Asdrubal Cabrera went to Confession Saturday morning and broke out of his slump in Saturday night’s 8-7 victory over the hapless Kansas City Royals. “It is much easier to swing the bat without a heavy soul,” said a somber Cabrera after the game. “I hadn’t been a nice person lately, taking my frustrations out on the homeless, the small, fury creatures on the way to the ballpark, and Carlos Sanata. Because my moral fortitude was weakening, I was not able to hit. When I realized I was jealous the ovations Jim Thome was receiving, I knew it was time to see a priest. Eighty-three Hail Marys later, my heart was light again.”
Manny Acta emulated a competent MLB manager and batted in Kosuke Fukudome in the leadoff spot Saturday night. Fukudome responded by smacking a double, drawing two walks, and scoring two runs. “Every day I grow fonder of this city,” said Fukudome. “The reception given to Jim Thome was amazing. This city was ecstatic that one of their gods actually returned here. Their cheers were thunderous celebrations of the past, soehting this city does very well. It came to my attention that management is bringing back past ballplayers all summer long to celebrate, well, I am not sure what they are celebrating, but they keep bringing them back. The other night Scott Bailes was in the STO broadcast booth. That guy was awful, but they brought him back. Maybe he supplied the cocaine for the clubhouse. If they were willing to bring him back, I bet they will have me back for a week one day. I look forward to that very much.”
Dead Religions 