Matt LaPorta was optioned to AAA today with one week left in the International League’s season. “What the hell did we do to deserve that?” demanded Columbus Clippers’ manager Mike Sarbaugh. “We’ve had a good season, but now we get punished. This professions sucks.”
When asked if this demotion was a punitive slap to LaPorta’s face, Indians’ GM Chris Antonetti replied, “No, that is impossible. You can’t slap a guy in the face when his head has been surgically implanted up his ass. Those Chinese doctors did a number on him when he was drilled in the Olympics. Hey, did you see Alex White get torched the other night? I am not so dumb today, am I?”
Meanwhile, the Hitless Wonders managed to explode for six runs to defeat the hapless Oakland A’s as Carlos Santana hit his 21st homerun. “Just call me Boom Boom,” said Santana after that game. “I just want to have a higher OPS than Asdrubal Cabrera. The way Cabrera is scuffling, Fukudome will also.”
Indians OPS Leaders through 8/30:
Cabrera: .809
Santana: .798
Fukudome: .734
Dead Religions 
Four Tigers, including both former Indians, have OPS over .809