Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I have excellent news. The Emeralds’ Sasquatch COVID shirts were a rousing success in the Cactus League this past weekend. So, so many people complimented me on the shirts, especially the “There is No Covid in Baseball” one. I cannot count the old ladies who tried to touch my chest. You see, that is how one builds a brand — boots on the ground in real time. Sasquatch touched people’s souls this weekend in Arizona, Allan. When the old ladies want to touch your Squatch, you are winning hearts and minds. I am not so sure if social media can ever match that type of human touch, which is why next year you should send your entire staff to the Cactus League. We can rent a house, and do all sorts of team bonding activities like keg stands, and —- that it is it, keg stands. No Jello shots or trust falls. I bet you could get the San Francisco Giants to finance the trip if you asked nicely.
I have even better news. I checked flights to Eugene for the Emeralds’ home opener, and my financial advisor says it is doable. Being the wizened minor league veteran I am, I realize that the home opener is a very busy time for your staff, so there will not be much time for social interaction with you or your staff, but I will be busy hobnobbing with the local mayors and city council members of Eugene and Springfield, so it is not like I will have a great deal of time to interact with your staff. The burning question is do you have the courage to hand me a live microphone, and lay me down in the tall grass and let me do my stuff?
Have you invited Governor Kate Brown to the home opener yet? She loves baseball, but loathes the idea of public monies being used to build stadiums. However, we can probably convince her to exert pressure on corporations to help finance the cathedral of our dreams. Give me a few innings in the VIP suite with her and the other local politicians, and I will MAKE MAGIC HAPPEN. I could be even coerced to wear suit and an emerald tie. If you need any assistance inviting politicians to the home opener, I am your man. Once upon a time, former US Senator Barbara “Babs” Boxer and I had something going on.
How is the promotional schedule progressing? It is a big jump to a full season, and you do not want to be pre-empted by those yahoos in Hillsboro. Since promotional funds will initially be limited, we have to be creative with our promotions. As you have probably deduced, I have a knack at coming up with those. Here are some suggestions:
- “Release the Frustration Bobblehead Night”: Fans are invited to bring their old bobbleheads to PK Park where’re they will be encouraged to crush them with glee to realize any lingering COVID frustrations. Many fans have lame bobbleheads at home they received in past promotions designed by people who now work in retail. The only cost is minimal labor as your staff hones their sweeping skills. If we cannot afford that, perhaps we can have a bonfire in the parking lot. Surely lighter fluid is not that expensive in Eugene.
- “Bring Your Stuffed Animal to the Park”: Any kid or adult who brings a stuffed animal to park receives a dollar of their admission. Lil Johnny and Sassy Susie will love the opportunity to sit with their stuffed animal and watch baseball. No furries though. Too much possibility of pervs showing up.
- “Bring Your Coloring Book to the Ballpark Night”: Children and front office staff members of the Hillsboro Hops are invited to bring their favorite coloring books to the park, color their little fingers to the bone, and give Sluggo their favorite pics (if we have not killed off Sluggo yet).
- “Failed Lottery Ticket Night”: Previously unlucky fans bring their failed lottery tickets to the game and receive $2.00 off admission. We will have another bonfire in the seventh inning after Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events] takes the the lottery tickets to the nearest 7/11to see if there are any winners.
- Hunter Horenstein Night: The Eugene Emeralds will recognize MiLB’s most lovable scamp. Fans will receive nothing more than learning who Hunter is, but that is the wealth of ten kings.
You should see a pattern emerging here, Allan, even if you started drinking early like every great MiLB executive does on a Monday. One, we get the fans to bring the promotions to the park, and two, fire. This season, we should embrace the “If you burn it, they will come” angle of marketing.
I need to run. I need to make my acquaintance with some other High A West League teams since I have deemed myself the new league ombudsman.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: How are the Pan American Game T-shirts coming along?