Dear Alex Cirina [Ticket Representative; Eugene Emeralds]:
Good evening, Sir. I am sorry I was unable to answer you call when you tried to reach me to inform me of season ticket options, but I was introducing my MiLB promotions project to a bunch of seventh graders in San Bernardino, California. I must say it give me quite the charge to see a new Emeralds’ employee to have the ambition to make cold sales calls after an epic NFL playoff weekend, but I believe there is some sort of mistake.
When I come to Eugene for an Ems’ game, I sit with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds. You see, Allan and I are pretty tight. Last year during the High A West Championship in Spokane, Allan and I were roommates at the Davenport Towers. My choice would have been to stay at the Davenport Grand, but Allan is kind of a control freak. We shared a golf cart on the links, and he almost drove it over a cliff, which led to Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] hitting my ball. Hey, are you really a double bogey golfer? If true, you might want to take up tennis instead.
I am interested in the Ems’ season ticket options though. If I am a season ticket holder, then Allan has to watch his tone when I give him a suggestion to better his organization. I often wonder if under his infallible swashbuckler persona, Allan fears change. Fear can paralyze which might explain why there still is no freshly squeezed lemonade stand at PK Park. I do not think it is a coincidence that he hired two Alexes after Alex Stimson [Former Director of Media; Eugene Emeralds] left the profession like the good ones sometimes do.
Word on the street is that Kennedy Schull [Director of Tickets; Eugene Emeralds] used to like to listen to Stimson read my missives aloud. Maybe you will not have to haul kegs around PK Park if you read my missives to her this year. Wait, yes you will. In Eugene, muscle is hard to come by, so ticket reps also are bar backs. Kennedy and Anne Culhane [Director of Community Relations] help me overcome my fear of head trauma in Spokane last September to become an electric scooter daredevil. Who knew I had such skills?
So how are the 2022 ticket sales going? If you guys are just getting to me today, I would say perhaps they are lethargic. I am on that list because one day I will retire to Eugene so Allan can offer me a part time job with limited day game hours and no manual labor. That could be as soon as June if Allan can get past that fear of change. In fact, you should tell Allan you have been corresponding with me, and you think he should bring me around much sooner than later.
Hey, since we are so close now, can you please give me some sneak previews of the 2022 Promotion Night? Is Allan finally going to allow a Bass Boat Regatta Night? Hockey Princess Night? Mayor Lucy Vinis Dunk Tank Night? Bads85 Bobblehead Night? Viking Funeral Night? Golf Cart Demolition Derby? Napalm Appreciation Night?
Anyway, I need to go. The Burlington Sock Puppets are trying to steal me away from Allan.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: Remember this forever: it was you who called me first.
Dead Religions 