for some SHOTS! and brats.

I have some ideas for the Low A West (formerly the California League):

Fresno Grizzlies: Good Girls Go to Heaven. Bad Girls Go to Taco Trucks.
Inland Empire 66ers: Where the Beautiful People Come to Games. Except All Those Ugly Folk.
Lake Elsinore Storm: We Have Been Living Off a Creative Design for Almost Thirty Years.
Modesto Nuts: Whose Nuts? DEEZ NUTS!
Rancho Cucamonga Quakes: Where Fun Goes To Die.
San Jose Giants: Big League Population. Minor League Stadium.
Stockton: At Least We Aren’t San Bernardino!
Visalia Rawhide: Come For the Tattoo. Stay for the Game.

As a minor league lifer who has traveled throughout the circuit for so many years, I could be the  creative force that allows you to tap into that fertile, but mostly untouched minor league market. Oh, the virgin fields we could plow, Joe! We could steal the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and go on tour. Well, you could because this face is too pretty for prison. Perhaps I would meet you at some venues along the way, but probably not. I am kind of a big deal, and pretty high in demand by front offices in desperate need of increased revenues.

Here are some other ideas are sure to be big hits with MiLB front offices.

$4 Beers Aren’t Thirsty Thursday.
Taco Tuesdays Are Not Much Without Tequila Specials.
Our Mascot Can Beat Up Your Mascot.
Extra Innings Should Negate Last Call
Hunter Horenstein: Assistant GM of the Near Future.

You are probably wondering, “”Just who is this smoke jumper of the Devil’s arcade who is going to make it rain sweet, sweet cash for my company?” Well, Joe, I really do not have time to explain that right now as I am charged with bringing Triple A ball to Boise, Idaho via a privately financed stadium. You are just going to have to trust me on this, and remember trust is a two way street, and I need some t-shirts for Myrtle Beach.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

Dear Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Oh, how your most recent missive warmed the cockles of my heart! It was almost as if you were writing directly to me instead of creating a form letter for all the season ticket holders of the Inland Empire 66ers! Almost. Sign me up for that full season ticket package. Give me ALL THE GAMES, even though my travels will take me elsewhere on certain dates.

I do have some burning questions that your missive created:

1.    You mention the 12 foot buffer between the dugout and the fans that Bobby Manfred’s goons are enforcing this year. That could be very problematic since San Manuel is famous for its dugout bar (and the ruggedly handsome fans who drink at that bar). Where does that buffer zone start? Please, please tell me The Garage will still be open this season. If not, has construction started on new bar, preferably one that faces the field and has TVs larger than a computer monitor? WHERE WILL I BE ABLE TO GET MY FIREBALL?

2.   I think there is a typo in your letter. You state that aluminum beers will be $4.00 on Thirsty Thursday. I think that was supposed to be $2.25 for REALLY LARGE DOMESTIC DRAFTS, including Michelob Ultra drafts this year. A $4.00 aluminum is going to anger both the baseball and drinking gods. Have we not suffered enough in the last year? When I was a young man, Thirsty Thursday at Fiscalini Field meant $2.00, 64 ounce pitchers of Coors Light. Passing out before the seventh in stretch in the left field bleachers was a rite of passage for the youths of San Bernardino.

3.   Another omission was Fireball Ball Friday as part of 50 Cent Friday. There is also no mention of draft beer prices that night. Will there be draft beer at San Manuel Stadium this season? Have COVID restrictions robbed of us of that also? I waited hours twice to get THE VAX so I could drink draft beer at minor league stadiums. Hopefully I did not wait in vain.

4.   I do approve of the $5.00 margaritas on Tuesdays. It is not too late to add a tequila shooter special. If there are COVID restrictions on SHOTS!, well then, little airplane bottles of booze will have to do.

5.   I see the 66ers are having a Negro Leagues Night. You will probably get a bunch of Wisenheimers asking what the Negro Leagues have to do with the Inland Empire, and the correct answer is that the rail yards of Old Berdoo had a collection of vibrant baseball fields because baseball was immensely popular with train workers, and San Bernardino was one of the largest rail hubs in the West. It was very common for barnstorming teams traveling by train to play the rail yard teams when passing through The Dino. Some of these barnstorming teams were African American teams coming to the West Coast to play baseball in the winter. True story. Drop that on GM Joe next time he is grumpy about your work performance.

6.    Since there are no games on Mondays this season, perhaps you should Major League Mondays where fans can come to San Manuel Stadium and watch MLB games on the big screen and drink beer and dine from a limited menu. I can hear upper management chirping about labor costs, but that sound is drowned out by the ringing of the cash register, and I have credit card receipts to prove it. I bet Major League Mondays would be more profitable that that Dog in the Parks silliness of years past.

