Dear Ryan Moore [General Manager; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:
My $67.31 of Myrtle Beach Pelicans merchandise (including tax and shipping) arrived this weekend, and I must say, I will look absolutely smashing if I choose to wear this at baseball’s winter meetings. I was going to stick with a wardrobe of teams on the contraction list, but the polo shirt looks so official I might just wear it to saunter past security at the Hilton San Diego Bayfront. Why bother with lanyards with official documents when one looks like they walked right out of a conference room at TicketReturn.Com Field at Pelicans Ballpark?
Included in my package was a Pelicans’ 20th Anniversary pennant, which was in 2018. This is now hanging on a wall in my office, which is a distinct honor for your organization. The pennant, coupled with the $67.31 I spent, should qualify me as an official Myrtle Beach 8 Game High Tide mini-pack owner, so I think it is equitable that I can reap all the benefits of that ownership. Since I am essentially marketing your brand in the lucrative Southern California region, perhaps bumping me up to a 35 Game Low Tide membership would be fair. This way I could utilize the 20% on team merchandise for future purposes and perhaps attend the Meet the Team party if I am in town.
If you happen to see me at the winter meetings this week, please do not be offended if I do not have time to have an earnest conversation with you. Many minor league executives are wanting to pick my brain over the contraction issue, plus there is a good chance than if you see me, I will be getting chased by security. Such is the life of a minor league outlaw, but if our paths cross at a local watering hole, I will let you buy me a beer or seven. In return, I will let you take a picture with me as we drink shots so you can build your Carolina League street cred.
Speaking of the Carolina League, I was not planning on getting out that way in 2020 because I was going to concentrate on the Eastern League, but those hard charging minor league executives of the Kannapolis Cannon Ballers have unofficially invited me to christian their new stadium this year, so I thought I might swing down to Kinston to see my old buddy Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads], and if I go that far south, I might as well just keep going to Myrtle Beach. The trip would be much easier if some high speed rail existed in the Carolina League, but you know how queasy politicians are when it comes to rail projects.
Hey, have you ever thought of drug testing the people who run your organization’s social media accounts? Or does that really matter in Myrtle Beach? I saw some dude in some sort of savagely tacky holiday sweater and sunglasses talking to your bat dog, and the dog was supposed to be taking back. C’mon, Ryan, bat dogs are supposed to be noble beasts with intelligence, not some bad punchline to a failed gag. Plus, your dude was wearing some viciously burgundy trousers. I think those gummy bears he had been snacking on earlier were not your ordinary fruit snacks. I am assuming this was the Nazi who had serious issues about starting decorating for Christmas too early, yet this guy is shitting all over the sacred Twelve Days of Christmas promotion. I don’t think I need to remind you that heroes like Audie Murphy fought fascism on foreign soil so we can have the Twelve Days of Christmas promotion.
Anyway, I seed to go. I believe that former US Senator Barbara “Babs” Boxer has just walked into the bar, and she is going to want to catch up with me as it has been a while since we conversed. Back when we were young, we used to converse a great deal, but time and distance takes its toll.
Your friend in baseball,