I Talk Bars With George

Dear George Bateman [Ticker Sales Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I have yet to see you upon my return in person, but I am confident you are still employed by the Inland Empire 66ers because I see your likeness in their promotional videos on social media. I have been informed that Alex Groh [Assistant General Manager] has left the organization, which means the the avenue to your promotion is WIDE OPEN, unless of course GM Joe offers me the job, and I accept out of the love for the organization, not monetary gain. 

I did see GM Joe last night, and while I believe he might be a little hurt because I took off in the middle of the season for an epic minor league road trip that saw me throwing out a first pitch for the Down East Wood Ducks, I feel that he was glad to see me back in San Manuel Stadium, ordering shots of Fireball as the cash register rings. I am not sure he is ready to offer me the position of assistant GM quite yet, even though my extensive traveling has just furthered my knowledge of successfully running a minor league organization. 

I saw many things in minor league parks, George, especially the bars. While the 66ers are still one of the premier organizations in the land, thanks to its terrific front office leadership (Hi GM Joe!), the Garage has yet to reach its full potential as a minor league social gathering place. Make no mistake, The Garage is very unique, unlike most cookie cutter bars that have been constructed in minor league parks in years. More people should be flocking to it, and I have a few suggestions to make that happen. 

  1. More shade. Yes, most innings are played with the sun down, but until about the second inning, Mr. Sunshine blast the garage. More shade could be easily obtained at a minimal cost by just extending the metal roof about ten to twenty feet. This would help get patrons there in the early innings instead of waiting for the shade. At the very least, your bartender would not lose ten pounds to sweat before the first out of the game is recorded.
  2. Fifth inning Happy Hour. This will get people to gravitate to the bar until the game’s end — or last call anyway. Just knock a dollar off drinks, and THE SHEEPIES will come.
  3. Cheap well drinks. The Garage has a pretty solid offering of top shelf booze, but the working people of the world just want some cheap mixed drinks. Throw some cheap booze into the well, and listen to the cash register ring. 
  4. Turn the large cement area above the bar into a gathering place. Move that kids’ pitch to the third base side by the third base gate. One of the problems with The Garage is that people feel that they cannot stand in deep rows there — I do not think this is really true, but it is a perception. If people can purchase drinks and retire to The Loft (or The Bay) to be social. With the new foul ball netting, skull fractures from foul balls are no longer a threat. 
  5. Put a margarita stand in The Loft. Duh. Real margaritas, not that shit from a can.
  6. The Garage should have a drink special theme every night. Margarita Mondays. Fireball Tuesdays. Wicked Well Drink Mondays, Thirsty Thursday, Reduced Beer Price Friday, Something Something Saturday, and Bloody Mary Sundays.
  7. Signage throughout the park advertising The Garage. After two years, many people still think it is not open to the public. Get some intern to walk around in a placard. Let kids throw water balloons at this person because that shit is always fun. 
  8. Bigger TVs. It is the year 2019. 50 inch TVs can be had for just over $200. We live in a disposable society, plus there are now outdoor security systems that can keep even the most degenerate Dino criminal at bay. 
  9. Do a drinking game between inning game from The Garage. Say something like Quarters, but with Cement Mixers!
  10. Give Aaron the bartender a raise. And season ticket holders a 50% discount on shots! Maybe add a jukebox.

Anyway, it is almost time to get ready for tonight’s bobble head night. I need to make myself presentable. 

Your friend in baseball,


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