Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
How are your preparations for the upcoming season coming along, especially in regards to my engraved brick? How is the outfield wall shaping up? I do not know if word has reached Myrtle Beach, but I met with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds last weekend, and we pretty much saved minor league baseball over some breakfast cocktails. It was a simple thing, really.
As you know, MLB COVID regulations are preventing MiLB fans and employees from being on the field this season, which essentially kills most between innings promotions, and those are the backbone and soul of MILB. Our solution is simple: MLB has no say what does on outside the stadium, so MiLB teams can implement and videotape the promotions outside the stadium, then play them on the video screen between innings. As you probably deduced, this was my brainchild, and Allan just kind of sat there and said, “This is brilliant,” but since he picked up the bar tab, I am giving him co-credit. After all, he has not sold a hot dog since August, 2019.
So what this means for all of minor league baseball is if a MiLB road veteran were to arrive at stadium to throw out the first pitch, say on June 1st, 2021 at TicketReturn.com Field, he could throw out a “virtual” first pitch in the parking lot or under the water tower, and it could be played inside the stadium to the roar of the crowd. A Knockerball arena could be set up outside the stadium also. Imagine a Knockerball tournament with no ordinary time restraints. Or mascot races that are endurance runs instead of sprints. I am sure the Inland Empire 66ers will have a hobo dodging promotion.
I hope you are not chaffed that I met Allan before you. Business took me through Eugene, and he replies to my missives, so it was rather natural that we began drinking bloody marys and Fireball at some hipster breakfast place he suggested. Plus, he is a High A Ball GM. We did talk a great deal about what a fine organization the Myrtle Beach Pelicans are. If it is any consolation, Allan is not as tall as I thought he would be, and he could use a haircut. He is funny as fuck though. Oh, how we laughed —- but not at the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.
Allan has brought me on board with the Ems to write a column for their program, which means I will probably be his assistant general manager sometime before the start of the 2022 campaign. I told him that I cannot work exclusively for him, and if you wanted me to work for your organization, we would have to work out the particulars. After all, loyalty is important to me, and I knew the Pelicans long before Allan’s Sasquatch started batting its eyes at me. Plus, they do not have a Pirate identity… yet.
Anyway, I need to go because I need to introduce myself to the mayor of Eugene. New stadiums just do not fund themselves.
Your friend in baseball,