Category Archives: Uncategorized

A fat person could finish a marathon in a shorter time than it takes the Yankees and Red Sox to finish a nine inning game. Fortunately, New Era released a hysterical new Alec Baldwin/John Kransinski commercial. This almost makes suffering through Bob Costas worthwhile. Almost.

From FUBAR Sports

Costas fancies himself a Luke Skywalker, taking on Sith Lord Selig’s Empire in order to restore the Old Republic in which Mickey Mantle was king. However, the diminutive Jedi wannabe pitched an episode of Punky Brewster during the play by play action as the 1997 World Series raced towards its climax, which greatly reduced his street cred as a champion fighting to save baseball from corporate invasion. Some sins are just unforgivable.

Costas has morphed from a traditionalist to a nostalgic, and since those cultists are irrelevant, there really is no sense poking fun at him anymore. However, Costas took a break from his complaining about the pace of tonight’s Red Sox/Yankees’ game to get in a dig abut Moneyball when Nick Swisher was at the plate. While history has decimated Billy Beane’s 2002 draft, Moneyball is still one of the most misunderstood baseball books ever written because the nostalgics and traditionalists refuse to acknowledge any sort of new thought in baseball. They would rather use the 2002 draft as an excuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater so they can continue their wait without interruption for the next Roy Hobbs to walk off a farm into the majors.

Oh well, the world will always have kooks.

Yesterday: +110; Season Total: +1448 — it is easy to win when it is fake money.

Today’s Picks: Boston (Lester) -210 over Yanks
Angels (Santana) -170 over Mariners

The Cleveland Indians are now advertising. “Memories start for just eight dollars!” In the ad is a multicultural sampling of cute kids at Indians’ games. What the ad doesn’t say is that those of memories of pain, frustration, desolation, and despair. However, Jack Hannahan, the Indians’ most productive free agent this season, ensured that Wednesday night’s game wouldn’t be one of those memories with two home runs and the Walk Off RBI. The game only took sixteen innings and 512 total pitches to determine the final outcome because that is the way the Indians roll these days.

Stat of the Day: Jack Hannahan has almost as much WAR as Ryan Howard because Hannahan can play excellent defense and Howard can’t.

The win ensured that Ozzie Guillen is once again looking up at the Indians’s asses. “We still play them eight times, four times in their digs,” said a nonchalant Guillen. “For just eight dollars, Tribe fans can have suffering that lasts a lifetime.”

In other news, Orlando Cabrera was not in the Giants’ lineup today, and the Giants scored four runs for the first time in seven games.

Yesterday +100. Yearly total +1338.

Today’s Picks: Mariners/Angels over 6.0 for $100. Yes, it is Haren versus Hernandez, but I can’t let a total of six slip by without betting the over.

Tampa (Shields) +110 over Texas.

Brewers/Cards over 9.0

Matt LaPorta was optioned to AAA today with one week left in the International League’s season. “What the hell did we do to deserve that?” demanded Columbus Clippers’ manager Mike Sarbaugh. “We’ve had a good season, but now we get punished. This professions sucks.”

When asked if this demotion was a punitive slap to LaPorta’s face, Indians’ GM Chris Antonetti replied, “No, that is impossible. You can’t slap a guy in the face when his head has been surgically implanted up his ass. Those Chinese doctors did a number on him when he was drilled in the Olympics. Hey, did you see Alex White get torched the other night? I am not so dumb today, am I?”

Meanwhile, the Hitless Wonders managed to explode for six runs to defeat the hapless Oakland A’s as Carlos Santana hit his 21st homerun. “Just call me Boom Boom,” said Santana after that game. “I just want to have a higher OPS than Asdrubal Cabrera. The way Cabrera is scuffling, Fukudome will also.”

Indians OPS Leaders through 8/30:

Cabrera: .809
Santana: .798
Fukudome: .734

Sometimes gamblers get hot. This is one of those times. Yesterday +200. Year Total: +1238.

Today’s Picks:
Boston (Lackey) +150 over Yankees. Sabathia has yet to master the Red Sox consistently.
Phillies (Halladay) -200 over Reds
Indians/A’s under 8.5 for $100.

Yesterday: 100% success, +300. Yearly Total: +1018

Today’s Picks: Dodgers (Kershaw) -165 over Padres
White Sox (Buehrle) -210 over Twins. The Sox march for the Division has started.

The music stopped for the Cleveland Indians Sunday, leaving only the sound of Eric Wedge’s insane cackling as his team laid down for the the Chicago White Sox this weekend, allowing them to move past the Tribe in the standings. Wedge’s Mariners only scored five runs this weekend after scoring twenty-nine against the Tribe in their series. “Look, the Indians are going to die on their own,” said a smug Wedge, “but if any suffering we can add to that death makes my heart swell with pride. Mark my words, as I long as I breathe, the Indians will never make the post season. The Curse of Colavito will look like Club Med compared to the Curse of the Wedge.”

“This is a major setback for us,” said owner Larry Dolan. “Our promotion to dangle playoff tickets as a ruse to convince people to drop a down payment for next year’s season tickets is now dead in the water. Jim Thome is only going to put seats in the stands for a short time. This means more Dollar Dog Nights, and people are getting wise to that. Those dogs suck. Stadium Mustard only masks so much. Maybe we could have an Andre Ethier Bobblehead night to trick people in thinking that we have an interest in bringing him here.”

Yesterday: -220. Yearly total: +718.

Today’s Picks: Time to load up on the favorites.

Milwaukee (Grienke) -265 over Chicago
Reds (Cueto) -165 over Nats
Arizona (Kennedy) -150 over Pads

Asdrubal Cabrera went to Confession Saturday morning and broke out of his slump in Saturday night’s 8-7 victory over the hapless Kansas City Royals. “It is much easier to swing the bat without a heavy soul,” said a somber Cabrera after the game. “I hadn’t been a nice person lately, taking my frustrations out on the homeless, the small, fury creatures on the way to the ballpark, and Carlos Sanata. Because my moral fortitude was weakening, I was not able to hit. When I realized I was jealous the ovations Jim Thome was receiving, I knew it was time to see a priest. Eighty-three Hail Marys later, my heart was light again.”

Manny Acta emulated a competent MLB manager and batted in Kosuke Fukudome in the leadoff spot Saturday night. Fukudome responded by smacking a double, drawing two walks, and scoring two runs. “Every day I grow fonder of this city,” said Fukudome. “The reception given to Jim Thome was amazing. This city was ecstatic that one of their gods actually returned here. Their cheers were thunderous celebrations of the past, soehting this city does very well. It came to my attention that management is bringing back past ballplayers all summer long to celebrate, well, I am not sure what they are celebrating, but they keep bringing them back. The other night Scott Bailes was in the STO broadcast booth. That guy was awful, but they brought him back. Maybe he supplied the cocaine for the clubhouse. If they were willing to bring him back, I bet they will have me back for a week one day. I look forward to that very much.”