7.    What safeguards will be in place to ensure people follow COVID guidelines? Even though I have been VAXXED, I don’t want any peasants sniffing around my section. I would suggest firehoses, especially with Quakes’ fans. I would put those Quakes’ fans as far away from normal people as possible. Yes, I know you are probably most worried about my dear Section 102, but just offer us bottle service, and I think we will not want to roam.

8.     Will there still be between inning promotions? Maybe they can be filmed elsewhere on the premises, then broadcast on the big screen. Mascot races in the parking lot where little kids not only have to beat Bernie, but avoid hobos passing through. Or pre-record the promotions and blow shit up. Slick can die a different creative way for every game. I don’t know what we are going to do about Knocker Ball though. Or the hog dog launches. 

9.      Do people with VAX cards get to stand in a special, shorter concession line?

10.   You know, when we finally get to go to baseball games again, the heckling is going to be intense since everyone has been cooped up for so long. I was reading though some of my narratives from the 2014 66ers season, and perhaps my most devastating heckle during a quiet night when Bacon’s Hag’s phone when off, and she answered it, and started yelling something about “You can’t have him yet!” She left to go to the concourse to finish whatever witch transaction she was involved with (I am sure many newts were required), and I somberly called out to the batter, “Jacob, that was God calling. He wants your soul back.” It brought down the house. Jacob struck out, and an eagle flew over head. Maybe it was a hawk. Maybe it was a a turkey vulture. Whatever it was, we felt patriotic.

Anyway, I need to go. I will call you when your office opens later to finalize the deal.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Did you know that the all time favorite 66ers manager, Denny Hocking, is at the helm of the Modesto Nuts?

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I would like to offer you my deepest condolences my as your organization has been handcuffed to the San Francisco Giants for at least the next ten years. Since this is just two grizzled minor league veterans speaking, we can keep it real here. Finding out that the illustrious Eugene Emeralds had been assigned to the Giants was probably very much like cutting into a wedding cake to see hoards of cockroaches scurry from the cake. I am sure you stoically endured the sharp blow to the gonads without letting the word know of your hurt because the professional in you commands it. I want you to know I am here for you for emotional support, even though you will never publicly show your disappointment.

It pains me that one of the brightest names of MiLB is now associated with the Giants. I would suggest an immediate rebranding before the Giants hire a sniper to take out Sasquatch. I humbly suggest a name that suggests a subtle rebuke to the new MiLB landscape: The Eugene Shovel Asses. This is a new insult I have been working into my oral vernacular with great success. Divisions in this country have rendered most insults overused and ineffective. Some even are embraced as badges of honor. Others are deemed politically incorrect. Sometimes a simple bit of the unexpected gets through the fog.

Hey Shovel Ass, put on your mask.
Hey Shovel Ass, 15 items or less in this line.
Hey Shovel Ass, your dog just shat on my lawn.
No, Shovel Ass, I don’t think my online persona is obnoxious or abrasive.

Me: Hey, Shovel Ass, you just took my parking space.
Him: Did you just call me “Shovel Ass?”
Me. Yes, I did, Shovel Ass.
Him: What does that even mean?
Me: Think about it, Shovel Ass. I am sure it will come to you.

Every time the Shovel Asses take the field, it will a shot across Bobby Manfred’s brow.

Or maybe you are not ready to go that route yet, something I completely understand. After all, you are now dealing with a full season, so there is no easing into the season like in years past. COVID seems to have trimmed your staff. Hopefully, most of them will be back soon, but I do offer you my services as a full season Thirsty Thursday Ambassador and cutting edge promotion genius. A full season means you have to concentrate more on getting people to the park more than once, and the best way to do that is too slash beer prices and make up the profits with top shelf liquor.

COVID prevented me from throwing out a first pitch at PK Park, but now that I have THE VAX, I plan on traveling to Eugene very soon. I am tentatively scheduled to throw out a first pitch at the June 1st Myrtle Beach Pelicans game. They are also putting a brick with my name on it in their stadium as a thank you for my support. Rumor has it it they are going to throw a surprise parade for me also. I do not know if I can get to Eugene before then for a game, but I will certainly be up there this summer. I plan on wearing the Ems’ face mask while throwing out the first pitch in Myrtle Beach though. Ryan and Hunter do not know it yet, but I will be the one selecting the music for the entire game that evening. Of course you are invited to sit with my traveling companions to exchange TALES OF THE ROAD.

So what can you tell me about the stadium in Pasco? It is the only stadium in the High A West that I have not been to mainly because Pasco is about two miles from ABSOLUTE NOWHERE. Plus, their mascot scares the shit out of me — literally. That supposed dust devil looks like something that would be in a fecal incontinence commercial. Naming your team after top soil erosion that is stripped from Mother Earth because of high winds is a dubious prospect at best, but putting a face on a twisty turd really was a a design fail.

Oh well. We all cannot be the Emeralds. Or the Shovel Asses.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85