I Introduce Myself to the Sea Unicorns

Dear Dave Schermerhorn [General Manager; Norwich Sea Unicorns]:

Congratulations on a successful rebrand in the face of tyranny from Major League Baseball. Your new Sea Unicorn logo is outstanding, a pleasant indication that Brandiose has returned to form after a couple of head scratching designs. Choosing to avoid cheap alliteration by going with the Norwich Narwhals was a shrewd move also as most people who do not live near an ocean have any idea what a Narwhal is.

Being Connecticut, I am sure your organization will receive all sorts of indignation about how the team name is just not up to their high standards. Dave, let me give you some solid advice: Fuck those people. The Hartford Whalers could be reborn, and those people would complain that the logo was too retro. Life is too short to try to please people who have a large sucking hole in their heart where most people have a soul. Your new logo is a very pleasing addition to the minor league landscape, and I should know since I am a grizzled minor league ambassador who has traveled throughout all the minor league circuits to immerse myself in the minor league atmosphere.

I even made it to Senator Thomas J. Dodd Memorial Stadium last summer when I was on my 11,000 mile minor league road trip. Unfortunately, I did not have the pleasure of making your acquaintance and having a few shots of Jim Beam with you like true minor league executives do when they are well met. You see, I sort of made a mistake when reading the schedule, and the local nine was on the road that evening. Imagine my embarrassment. Still, I was able to use a couple tricks of the trade to tour your empty stadium, plus take a picture next to the green beast in front of your main gate. My son told me that was an alligator, which goes to show yo you cannot trust everything you find on the internet because everyone knows there are no alligators in Connecticut.

Are you guys planning on getting rid of that beast with the rebrand? Because it would look really good in my bar, which is also the meeting place of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. You might be wondering how it came to pass that a California League season ticket holder became so intertwined with the Woodies that I was personally invited by Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] to throw out a first pitch in Kinston last summer (which of course I did for only a fool would refuse such an honor), but it is a very long story, and brevity is important at this time because Robert Manfred wants to put you out of a job.

If you were to promise me that beast outside your stadium for saving your franchise, well, I would ensure that the Norwich Sea Lions will be safe. You see, I am not only the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador (Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers and two time California League Executive of the Year] presented me with my own business cards with that title), but I am also Generalissimo of the Forces of the Night. I will be in San Diego next week taking the struggle to Manfred in the lobby of the Hilton San Diego Bayfront. My buddy Harold works in tech, and he assures me he can create some nifty badges that will gain my legions access to the hotel. It is hard to lose when Silicon Valley has your back.

Did you know that former Commissioner Bub Selig once threatened to slap a restraining order on me? Well, technically it was not me because I was going by an alias then, plus his office had the wrong address, but the entire matter was over beer prices at ballparks. I lost that one, but the struggle continues. We will not lose this time though.

Hey, when do you think Sea Unicorn shot glasses will be available? And here is a marketing suggestion — make sure Norwich is on your t-shirts as well as the logo. If I were to wear a nameless Sea Unicorn logo to a Pioneer League game or Disneyland, no one would know who I was representing, and eventually some hayseed is going to try to chat me up about how the sea lion looks like a gopher whose legs were pushed into a wood chipper. Think nationally here, not just regionally. Trust me; I am the guy who put the Wood Ducks on the national map.

Your friend in baseball,


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