Dear Sean Petersen [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I know you are getting married this weekend, so I will probably not see you at baseball’s winter meetings this week in San Diego, which is almost certainly for the best since the savagery down here makes women widows. For instance right now, the bartender is threatening to play Journey all night unless I return the bottle of Fireball that my new friend, Garrulous Gil (GG), has in his clutches. Oh, we will return it alright; when it is empty!
It is a rather long story about how we reached this dive well away from the baseball executive pitter patter that one finds in the tourist trap bars on the first real night of the meetings. Since your nuptials are in less than a week, let’s just say we had to ditch A-Rod because he kept wanting to order virgin Slippery Nipples for the entire bar of sailors. If Tom Baxter [Fundraising and Community Engagement Manager; Hartford Yard Goats] had walked in the door while that nonsense was going on, he would have never let us muss his magnificent hair. The reason I am writing you from this establishment is to ask if you can cover any potential bail charges if things go south this week because we are tight like that.
I know that Joe Hudson [General Manger; Inland Empire 66ers] is down here because he had to pick up yet another California Executive of the Year Award, but I do not really want to ask him this favor because he will almost certainly give me a lecture about poking fun at low level minor league front office employees, and he is right, but sometimes these wannabe young guns just want to take a shot a legend, so they @ me about some perceived wrong, and suddenly it is like a Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ fan is popping off about order in the standings, and I can only be quiet for so long.
Say, how new season ticket sales progressing? Are you recruiting in better places than West Valley Detention Center and local methadone clinics? Maybe you should talk to GM Joe about having certain discount promotions aimed at bartenders and servers so the liquor will flow more readily on game night. People who work in the the drinking industry consume booze through their eyeballs on their nights off. We need more purple like that at the park on slow weeknights.
I think Theo Epstein just walked in with a hobo! I am not sure what that is all about, but they are looking pretty deeply into each other’s eyes. GG says that is not really Theo Epstein, but GG in well into his cups. I am going to continue to believe that is Theo until I see further evidence that is is not. Hey, remember the good old days when it was not only socially acceptable to hog tie Cubs’ fans to one’s car at the Cactus League, but also a civic duty? Life was simpler back then.
Anyway, it is nice knowing that you have my back this week with the bail issue. I do not think I will need any firearms this week because of my ninja qualities that allow me to hit up three beer stands at San Manuel Stadium whenever the Beer Batter strikes out. My lawyer is here, so legal counsel is not necessary… yet. We might need some more shot glasses though. If you could Fed Ex a half a dozen down here, we would be forever grateful. Just wrap them in an El Cucuy jersey so they do not break.
Enjoy your nuptial bliss and honeymoon. I took in a minor league game in Vancouver with my bride on my honeymoon. Make sure you get to a Puerto Rican Winter League game on yours. You will never be this free again.
Your friend in baseball,