Allan and I Address Rumors

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

There are a couple of vicious rumors floating around the MiLB circuits right now about home games at PK Park. We should address these immediately before doubt sets in the minds of the fans. The first horrible bit of tittle-tattle is that there are no beer specials on Tuesday nights at PK Park. I find this very hard to believe, especially since I am arriving for a Tuesday game next week. However, it is true, we can quickly rectify this grave error by creating a beer special in my name.

Let’s go with Bads85’s Two For Tuesdays. Ems’ fans can purchase draft beers for two dollars off as long as they buy two at a time. That is right, Double Fisting gets rewarded. I am sure your elite marketing team can work magic with “double fisting”, but my primary concern is the beer prices for the hard working Emeralds fans. Since that Tuesday is the first game at 100% capacity, it is imperative that PK Park is indeed at 100% capacity. Bads85’s Two Dollar Tickets for the July 6th game I will be attending will go a long way to reaching that goal. At some point, I can wave to the cheering masses from the VIP suite your organization is providing.

I came across this rather disturbing piece of information when researching the liquor laws that shackle PK Park: “City code does not allow the consumption of alcohol on non-football game days in the Autzen parking lots.” Mother of Theotokos, this information would have been useful when I was investing my soul into Frolic Field. That code says nothing about under the parking lots —we could have built an elaborate tunnel network underneath the parking lot to get around that nonsense. Whatever the case, this is yet another reason the Emeralds need their own independent stadium. 

The other wicked gossip making its rounds in certain social circles is that the Emeralds really do not have a July Promotion schedule, and are just marching forward into the cloud of war known as the REST OF THE SEASON. Just in case this is true, I have created my own upcoming promotions:

Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash Night — pretty self explanatory, although I am not sure if rum can be served in PK Park. Everyone can still dress as privates or British sailors thou.

Bartender, What is Wrong With Me Night? — Ems’ fans having a stressful day can unload on honorary bartender Chris Bowers [Corporate America; Eugene Emeralds] at a special stand on the visitor’s side of the stadium.

Understanding the Effects of Decompaction Maintenance on the Infill State and Play Performance of Third Generation Artificial Grass Pitches Night — for when the Hillbsoro Hops are in town. You know that team that plays on Tonka Truck Field with the deteriorating turf. Nothing will really happen in regards to this promotion because who really cares about the physics of synthetic turf, but this a perfect barb to be sent to K/L Wombaucher [President & General Manger; Hillsboro Hops].

Proxima Centauri b Night — since Star Wars Nights have been deemed off limits this season, this can be the magnet to get the space nerds to the park night. Fans can wear all their cosplay costumes as the Ems honor a panel that orbits the closest star to our sun. If we are very fortunate, the Star Trek and Star Wars factions will engage in mortal combat.

Perhaps the most hurtful rumor is that Eugene Emeralds fans have not been practicing their PRIMAL SCREAMS because of the lack of instruction from the Ems’s staff. Well, that all changes on July 6th.

Your friend in baseball,


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