Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Good day, Friend. My extensive travels will be bringing me to Eugene sooner than later as that is the way things often work on the minor league circuit. If things go as planned, I should be rolling into Eugene around March 18th. I certainly hope your team store is open because I need to reload on Ems’ gear. I figured it would be quicker to drive to your team store than wait for the gear to arrive in the mail, Since I am fully COVID vaccinated, perhaps we can discuss your organization’s transition from short season ball to the grind of a full season of High A Ball. If that discussion takes place, it is MiLB code that we have to have a shot or two.
You might be thinking, “Bads85, just what are you coming to Eugene when the baseball season does not start until May? Well, I have that business of getting a Triple A stadium built in Boise, so I have to meet a couple guy named Augustus and Ezra about some unconventional financing earlier in the week in Caldwell, then I though I would slide over through Oregon and catch a Ducks’ baseball game at your park.
Unfortunately, it appears the NCAA has not heard I am fully vaxxed, and it not letting fans attend games yet. At first I had a sad, but then I thought, “You know, Allan can get me past those COVID restrictions because he runs the place. I bet he can get me seats in a luxury box! And if COVID restrictions have his hands tied, he can just make me an employee because he wants to do that anyway.”
I know you are hiring at this time because your organization sent me an email this morning recruiting me to come work for them. Since your picture was part of that email, I assumed that you were speaking to me directly. Yes, Allan, I will work for you remotely as my financial advisor has made it quite clear I cannot relocate to Oregon at this juncture in my life. Besides, it is not best I am around the office too much as your staff will come to work hungover way too often.
I think my title should be Special Advisor to Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]. Perhaps you could get some business cards presented before I arrive, and then give them to me so I can show Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and Ryan Moore [President, Myrtle Beach Pelicans]. That official title is kind of clunky, so I will just refer to myself as Special Advisor to Allan.
My first bit of advice to you is to contact Obvious Shirts, and have them print you some killer shirts. I am sure you have heard of them as they are signed with your former affiliation, plus you you have probably seen me modeling their ware on social media. in case you haven’t, they excel in producing t-shirts with one line quips, plus their t-shirts are so, so soft. Here are some ideas (the image of Squatch will be on the front of the shirt):
My foot is bigger than yours.
No, that is not a tree trunk in my hand; I am just happy to see you.
The Land of the Free. The Home of the Squatch.
I eat vegans.
Squatch is the word.
Don’t ask me for freebies.
Lost items that have been turned in may be retrieved at the Information Booth, behind Section 5.
First Aid is located on the concourse level. If you should need first aid, please contact the nearest usher for assistance.
Those last three are for employees shirts to wear at games to assist fans and cut down on dumb questions.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing you soon. Remember, you will be the first minor league executive I visit this season, which will look really good on your resume’. I am going to tell other organizations that this is an interview situation, albeit a formality.
Your friend in baseball,