Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
We certainly were well met. The Agate Alley Bistro will one day be a National Historic Site because that is where we met and saved minor league baseball. It was a simple thing, really. You generously picked up the check even though you have not sold a goddamn hot dog since August, 2019. That was some heavy lifting as we were about two rounds from drinking through our eyeballs so the glorious alcohol will hit our optic nerves and go straight to our brains. The last time I drank like that with a minor league executive, that guy ended up working for the Tennessee Smokies the next season.
Yesterday is the past however, and we need to get busy with the future. Since I took the liberty to talk my way past the Oregon Ducks’ woeful security at YOUR STADIUM after we went our separate ways, I have a pretty good handle on what needs to be done to take the Emeralds to the dizzy heights of a full season of High A Ball.
- Sluggo the Bear has to go. I am sure you think he is a beloved mascot in the the community, but bears are vicious predators. You are opening your organization top for a tort when some little scraggly child wanders off into the woods looking for Sluggo. You can tell your fans a hunter shot Sluggo, the the hunter died of COVID, and that is why we should not wander off into the woods, Kids. The minor leagues are full of emasculated mascots that try to be cute for family appeal. The Ems do not need cute; they need an enigmatic outlaw. Beloved is Pat O’Connor bullshit, and we all know how beloved turned out for him. Plus, Sluggo’s fur is matted and the color of dried phlegm now, so it is cheaper to kill him off than send the costume to the dry cleaners. These are the harsh realities of MiLB these days.
- Squatch is your primary mascot, which fits right into your distance promotions. We do not even have to pay labor costs to have a mascot running around the field. We can get some Canadian to sit by a lake and take fuzzy still shots of himself in some Jack Links costume he bought on Amazon.com for $179. This probably will not surprise you, but I know just the guy.
- Squatch probably needs a backstory that puts a bit of fear in children. A mascot is never fully respected by adults unless it briefly scares the shit out of little kids — but nothing too much. Maybe Squatch should ride a Harley. You should probably put Chris Bowers [Director of Corporate Events] on this. Based on the signage I saw, this might be the motivation Chris needs to land more accounts.
- Do you know Sasquatch’s favorite food? Duck. I am sure my Canadian contact will have no problems chasing ducks in his costume. The more duck your mascot eats, the cleaner the break when you eventually move to your state of the art stadium with ample luxury boxes and a visitors’ clubhouse.
- You probably should have a few pictures of me around the stadium along with the caption “What would Bads85 do?” This way your fans can say, “Who the fuck is this guy?”
I just realized I forgot to tell you the Billings’ story. A few years ago, the family was in Billings for a game. We went to the park in the morning to see if it was worth going to because Pioneer League parks are suspect. Well, it is certainly worthy, one of the best small parks in the minors. There was a travel ball tournament going on, so we had free rein of the park. I walked into the front offices, which were empty except for one guy a little bit older than me. I introduced myself, and he said he was the general manager and pulled a bottle of Maker’s Mark out of a desk. We had two shots, told a few stories, then moved on with our lives. I went to the front office page that night, and that guy did not work for them. I even called the next day from the road to see who is was, and the girl on the phone thought I was crazy. She was probably correct, but I look for that dude in every park.
I need to rest. I am going back to the Cactus League this week. You should get on a plane to join me this Thursday.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: You are going to get a haircut by Opening Night, right? I ask because I do not have any hair.