Dear Allan Benavides: [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Dude, I just figured out how to get you a new baseball stadium. I must tell you though, coming up with all these solutions for you is taxing work. On most days, the most anguished decision in my life is, “Should I have a blue or red Slurpee?” You have me worried about environmental impacts, economic studies, and researching dirty politicians. It is a labor of love though, and as you know, I am a giver.
Here is my solution: convince Mayor Lucy Vinis that her fair city of Eugene needs to host the 2027 Pan American Games, and infrastructure construction needs to start much sooner than later. Graciously offer your organization as a prototype for the entire games, and get your stadium built with sweet, sweet government funds. If things break just right, you will get your stadium, and Eugene will not even get the games, so we will not have to worry about the traffic problems the games will bring.
I know you might be thinking, “Jesus Christ speeding in the carpool lane! This idea is even too bold for you, Bads85!” Well, Allan, I respectfully disagree. First of all the Pan Am games have not been on US soil since 1987 when they were in Indianapolis. What type of socialist bullshit is that? We have a patriotic duty to bring the games home so red blooded Americans can see US athletes dominate sports that cannot even be seen on ESPN Ocho. Secondly, Eugene is the self-proclaimed track and field capital of the world. Tracktown USA deserves the Pan Am Games! Thirdly, think of how many people will see the Emerald’s logo if the Ems are part of the coalition to bring the games to Eugene. We can designate Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events; Eugene Emeralds] as our coalition representative so he can attend the meetings while we brainstorm promotions while sampling Kentucky bourbon like real minor league executives do.
Yes, I am aware that many details need to be worked out, but I am going to the Cactus League tomorrow, so those will have to wait until my return. I hope I can find my Emeralds’ shirts, especially since I still do not have an Ems’ jersey. I will feel naked when I gird my loins if I cannot find the shirts. One very acceptable solution would be for you to hop on plane to Phoenix with some gear and attend a few games with my desert crew. We have room at the house for a man of your stature.
Boom — I just had another idea. My brain works that way; sometimes it just cannot stop. We should go ahead and print “Eugene: Home of the 2027 Pan American Games” shirts now with your Monarcas de Eugene insignia. The Monarcas symbol could be the symbol of the Pan Am games. I have been meaning to talk to you about your awesome Copa de la Diversión identity for a while.I am an expert on matters like this because all three of my children attended an elementary school named the Mariposa Monarchs, and I was forced to sit through so goddamn many Monarch pageants.
You need more than a beautiful butterfly to move merchandise. You need a routine that includes kid favorites: dinosaurs and soldiers. Kids love both dinosaurs and soldiers, Allan, they are money in the bank. So imagine this —- the Queen Monarch majestically appears from the outfield gate, and grandma and grandpa in the stands dab their eyes because she is so beautiful. Suddenly, a pack of dinosaurs with huge ass butterfly nets start chasing her. Oh no! The Queen is in danger! However will she be saved? Just then, soldier butterflies storm out of the dugout to defend their Queen. Dinosaurs fall in battle. The crowd ROARS, and every future Copa date is a sellout. Little butterfly soldiers become the top selling stuffed animal in Oregon and BEYOND!
I might call you from the road in the morning. You will probably be on speaker phone, so be clever with your vulgarities.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Call the Mayor. Get chummy with her. Ask her if dinosaurs traveled in packs, Or broods. Or dens. This is a gap in my knowledge, and the internet is no help.