Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I regret to inform you I will not be able to attend your fancy fairgrounds party tomorrow in person because I did not receive notification that it was happening when your robot text lit up my phone when I was watching the new episode of The Book of Boba Fett just a bit ago. Had I been notified earlier, I could have been there to galvanize the masses with my wit, gorgeous looks and deep baritone voice.
Instead, I will have to attend this little shin dig virtually, probably wearing a Burlington Sock Puppets shirt to expand their national brand. Oh, I will still wear an Ems’ cap and my Squatch boxers that I made myself since your team store refuses to sell them, but I will not be able to hang out at The Cooler after I tell the Lane County just why Eugene is a baseball town. Eugene is a baseball town because, well, I will let that be a surprise for when I get the microphone tomorrow.
I am very pleased about the progress the Ems have made on acquiring a stadium site, although I cannot help but wonder if the Ems would already be breaking ground had you allowed me to begin a personal relationship with the saucy Mayor Lucy Vinis while mining Eugene Country Club for investors. I hope you remember that personal seat licenses (PSLs) area status symbols for The COMFORTABLE, and PSLs ensure the peasants do not have to pay for parking. Free parking is very influential in determining if patrons return to a game during the rest of the season.
Have you missed me? It has been a while since we had a real conversation. I hope you do not think I became some Twitter big shot and forgot about those whom I stepped over on my ascent to the top. I would like to think that when your are sitting in a jacuzzi, and the jets soothingly pound your anal fissures, you find inner peace think of me. I am almost positive Mayor Lucy does in that situation.
Speaking of Twitter, allow me to give your organization some professional advice. Nobody cares about your front office’s Worldle score. In fact, many people want to eviscerate those who post their scores on social media. It is very much like that one dude who feels compelled to tell everyone how his entire roster fared each week. Also, your Twitter person should “like” all the Inland Empire 66ers’ posts.
Did you know Kyle Day [General Manager; Spokane Indians] has tentative plans to erect a giant inflatable of the likeness of your head at the entrance of the Kids’ Zone at Avista Stadium? I am not sure exactly why, but he shared that with me in one of his missives over the winter. I think he was a bit miffed about how many times you were on the Bads85 holiday card. He and I have begun implementing a plan to make Spokane a baseball pilgrimage destination — the terminus of the Moose Drool Trail, a Pioneer League/High A West baseball journey.
I see you have some new faces on your front office team page. I was wondering which front office person I should write this season now that What’s His Name is gone. Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. Right now Max Mennemeier [Ticket Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is the front runner, but I bet that last name is going to be a pain in the ass to type. Maybe we should just call him M&M’s. Nicknames build camaraderie in the front office, even if it is just Stinky Ass we are talking about.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: When is the promotion schedule being released? As you know, I am a planner.